Young White Female Needed for Companionship and Sexytime

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Attention relationship-seekers! Are you a single young woman between the ages of 18 and 22?

Do you have a BMI between 18.9 and 24.9?

Are you a mild-mannered introvert who prefers to be seen and not heard?

Are you a caring, feminine individual who doesn’t want to wear the pants in the relationship?

If your answer to all of these questions is “yes,” boy have I got the opportunity for you!

Being in a relationship with me, Matt Forney, is not just for any woman. Only the most attractive, nurturing and pleasant girls will qualify. If you’re interested, read the job description below.

Job Title

Girlfriend/Helpmeet

Department

Love

Reports To

Matt Forney (Boyfriend)

Job Location

Portland, Oregon (or wherever I’m living at the time). Candidates must be willing to relocate if necessary.

Overall Responsibilities

Ensure the sexual and romantic satisfaction of Matt Forney, maintain home and hearth.

Key Areas of Responsibility

  • Attending to my sexual needs.
  • Looking pretty.
  • Cooking.
  • Cleaning.
  • Smiling, being happy and lifting my spirits when I’ve had a bad day.
  • Admiring me and supporting me in my endeavors.

Term of Employment

Til’ death do us part (or until you become fat, start withholding sex, become a nagger or cheat on me; see below)

Qualifications

You must meet all of the below requirements in order to be considered for a relationship.

  • Must have been born female. (I can’t believe I have to write this down, but there it is.)
  • BMI must be between 18.9 – 24.9. Petite women are strongly preferred; candidates should ideally be no taller than 5’3″ (1.6 meters) and weigh no more than 120 pounds (54 kilograms). Waist-to-hip ratio must be between 0.55 to 0.85.
  • Must be between the ages of 18 and 22.
  • Must have a pretty face.
  • Must have no more than three prior sexual partners. This is strictly an entry-level position; experienced candidates are encouraged to apply here. (On-the-job training is provided for all candidates.)
  • Must be childless.
  • Must be able to cook.
  • Must have a clean bill of mental health and not be taking any medications.
  • Must be white. Matt Forney is not an equal opportunity employer and does not encourage minorities to apply.
  • Must not be career-oriented. Face it; unless you’re working (or planning to work) in a STEM field, you likely picked a crummy career to begin with.
  • Must have no piercings, aside from earrings.

Secondary Qualifications

These are not necessary, but will greatly improve your chances of being considered for a relationship.

  • Musical talent: having a good singing voice will enormously help you. Being able to play an instrument (guitar, piano, violin/viola etc.) will also help to a lesser extent.
  • Artistic talent: painting, drawing, sculpting etc.
  • Having no tattoos. Candidates with tattoos can and will be disqualified if their ink is too tacky, skanky or just plain awful to look at.

Uniform

I will be the final authority on what you’re allowed to wear. When we go out together at night and/or on special occasions, you’ll be wearing stylish dresses with high heels. During the day and/or when nothing important’s going on, you can dress down in a T-shirt/sweater, jeans and sneakers. Absolutely no sweatpants, yoga pants, crocs, uggs, oversized hipster glasses or pajama bottoms. Flip-flops can only be worn if you’re showering at the gym and don’t want to get athlete’s foot.

Repercussions

If at any point you fail to perform your duties, you will be punished appropriately.

  • If you start getting fat, I will tease you about it until you either go on a diet or develop an eating disorder.
  • If you nag me, I will insult and berate you until you cry.
  • If you stop attending to my sexual needs, I will bring sluts home when you’re not around and fuck them in our bed.
  • If you cheat on me, I’ll throw you out and donate your clothes to a battered women’s shelter.

If you think you’ve got what it takes to be in a relationship with me, email me at therealmattforney [at] gmail [dot] com with the subject line “Girlfriend Ad.” Include the following in your email:

  1. Your name, age and hometown.
  2. An essay (less than 300 words) giving your qualifications and explaining why you want to be my girlfriend.
  3. At least three recent (from the last six months) pictures of yourself, preferably more. One picture must be a face shot, one picture must be a shot of the front of your body, and one picture must be of you holding up a sign that says “Matt Forney is My Lord and Savior.” That last one is necessary so I know you’re actually a woman and not some middle-aged British pervert.

If I like you, I’ll reply back with further instructions. Good luck!

Read Next: “Worthless: The Young Person’s Indispensable Guide to Choosing the Right Major” by Aaron Clarey

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Comments

  1. says

    I think what you’re looking for is a doormat, not a woman. Maybe if you had any level of respect for the female population-which clearly you don’t- you wouldn’t need to be posting job positions…
    You repulse me,
    sincerely
    Hayley

  2. Nixteen says

    A relationship goes both ways. You are looking for a slave, sir, and should probably make a time travel device, which will probably easier than finding a woman that will ever date you, whether you are kidding or not.

  3. anon says

    Holy shit; the very embodiment of narcisissm. There is not a single woman in the world who would find this “position” appealing, you self-absorbed fuckwit.

  4. Al says

    what a piece of shit. i bet this tosser is still single, and will be for the rest of his life. slap headed knob.

  5. Die says

    P.S. Have you looked in a fucking mirror ever? You are ugly as fuck. You are a pathetic bald, overweight, sissy of a boy. You don’t deserve to be called a man. Yet somehow you’re a complete narcissist. Do everyone a favor and kill yourself. No woman will ever want you. Portland doesn’t want you. The world doesn’t want you. I bet your mother is really fucking proud. The only people who agree with anything you say are other MRA idiots. Just put a wig on one of your bros and ass fuck him til you get AIDS and die.

  6. Phu Kyu says

    You’re going to be alone for the rest of your life unless you change everything about yourself, and you know it.

  7. says

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA

    Oh God, this is too good.

    Good job on being a moron, I mean really good job there. Your mother is proud of a son like you.

  8. X says

    Obviously this is a joke. It’s not much different from all the women posting from what they want in a man online.

    Generic female seeking male post:

    Seeking tall, rich, handsome, hung, athletic man that can cook and has a sensitive side. Must be willing to be monogamous, romantic, blah blah blah you get the point.

    Meanwhile they themselves are out of shape, broke, and bring little to nothing to the relationship other than sex.

  9. watanuki says

    i love you
    no homo

    but i must say, good luck on finding a girl like this…godspeed
    imma try japan…i hear they have traditional women still willing to be women

  10. L says

    Haha, I think the joke’s on you, Matt. I know you posted thinking that these demands are so out of the ordinary for a man to make, but in my experience, they are implied nearly universally by men unless otherwise specifically stated. A lot of women have not had the chance to observe this yet, but from my perspective, what you have written down isn’t anything all that controversial; they are just the unwritten rules of dating. As a woman, if I want to know which of these rules I can *break* (when beginning to date a man) without risking him giving me the aforementioned consequences, I have to basically feel out where he is less traditional than the “mainstream,” and give him lots of pats on the back for those “exceptional” qualities that make him “so different” from the actual, horrible, sexist men of the past. Right, the past. In other words, these “joke” rules are actually the ones I see being put into action every day around me. I should add, though, that, because I’m such a traditional and nurturing woman — one whose sense of intimacy is so strongly derived from, and driven by, sensations of love and kindness — that these conditions have not been conducive to my sensing any love or kindness in the ambient dating scene — at least, at the moment — and thus I have reluctantly withdrawn.

  11. says

    I’m sorry, but

    Is it wrong that I absolutely love reading everything you post? You’re a hero to me, sir. Thank you for pointing out so many obvious double standards and writing these things knowing people are going to put you in the lowest circle of hell for it. You really do inspire me. <3

  12. aggmouse says

    Your looking for what can be found as a fedish and should look there and not where normal girls are, go and have your kink and stop making men look bad by your actions and yes I am this illiterate and my vagina is all yeasty.

    [CensorBot sez: ENGLISH, motherfucker! Do you speak it?]

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