Attention relationship-seekers! Are you a single young woman between the ages of 18 and 22?
Do you have a BMI between 18.9 and 24.9?
Are you a mild-mannered introvert who prefers to be seen and not heard?
Are you a caring, feminine individual who doesn’t want to wear the pants in the relationship?
If your answer to all of these questions is “yes,” boy have I got the opportunity for you!
Being in a relationship with me, Matt Forney, is not just for any woman. Only the most attractive, nurturing and pleasant girls will qualify. If you’re interested, read the job description below.
Matt Forney (Boyfriend)
Portland, Oregon (or wherever I’m living at the time). Candidates must be willing to relocate if necessary.
Ensure the sexual and romantic satisfaction of Matt Forney, maintain home and hearth.
Key Areas of Responsibility
- Attending to my sexual needs.
- Looking pretty.
- Smiling, being happy and lifting my spirits when I’ve had a bad day.
- Admiring me and supporting me in my endeavors.
Term of Employment
Til’ death do us part (or until you become fat, start withholding sex, become a nagger or cheat on me; see below)
You must meet all of the below requirements in order to be considered for a relationship.
- Must have been born female. (I can’t believe I have to write this down, but there it is.)
- BMI must be between 18.9 – 24.9. Petite women are strongly preferred; candidates should ideally be no taller than 5’3″ (1.6 meters) and weigh no more than 120 pounds (54 kilograms). Waist-to-hip ratio must be between 0.55 to 0.85.
- Must be between the ages of 18 and 22.
- Must have a pretty face.
- Must have no more than three prior sexual partners. This is strictly an entry-level position; experienced candidates are encouraged to apply here. (On-the-job training is provided for all candidates.)
- Must be childless.
- Must be able to cook.
- Must have a clean bill of mental health and not be taking any medications.
- Must be white. Matt Forney is not an equal opportunity employer and does not encourage minorities to apply.
- Must not be career-oriented. Face it; unless you’re working (or planning to work) in a STEM field, you likely picked a crummy career to begin with.
- Must have no piercings, aside from earrings.
These are not necessary, but will greatly improve your chances of being considered for a relationship.
- Musical talent: having a good singing voice will enormously help you. Being able to play an instrument (guitar, piano, violin/viola etc.) will also help to a lesser extent.
- Artistic talent: painting, drawing, sculpting etc.
- Having no tattoos. Candidates with tattoos can and will be disqualified if their ink is too tacky, skanky or just plain awful to look at.
I will be the final authority on what you’re allowed to wear. When we go out together at night and/or on special occasions, you’ll be wearing stylish dresses with high heels. During the day and/or when nothing important’s going on, you can dress down in a T-shirt/sweater, jeans and sneakers. Absolutely no sweatpants, yoga pants, crocs, uggs, oversized hipster glasses or pajama bottoms. Flip-flops can only be worn if you’re showering at the gym and don’t want to get athlete’s foot.
If at any point you fail to perform your duties, you will be punished appropriately.
- If you start getting fat, I will tease you about it until you either go on a diet or develop an eating disorder.
- If you nag me, I will insult and berate you until you cry.
- If you stop attending to my sexual needs, I will bring sluts home when you’re not around and fuck them in our bed.
- If you cheat on me, I’ll throw you out and donate your clothes to a battered women’s shelter.
If you think you’ve got what it takes to be in a relationship with me, email me at therealmattforney [at] gmail [dot] com with the subject line “Girlfriend Ad.” Include the following in your email:
- Your name, age and hometown.
- An essay (less than 300 words) giving your qualifications and explaining why you want to be my girlfriend.
- At least three recent (from the last six months) pictures of yourself, preferably more. One picture must be a face shot, one picture must be a shot of the front of your body, and one picture must be of you holding up a sign that says “Matt Forney is My Lord and Savior.” That last one is necessary so I know you’re actually a woman and not some middle-aged British pervert.
If I like you, I’ll reply back with further instructions. Good luck!