Fattypocalypse

I’m starting to wonder if universal healthcare is a good thing, because it’s increasingly looking like fascistic state action is the only way to beat back the obesity crisis. With the fat acceptance movement metamorphosing into increasingly more horrifying forms, like this new Tumblelog about “thin privilege,” bans on large sodas seem like a damn good idea. If fatsos won’t put down the Extra Big-Ass Fries and lose the weight, we the taxpayers will have to force them to do it at gunpoint.

Want to lose hope in the future? Here’s an encapsulation of everything wrong with America:

Attempting to digest this photo’s awfulness in one gulp is just too painful, so I’ll break it down bit by flabby bit.

  • Bitchy smirk. Recognize this girl’s grin? You ought to; it’s the default form of smiling for 90% of American women, expressing not happiness or mirth but cuntiness, which they mistakenly think is confidence. Ten dollars says Betty Blubberbutt here is on antidepressants because her parents caught her trying to slit her wrists in the bathtub (after spending half-an-hour squeezing herself in). Nothing says “confidence” like having to take medications to stave off mental illness. The worst part is that girls believe men find these faux-masculine rictus grins sexy, when all they make me want to do is face-fuck them until they tear up, then use their hair as a cum rag. And speaking of her hair…
  • Skrillex haircut. When Roosh wrote about how a goodly number of Danish women thought shaving one side of their heads looked sexy (or even good), I never thought that kind of atrocious hairstyle would come home. At least I know which part of her head to not jizz on.
  • Boob tattoo. See that pattern of X’s on her right breast? At some point in her life, she walked into a tattoo parlor, took her top off, laid down, and had some ex-junkie high school dropout inject ink into her sweater hogans for two hours straight. This indicates that not only does she have no impulse control (which is how she got fat to begin with), she’s a serious exhibitionist and slut too. Big boobs don’t age well; combined with Anna Assmaster’s already horrible diet and sedentary lifestyle, she’s primed for a future of terrifying Korean children into skinniness.
  • Ice cream cone. “Hey everyone, I’m fat and I’m proud and you don’t like it, you can kiss my ass! I can’t help being fat, I have a glandular problem! Beauty comes in all shapes and size—OOOOH, cookie dough!” *slurp slurp slurp*
  • Gunt. More than that, a gunt barely concealed by short shorts. She literally looks pregnant. By the way Anna, what brand of shampoo do you use? I hear it’s a real bitch getting semen out of hair.
  • Massive, obnoxious purse. What is so damn important that women have to cart around those annoying oversized purses? Change? A handgun? A hardcover copy of Health at Every Size? When I go out to bars, all I need is my wallet, house keys, and cell phone. And look at those tassels. She might as well tattoo “ATTENTION WHORE” on her wrinkled, undulating forehead.
  • No socks, stockings or pantyhose. I know there are fatty fuckers out there; are there fatty foot fetishists? A glimpse of those epic cankles and they’re off to the Pocket Pool Championships. Watch for bone spurs!

In short, nothing about this woman is right. In a functioning society, anyone who looked like this wouldn’t dare leave the house lest she’d be hounded and teased into either going on a diet or ODing on her mom’s Zoloft stash. The fact that Anna is not only out and about, but can strut around like she’s Alessandra Ambrosio, is all the evidence we need that our empire is in terminal, irreversible decline. At this rate, bestiality is starting to look like a good thing.

Where the hell does Anna get the chutzpah to stroll around Chicago in a streetwalker outfit that’s two sizes too small?

The answer’s in the post. Her picture has well over a thousand reblogs, with fellow fatties offering trenchant commentary such as this:

forever wishing i was confident enough to go out like this

Don’t worry, my “fat and sassy little kitten,” surely there’s some beta orbiters somewhere who can undeservedly pump up your ego.

Her hair is fantastic. Holy shit.

She can spend half an hour doing her hair so she can get an ice cream cone, but she can’t take the miniscule effort to not eat so fucking much.

If I saw her on the street my jaw would drop.

So would mine. I would then wonder what I’d done to deserve such horrifying acid flashbacks.

That side shave with curly hair ahhh, inspiration! *v*

There are tons more comments like these praising Anna for her fatness, her horrible hairdo, and her all-around assault on aesthetics and decency. It’s not until I’m halfway up the page that I find someone who dared to criticize her:

please stop being proud of being overweight

seriously

stop

It’s a start. Watch how the hambeasts reacted:

EXCUSE YOU

It’s her fucking body, let her do whatever the hell she wants. Who are you to decide what she can and can’t do with HER body? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN CARE?? IT AFFECTS YOU IN NO WAY!

Please stop policing others’ bodies.

Seriously..

Stop.

Yes, Anna being fat does affect me, because under our Dear Leader’s new healthcare law, I’m in part responsible for paying her medical bills. When she gets type 2 diabetes, I’m going to be on the hook for her insulin patches. When she keels over from a heart attack at age 25, I’m going to be paying for her triple bypass. When her kids are born with severe autism, I’m going to be picking up the bill for the retards’ school where they can spend all day drooling on themselves. So yeah, I fucking care about some disgusting, narcissistic slore stuffing her jowls.

Holy shit my blood is boiling. I can’t believe someone would be so fucking rude. Dude this girl is fucking hot I mean shit I want her confidence. Fucking salsacunt please stop being proud of being a bully. Seriously. Stop.

“HOW DARE YOU TELL ME I’M DESTROYING MYSELF THROUGH MY POOR DECISION-MAKING!!!!1″

Body Policing should be an offense.

Who wants to bet this heifer has “thin-shamed” her attractive friends? “Damn girl, eat a sandwich! Then you might actually look like a woman!”

Just because you can’t love yourself at a higher weight doesn’t mean that other people need to hate themselves, too.

please stop acting like you give a fuck about someone else’s health when you actually just can’t stand the sight of someone being fat and happy

seriously

stop

The girl who wrote the above is soliciting PayPal donations for excess skin removal surgery. Do I get a free blowjob if I donate, or will your new BANGIN’ BIKINI BOD be off-limits?

Some more realtalk from another brave soul:

Okay I hate when people pretend they’re happy being fat. You can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to me because I’ve been there and kinda still is there… When you’re covered up in a swimsuit while your other slim friends are in a bikini looking great, you feel insecure a lot, most guys don’t want you, or at least the best looking ones and worst of all I know you cry or your feelings get hurt when someone says a fat joke. So you can pretend you like being overweight but when you’re alone and you’re wishing you were slim, you know how you really feel. So stop wishing and start working towards being healthier. Stop lying and start making moves.

Also. Your muffin tops makes you look 5 months pregnant. Gross.

Oh no you didn’t. With this salvo, the fatty indignation went up to 11.

Seriously tho? You’re just fucking hating on her because she is happy with who she is and isn’t consumed with what everyone else thinks of her. Are you really that pathetic that you have to talk shit about someone you don’t even know and put them down for being happy? Not fucking everyone wants to be the size of a toothpick, and if you weren’t so blinded by false media you would see that there ARE attractive and sexy men who would love to date a bigger girl. She is beyond beautiful, and for you to put her down because you aren’t comfortable with yourself proves to everyone that you are nothing but shallow and self conscious about yourself. Take a look in the mirror, ugliness comes from within.

She radiates beauty. And you are by far the ugliest soul that anyone would have the misfortune to encounter. Living your life isn’t about the size of your body. And anybody who thinks so is seriously mistaken.

Yes, Anna is so unconcerned with what people think of her. That’s why she posted the picture on a publicly accessible blog.

What a fucking bitch. I can hardly contain my anger. Like, what gives you the right to claim you know what other people feel? Just because you don’t understand how other people feel DOES NOT mean that they are lying. I’d take fat and happy any day over being a miserable little cunt that is trying to lose weight to gain attention from more men.

“Cunt?” Das sexiss! So much for the sisterhood.

A HEARTY FUCK YOU. THIS GIRL IS GORGEOUS AND PROUD AND I HOPE YOU GET EATEN ALIVE BY RABID CANADIAN GEESE YOU FAT-SHAMING BITCHES.

“I JUST POPPED A VEIN IN MY FOREHEAD!!!!!!1″

Those of you that are bullying her can GO KICK ROCKS. She has more bravery than you dreadful people can ever hope to acquire.

The number of people criticizing Anna for being fat can be counted on one hand. The number of people supporting her is too big to count. Who’s the bully here again?

It gets even worse than this, but my stomach can only take so much. And do you know what the worst part is?

Anna is likely drowning in attention from men.

Think about it. She no doubt has a twelve-strong gaggle of beta orbiters on Facebook who kiss her ever-expanding ass all the time, playing Compliment & Cuddle game in a vain attempt to get into her 4XL panties. When she goes out to clubs, she probably has to beat the cock posses off with a stick. If she has a boyfriend, he’s likely several orders of magnitude more attractive than her. During my time in Chicago (where Anna is from), I saw those kinds of mismatched couples—average- or good-looking guys with busted-ass girls—all the time.

I’ll bet Anna even brags about how she refuses to date fat guys, blissfully unaware of her hypocrisy.

Bashing fat girls is all well and good, but how many of us have taken the fight to the enemy? By not viciously rubbing their hideousness in their faces, we are encouraging fatties to blimp up even more. Silence implies consent.

It’s time to start shaming fat girls into thinness.

Every time you meet a girl with a BMI over 21, you must go out of your way to crush her self-esteem and make her feel worthless. Put a shit-eating grin on your face and ask her when the baby’s due. Point and laugh at her like she’s a freak at the circus. If you must fuck a fat girl, splooge in her hair and dump her the next day, and tell her you’re dumping her because she’s too fat.

You’re not a “BBW.” You don’t have a “great personality,” you don’t have a thyroid problem, and you’re not healthy. You’re a fucking revolting lardass.

Obesity is a disease of the soul, and the egos of fat girls have swelled to the point where they’re bigger than they are. It’s time for corrective measures.

Read Next: Fat Acceptance is the Future

***

If you liked this post then you’ll like Big Lovin’, my 48-page satirical guide on how seduce and bang obese and overweight women. It explains what you need to have before you go chubby chasing, where to find fat chicks, how to woo them with your culinary talents and more. Click here to learn more.

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  • http://translatefromspanishtoenglish.com Magallanes

    haha
    I bet women are deffending fat girls like how we favor gays-
    more fat girls- the lesser their competition. don’t you think?

  • fukface

    That’s not a tattoo, she’s wearing a sheer cropped shirt with a pattern embroidered on it over a bra. But pointing out a blatant factual error like that seems pointlèss, considering that literally everything you ever say is wrong.

  • Erin

    Why are human beings like you allowed to exist and women like her criticized? There is some serious human error here….

  • Callie

    You had me up until “BMI over 21″. That’s not shaming fat bitches (which I am completely on board with). That’s shaming perfectly healthy, normal sized people. I’m 21.3 and could not be called fat by anyone in their right mind. There’s a difference between skinny and not-fat. Advocate for not-fat all you want, but everyone being skinny is totally unnecessary.

  • Kelley

    I have never heard of a co-relation between obese mothers and autistic offspring.

  • Rachel

    Omg. . . You are an absolute cunt. i work with special needs kids. And none of their mothers are overweight. How dare you. I hope karma gets you, you cunt.

  • fatlover

    I fapped to that cutie with the ice cream cone, ’cause I’m freaky like that. The average woman would love to be a size 8, but so long as shaming fat girls is not considered apropos, obesity will continue to spiral out of control. I’m a fag.

    [CensorBot sez: Yes, you are.]

  • Christina

    You do realize that “fat-shaming” would cause a decrease in weight? That’s why this article is spot on.

    [CensorBot sez: Yep.]

  • Christina

    Interesting that you changed my message, what happened to free speech? It disappeared up my massive asscrack, that’s what.

    [CensorBot sez: Eat a dick.]

  • Lucie

    I’ve read a few of your posts and all of them made me really angry, but I have to say, this sentence: “It’s time to start shaming fat girls into thinness” is probably the most offensive thing I have ever read in my life. And that’s saying something. I never really considered myself a feminist, but people like you make me realize that feminism is essential. People like you are what’s wrong with the world. And it just kept getting better (and by better I mean worse): “Every time you meet a girl with a BMI over 21, you must go out of your way to crush her self-esteem and make her feel worthless”. Oh really, you must do that? Don’t you have better things to do? If I follow your logic, I think that if I read a misogynistic asshole’s blog, I should go out of my way to tell him that he’s a douche bag, right? Surely that works for many categories of people, not just for fat girls. Well, I’ve already spent too much time acknowledging your existence, so I’d just like to thank you for making me realize that the world need more feminists and “fat advocates”. And if we’re calling things what they are, I’m a fat girl with a 28.7 BMI, and you’re a pig.

  • Izzy

    You are the most offensive, shit for brains excuse of a human being ever gifted, and yes I do say gifted to be allowed to have a life. Do you honestly think this is something that’s going to fix anyone or anything for that matter? No, it’s not. How about taking the stick out of your self narcissistic ass (oh, wait I’m sorry you probably have it permanently lodged) and get your facts straight. How this is even allowed to be read is degrading as it is. What is your problem? Can’t get any because your dick is too small, so you have to take it out on women who have said nothing wrong about you to even start this whole ridiculous article? You’re a sad excuse for a human being, and I really hope you end up alone instead of with a sweet girl who you’ll no doubt emotionally abuse into anorexia when she puts on 5 pounds. Have a nice life, fuckhead.

  • Stating Truth

    This style of chauvinistic writing is an art. This article clearly just states facts and truth that women (especially fat women or jabbas) are not able to accept because every thought they have is in tandem with an emotion, thus reactionary and illogical. Women cannot accept the fact that honest, truthful observations are not judgmental. Throw in a little sarcasm with the facts and most women think you should be arrested for a hate crime. I think you should write an article on how women’s brains are analogous to a hamster spinning on its wheel and a cricket chirping.

    Women process thoughts similar to how a hamster runs on her wheel and their emotional outputs are like a cricket chirping. Together they form the brain patterns and emotional state of your average, modern day women. Obese women unfortunately have an obese hamster which makes her abused hamster even slower. This makes these big beautiful creatures even further out of touch with reality than average women. Usually the fatter the hamster is the more out of touch the jabba is.

    In response to Rachel’s Karma comment I know God will significantly reward you one day for stating truthful observations and educating people. Maybe I should use the vernacular of the liberal nonsense that is the acceptance/pride/feminazi movement and call you “brave” for stating your opinion. That might help women and men who sit down to pee better able to be “open-minded.”

  • Rachel

    Well Matt. You are obviously an intellectual arrogant with a personality disorder. Or you are so ugly you can’t get a beautiful slim woman. Why else would you be so hateful? After your bullshit rant, You still have not stated any facts about obese woman having autistic children. Cunt.

  • Juls

    You made a huge jump from bmi over 21 (I’ll keep my 22, thank you very much, shame if you must) to ‘people’s whose hospital bills I’ll have to contribute to’.
    Yes, Obesity is an health crisis, but what you are talking about are simply people who are committing the crime of having a shape that’s not pleasing to you,

  • TonyL

    Fwiw, I did once go up to an ex-girlfriend, someone whom I hadn’t seen for several years – and during which she’d evidently ballooned!! – and ask her “when’s the baby due?” and in what, prior to that question, was a loud and bustling pub, you could have heard a pin drop!
    In my defence it was a genuinely innocent (slightly inebriated) mistake on my part, wherein I genuinely thought she was indeed knocked-up, but the thought also occurred to me that thank-gawd we’d spilt up and that I’d latterly had a v.lucky escape!

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  • Kira

    I can’t write but I’m angry!

    [CensorBot sez: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU SPEAK IT!]

  • dickweed

    I like to get plugged in the ass.

    [CensorBot sez: Yep.]

  • maximusdelirius

    holy sweet jesus that was a good article :D really funny and unfortunately true

  • whatever

    I’m gonna keep this short, you are a disgusting, pessimistic, cynical human being and I hope you find some form of joy in your life because you are clearly lacking happiness.

  • Medusa Jordan

    Poor Matt, so bitter, so full of misdirected rage!

  • Austin

    So it’s taboo to criticize someone for being fat because they can do whatever they want with their body, yet everyone and their kid brother persecutes smokers. Same principle applies. It’s my body, and if I want to kill it with cancer, I don’t need vague acquaintances to tell me some sad story about their grandmother.