The Eden’s Thaw Christmas Gift Guide

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This is a guest post by Eden’s Thaw.

There are only a few shopping days left before Christmas, which means—if you’ve got game—you probably haven’t even thought about what to get your girl(s) yet. Don’t fret though, this guide has got you covered whether you can’t even remember her name or are itching to put a ring on her finger.

One Night Stand

I would say nothing, but with all the regret rape nonsense it might be a good idea to leave her with a parting gift, like a piece of gum for the road. You can pay for her taxi fare if you’re feeling generous. I would recommend Uber in that case, so that you’ll a) have recorded proof that she accepted a ride (and a driver who can be subpoenaed to testify that she didn’t have any black eyes) and b) being shuttled around in a private, luxury car will leave her with good vibes. Call it Poor Man’s Derek Jeter game.

Just Another Plate

Nothing. Though feel free to send her a late night booty call SMS. That’ll be as good as a diamond ring for her, since she’ll probably have checked her phone for your message at least 1.98 x 10^45 times during the day after telling you “Merry Christmas xoxo” before Santa had even squeezed his big, red butt back up your chimney.

New Relationship (with Good Potential)

An expiring gallon of milk. Make sure it expires on the 25th and mention how romantic you are for getting her something to commemorate Christmas Day. If she laughs and then suggests that she should bake some cookies or brownies to go with it, then you have a good woman, so proceed accordingly. If she complains, ignore her and/or walk out then give her a pounding later when the two of you have reconciled (while bumping her down a few notches in your mind). This also makes a wonderful birthday or anniversary gift.

Girlfriend

Kettlebell. With regular use, your girl will sport a sexier posture and a rounder, firmer butt. Plus, the intensity and brevity of a kettlebell workout (do 75 reps as fast as possible) are good for clearing the cobwebs out of her head and releasing any pent-up energy. It’s kind of like taking your dog for a walk but even better.

Wife Material

Betty Crocker’s Cookbook. This is the Bible of cookbooks. It isn’t about recipes per se but more about mastery of the kitchen. In my vision for New America, schooling for girls will consist of sitting in a circle reciting from this book all day like Punjabi schoolchildren reading from the Koran on the Madrassah floor. She’ll learn all about ingredients, meat, herbs, spices and what makes them go well with each other, what temperatures to prepare food at, and lots of other stuff I don’t know and you never will either (unless you’re a chef). You can thank me in a year.

Of course, you could always go the sexy route and get her something like lingerie or handcuffs or whatever, but that just seems a bit cliche. She should be surprising you with a sexy outfit, and the handcuffs should be slapped on when she’s least expecting it. The most important thing with any gift is that it should be a present for yourself first and foremost. That’s the way she wants it, too.

Eden’s Thaw blogs here.

Read Next: Fattypocalypse, Part Two: Plus-Size Dating Boogaloo

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