This is a guest post by Magallanes.
The title of this post means “I shit on feminism,” and today we’ll be discussing one of the most important aspects of learning Spanish (or any language): swearing!
I believe that the curse words of the people you’re going to communicate with is one of the most important things to learn. Why?
Let’s say for example you’re talking with two cute Latinas, and one says to the other: “El es muy tonto, ¿no?” while giggling. It’s easy to assume that that’s a positive remark since she said it in a sweet and positive way. You are ignorant to the fact that the two bitches just called you stupid, and not just stupid, but very stupid. And you’ll look like even more of a dumbass because afterwards, you’ll likely say something like “Ohh… si, si, tontowww hehe, gracias! Hehe!” complete with your schwa accent.
I’ll give you another example. I handle the new connections for a certain gas company. I was on the phone one day when I got a call from a certain Latina-sounding middle-aged lady. She was asking about some info about a certain account that is not under her name, which is obviously impossible and illegal for me to do. As it turns out, the lady wasn’t a Latina, because she called me “matsing,” the Filipino word for “monkey,” and she said it in the sweetest possible manner. I called her out: “Hey, I’m not a monkey, maam.” She apologized.
I hope you get the point, but we’re only going to cover Spanish swearing phrases for now. If you are learning Spanish, I suggest you put these phrases into your ANKI database. If you have no idea what ANKI or SRS is, you can read the full guide here.
¡Que te jodan! — Fuck you!
¡Que se joda! — Fuck it!
¡Carajo con el niño! — That bloody kid! (con = with, el niño= the kid [male])
¡Que coño hablador! — That big-mouthed pussy! (coño refers to the female organ)
Un hijo de puta. — Son of a bitch (you don’t pronounce “h” in Spanish, so hijo would be read as “iho”)
¡Que carbon! — What an asshole!
And since most of you probably encounter Mexicanos more often than other Spanish-speakers, here are some of their local curses:
¡Vete al chingada! — Fuck off! (all Chingada words are curses; Chingada was the native mistress of Hernán Cortéz, the Spaniard who colonized Mexico.)
Como la chingada. — Like a motherfucker.
¡Corre como la chingada! — Run like a motherfucker!
And here’s my favorite:
¡Coma mi panocha! — Eat my pussy! (don’t get any sexy thoughts, it’s an insult)
¡Si! Voy a comer la verdad. — Oh yeah! I’m gonna eat that for real. (your comeback)
Or if she’s a fatso:
“Gracias, pero no como la carne de cerdo, lo siento. — Thanks, but I don’t eat pork, sorry.
Besa mis huevos. — You can lick my balls. (besa = kiss, huevos = eggs)
¡Te meto la verga por el hocico para que te calles, el pinche puto hocico hijo de perra! — I put my dick in your mouth so that you shut up, you damn faggot son of a bitch! (te meto = I put, la verga por el hocico = my dick in your mouth, para que te calles = so that you shut up, el pinche puto hocico = literally “damn faggot mouth,” hijo de perra = literally “son of a female dog”)
¡Cuando quieras, cabrón, te parto el hocico de oreja a oreja! — Whenever you like, asshole, I’ll rip your face off!
Me cago en la madre que te parío, carbon. — I shit on the mother that bore you, asshole.
As perfectly stated by Lisa Morales to Cristo over the phone in Act of Valor while she’s being tortured.
Personally, I studied cursing early on; I practically learned the curse words even before I learned how to greet properly! Learning them would be useful if, for example, your wife is a Latina and you don’t want to get left out on conversations, but most of all:
Studying Spanish curse words is fun and entertaining!
And nothing can make you remember stuff better than entertaining yourself; why do you think you know so much about sex even as a student but get instantly bored with physics? It’s the same with language learning, only this time, entertaining yourself can finally be called “studying.”
Swear words are designed to get attention, and fortunately for the other ordinary words that get mixed up in cuss sentences, you will also remember them well.
Magallanes blogs at Translate from Spanish to English.
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