Matt Forney
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A Letter to My Future Wif—, Er, Girlfrie—, Er, Fuckbuddy

creepy-girl-bieber-cover

Last week, Danger & Play Tweeted a link to “A Letter to My Future Husband,” in which a dating blogmistress displays her various mental pathologies so her online girlfriends can high-five her. In response to a few comments which rightly called her creepy, our heroine left this:

Totally love the double standard. Boys write about the relationship they hope to have one day and it’s sweet. Girls write the same thing (prompted from someone else) and we’re insane and creepy.

Gas lighting at its finest!

Uh, no Mandy, we’re not calling you creepy because you wrote a letter to your future husband. We’re calling you creepy because that letter is filled with remarks like this:

Or after berating you for years to get rid of your favorite ratty t-shirt I’ll steal it from where you finally relented and threw it in the trash so I can have it framed for above your desk or made into a pillow for our bed.

What’s more, you apparently think this makes you cute and/or endearing, instead of sending men screaming for the nearest exit. You could have just saved some time and copypasted “I’m a stalker with borderline personality disorder” a few dozen times and it would have had the same effect.

But wait, my readers! There’s more!

Mandy wrote this as part of a challenge from another blogger, who’s been writing letters to his future wife for (get your barf bags ready) five years. Out of morbid curiosity, I read the very first one he wrote back in 2007, and it did not fill me with hope for future installments:

Even when you are sweet enough to pick out clothes for me, I am fairly like to fight you on it. At least initially. And my complaints may be oddly specific and obscure.

“I’m going to look like Guy Smiley in that shit!”

Sure, pummeling me is an option at that point. However, the best way to handle it is with a…

“Sweetie… You are a boy. You don’t know anything about fashion. Now shut up and try it on.”

This will make sense to me. “Hmm. True enough. OK!”

It should be noted that the “Sweetie… shut up” move should be a frequently used arrow from your quiver of dealing with Peter.

When I do try on your outfit I’ll probably love it. “I’m… GORGEOUS!” I’ll even admit that I was wrong to fight you on it.

“Creepy” isn’t the first adjective that comes to mind reading this. “Pathetic” and “supine” are closer to the mark. This “Letters to Your Future Spouse” thing might actually be entertaining if it followed the arc of modern relationships. “Dear Future Ex-Wife, you’re a backstabbing bitch. I want my children back.”

Since all of this malignant sacklessness is getting to me, I’ve decided to do what I do best: I’m going to take this little challenge and turn it on itself.

***

Dear Future Wife,

Actually, that’s a misnomer, because I’m not actually planning on marrying you. I take my philosophy of romantic relationships from Joni Mitchell, and if she was good enough for our parents’ generation, she’s good enough for us.

Anyhoo, I presume you meet all the requirements I outlined here. Here are a few other things I expect you to keep in mind to please me and maintain domestic tranquility.

For starters, get used to living in apartments, because home ownership exists solely to part morons with their money. Also get used to an austere lifestyle, because consumerism is for broken individuals with nothing better to do. Expect to be piling 70-80% of your paycheck into a savings account. Like you needed another pair of shoes.

Speaking of which, if you want to work, that’s totally fine; in fact, I encourage you to because I’m not going to bust my hump at some humiliating office job so we can afford a McMansion in the suburbs. They call it the American “Dream” for a reason: it’s not real. But the minute you become “career-driven” is the minute I’m kicking you out. If I need to explain why prioritizing anything over the actual people in your life is wrong, you’re too stupid to be a relationship period. A job is something you do to get money and nothing more.

And if your rationale for working is because you don’t want to be “bored,” you’re not mature enough to be in the workforce. If you’re bored, get a hobby. Playing the piano, painting, tennis; all of these and more will cure your boredom pretty damn quick, without robbing you of your soul in the process.

A polite reminder: your college degree and job title don’t give me erections. Your A-cup breasts and shapely derriere do.

I expect you to cook, and cook often, because people who can’t cook are reliant on others to feed them, whether it’s their spouses, parents or the Arby’s down the street. On the off-chance we happen to have children, I’m not condemning them to a life of obesity and its concomitant problems because you were too lazy to learn how to use a stove. I also expect you to clean, because that’s what adults do: they clean up after themselves.

I won’t go so far as picking your clothes out for you, but you’re not leaving the house in anything I can’t bear to look at. Get used to high heels, skirts and makeup. Your first priority when getting dressed is to look good for me, not to impress your catty girlfriends who are trying to sabotage you anyway so I’ll break up with you and they can feel better about their inability to get a man. On the plus side, if you ask me I what I think of what you’re wearing, I’ll always give you an honest answer.

By the way, we’re not getting any pets, because I’m allergic to cats and dogs. If you love animals that much, go volunteer at the SPCA.

I’m not paying for cable because TV is mind-rotting filth, so you’ll have to find another way to entertain yourself. The library is always free.

If you attempt to come between me and my friends or try to keep me from my hobbies, you will feel my wrath. I know you girls absolutely hate it when men have fun without you, but you’re just going to have to deal. Let me have my guitar and my nights out drinking, and you can have your book club and your Pinterest account.

As much as I would like to be, I am not psychic. If you have a problem and you don’t clearly tell me in plain English, I will assume everything is hunky-dory. If you blow up later and blame me for not being able to decipher your pouting and passive-aggressiveness, I will have zero sympathy for you. We’re grownups; we use our words to communicate. If you insist on behaving like a big baby, don’t complain when I treat you like one.

Being an introvert, I need my alone time, which I’ll usually spend screwing around on the computer, reading a book or just lying on the couch staring at the ceiling listening to Daydream Nation for the umpteenth time. If I don’t get my alone time, I will make your life hell. So do us both a favor and leave me alone. There are plenty of hours left in the day to do stuff together.

You’re welcome to have your own opinions, so long as you defer to me when I know more about a subject than you do, which will happen often because I am better read and more world-savvy than you are. Merely having a vagina doesn’t make your opinion valuable, contrary to what everyone’s been telling you since you were a kid. That’s not arrogance or male chauvinism, it’s fact.

There’s no such thing as unconditional love. I wouldn’t expect you to keep loving me if I decided to quit my job and spend all day playing video games, so don’t expect me to keep loving you if you pack on thirty pounds, nag me about leaving the seat up or claim you have a “headache” when it’s time to get Biblical. Being in a relationship does not free you from the obligation to be a decent human being, nor does it give you an excuse to stop trying to excise your various character flaws.

Speaking of which, if you ever nag me about leaving the seat up, the only thing that will keep me from slapping you across the face is the fact that it’s against the law. Put the seat down yourself. You’re a big girl now. Act like it.

Finally, you are special to me. But not that special. If you can’t fulfill my manly needs, there is no shortage of attractive young women who will. So you better bring your A game every single day.

I look forward to many years of sweaty, bedsheet-ruining sex, home-cooked meals, and holding hands while staring into the sunset.

Love,

Matt

***

Hey fellow manospherians, wanna subvert this little challenge for your own amusement? Write your own letter and post a link to it in the comments.

Read Next: Young White Female Needed for Companionship and Sexytime

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  • That letter from that ‘man’ is absolutely nauseating. Good God.

  • j

    This letter seems pretty reasonable. It’s good to have a plan. Good luck MF:)

  • Camélia

    Well, ok, as long as you reciprocate in bringing your A game every single day.

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  • Mariathe

    You’re so acid, Matt!!
    But seriously: You know what Matt, you’re a very romantic guy, haha.
    Holding hands while staring into the sunset remind me of an old couple that I used to see in a bench in staring at the beach near my family beach house during january vacations. Its been a while we dont go there, wonder if they’re still alive.
    I always remember them and still want to be like them.
    Going back: Good luck finding this almost perfect woman in todays standard. Ironically you think there ain’t much out there but I asure you there are plenty, knowing how to sew and other stuff you don’t even dream. Not so new generation (I’m 24, so for me is people my age and younger) is not all trash like you pray, Im not claiming NAWALT or anything, hahhahaha, but there are a lot of great girls to todays standart who are becoming more and more intrested in stuff our grandparets ou in grandgrandparents used to do and learning throught youtube stuff like crochet and tricot, cooking, cleaning, weashing, ironing, ets. Housewife blogs exist for a reason! There’s a nich for this kind of thing, with girls interested in managing a house budget and cleaning schedule for example.
    If it’s growing here in a country like Brazil where people are brainwashed, imagine there!
    Too bad is a silent movement, of self exploration and discovery where girls who were raised by working, nagging and dominant moms (but not less loved by their kids), girls who were raised with grandmas, babysitters, school and even by themselves at home while the parents worker, analyse why “it didn’t work” and why our moms are so bitter and there goes…. And even though this movement doesn’t call attention to itself because it goes against the cultural marxism hegemony in Brazil it is growing on it’s own.
    Too bad the media make it seem like this kind of people don’t exist, you won’t find them in partys or night out or anything. Maybe you find them in the movies, watching cinema alone or with one girlfriend. Unless you’re friend with one of her brothers I have no idea where you’ll find one. They don’t leave home to go to University, and most don’t even go to church so you’ll hardly find them there either.
    They’re just common people who overcame this prejudice where “you can’t enjoy doing homly stuff, it’s for submissive bla bla bla” and you know? Dicovered that the other side is quite more pleasant than this side. Most ain’t saints but vote to not let their daugthers commit the same mistakes.
    I know this article is old, but…

  • Andre

    This:

    “This “Letters to Your Future Spouse” thing might actually be entertaining if it followed the arc of modern relationships. “Dear Future Ex-Wife, you’re a backstabbing bitch. I want my children back.”

    Made me have a laughter orgasm. Does that make me gay?

  • Austin

    Dear Future Wife,

    Before we met, I earned a liberal arts degree and spent the next two years working a variety of shithole jobs. I realized that my life would likely to continue on this path for the next several years if not until I die but that also I wouldn’t have the financial needs of a 22-year-old for much longer. So for you, I’m starting law school in a few weeks. And no, I will not be studying a field which is easy and over-saturated like business or insurance law. I’m going to specialize in divorce law, which is messy, depressing, and filled with lots of career opportunity. I’m doing all of this for you, a faceless individual whom I likely haven’t even met yet. For you, so that you can invest in our family and pursue your hobbies and friendships.

    Because I have spared you from the soul-crushing experience of the workforce which I loathe so much, I expect a few things to make my life easier: a clean house, a decent-tasting and nutritious meal, well-behaved children who are involved in various extracurricular activities, and general respect towards me. I’ll even let you decorate the house however you want, so long as I don’t absolutely hate it. It’ll be wonderful: if we both see each other as indispensable, then we’ll be much less likely to get divorced! We’ll each have a role, and together we can one day have lovely Christmases with our grandchildren, much like my shithead parents will never have.

    However, If you do get bored lying around the house all day, then you have my permission to take up some part time non-profit or volunteer work, such as church things. Women do so much to make a church run smoothly. As for money things, let me take pride in that.

    Love always,
    Austin

  • John Dunkerley

    Good luck with this. The woman you’re looking for is super rare. There are women anti-Feminists, but the majority are Trad-Con hoping to go back to a role where the man kills himself at some job, while she lives the dream (Bill Burr). Better alternative to just be MGTOW. That way there is no wasted effort trying to find some magical unicorn that doesn’t exist.

  • Amanda Stackis

    <3 this

  • Roz

    swoon!

  • theno1katzman

    if she shaves her vagina i wont want her bc i will think shes a child and if she grows her leg or armpit hair i wont like that bc i will think shes a dude.