Hey there, girlfriend! It’s not easy being a big, beautiful woman in our fatphobic society. Despite the facts that thin doesn’t equal healthy and that beauty comes in all sizes, the media continues to enforce an artificial standard of beauty and thinness on women, causing them to feel shame towards their natural bodies. It’s gotten to the point where many girls are so ashamed that they can’t even enjoy themselves in the bedroom!
This is inexcusable.
No matter her size, every woman has the right to feel comfortable in her own body. Here are some tips to help plus-size gals get the most out of their sex lives.
1. Stop worrying about how you look.
A lot of big women will become anxious when it’s time to get naked and attempt to hide their gorgeous bodies by turning off the lights and hiding underneath the covers. Stop doing this and learn to flaunt your flesh. Take pride in your undulating belly rolls, your gapless thunder thighs, and your jiggling jowls. When it’s time to fuck, crank the lights up to maximum and show off your stuff without shame or guilt.
If he isn’t a bigoted asshat, seeing your fat in all its glory will make him love you even more.
This extends to when you’re making love as well. Don’t be afraid to let him grab and play with your rolls, and be sure to play with his (if he’s a BHM). It’s also great fun for him to spank your rolls as well. Let your imagination run wild!
2. Motivate him to go down on you.
A lot of guys don’t like eating out plus-size women because they think the smell is “gross.” If your man is like that, consider dumping him, because why would you want to be with a fat-shamey guy who thinks your natural body is “gross?”
If you think he’s amenable, however, you can get him to eat your pussy by turning it into a game.
The next time you have sex, smear some mayonnaise on your vulva and invite him to lick it off. Not only will this make it fun for him to go down on you—who doesn’t love mayo?—it’ll feel fantastic for you. You can also substitute Vegemite or creamed honey if your boyfriend has a sensitive stomach. Even better, your boyfriend can also smear mayo on his penis and balls to make blowjobs all the more delicious!
3. Help him out if he’s lost.
There’s nothing more embarrassing for a guy to confuse your vagina for your crotch crease, stick it in and pump until he cums. Nobody knows your body like you do, so if he’s having trouble finding your tunnel of love, guide his dick to its destination.
4. If you’re having trouble feeling him, get a dick extender.
If your boyfriend/husband is a BHM, he might have difficulty getting and maintaining an erection due to constricted blood flow. Even if he can get hard, you might have difficulty feeling him due to his FUPA absorbing much of his penis length and/or your own size. You can try piston-pumping his cock with your hands, but you’ll wear yourself out if you have to keep fluffing him.
If you’re having trouble in this department, get your man a penis extender.
This isn’t surgery or a magic pill, it’s a physical object he can slip over his dick to make it longer. Using a dick extender, your man can hit you in places that you’ve never been touched before. Additionally, if your boyfriend has issues with slipping out when you’re in doggystyle, a dick extender will make it easier for him to stay inside you.
There’s another benefit of penis extenders: they can help protect your man from dick bends. It’s a sad truth, but when you ride your boyfriend in cowgirl position, you run the risk of bending or breaking his cock from the sheer awesomeness of your girth. With a silicone sleeve over his penis, you have insurance against an embarrassing emergency room visit.
5. Switch up positions to keep from getting tired.
Because human biology itself is fatphobic, BBWs and BHMs run the risk of getting winded while they’re making love. There’s nothing more frustrating than your boyfriend getting a charley horse while he’s pounding you doggystyle, or having your thighs start to burn while you’re riding him. As a result, you should change positions every two minutes or so to keep from getting pooped. If the two of you still haven’t gotten off and you need a break, try mutually masturbating each other while you catch your breath. There’s nothing sexier than two blissfully loving plus-size folks rubbing each others’ engorged bits.
6. Beware missionary.
One of the many benefits of being a fat bitch is having a huge rack. Unfortunately, when you’re in missionary position and your man tries to put your ankles over his shoulders, the pressure may cause your tits to choke off your trachea. I’m quite sure you don’t want to suffocate in your own breast fat, so for extra support, place a pillow underneath your back or butt when you do it missionary style. Using a pillow will also help if your belly is making it difficult for him to penetrate you. Just be sure to wash it afterwards: skid marks are nasty!
7. When taking it up the ass, always use an enema beforehand.
Speaking of skid marks, anal presents an additional hazard for the BBW. Because your diabesity requires you to have a diet high in sugar and processed foods, your Hershey highway no doubt has the consistency of a riverbank after the snow starts to melt. To keep from voiding your bowels all over the duvet, give yourself an enema and empty your shitpipe before your man goes exploring in your forbidden wastes.
8. If you’re a super BBW, fuck on the floor instead.
Beds are expensive, and all that hot, steamy lovin’ can put undue stress on your frame. To keep it from snapping like a popsicle stick, try having sex on the floor instead. Lay down some blankets and pillows beforehand so you can be comfortable. You can also try fucking on the couch cowgirl style, which will allow you to put one leg down on the floor, freeing your man from having to support your weight all by himself.
And remember: above all else, have fun! As a woman, no one has the right to make you feel ashamed of the body you were born with. With a bit of chemistry and these tips, you too can have a fulfilling sex life.
Read Next: Fat Acceptance is the Future
If you liked this post then you’ll like Big Lovin’, my 48-page satirical guide on how seduce and bang obese and overweight women. It explains what you need to have before you go chubby chasing, where to find fat chicks, how to woo them with your culinary talents and more. Click here to learn more.