Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

I Call Portland Women Fat and Ugly, Hilarity Ensues

Last Friday, Return of Kings published my article “Six Reasons Why Portland Sucks for Single Men.” While I love Portland as a whole—the culture, the music, the spirit of entrepreneurship—I took issue with the city’s cliquish atmosphere, its depressing weather, its preponderance of bums, and its fat, unfashionable, unjustifiably egotistical women. In response, Portlanders took to the Interwebs to point and sputter about what a misogynistic asshole I am, proving everything I wrote about their city and more.

Here are some of the highlights from Reddit Portland, where the article initially blew up:

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Showcasing Portland’s typical friendliness to newcomers, a few folks threatened grievous bodily harm on yours truly, though as expected, they were complete pussies about it:

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My article also made local shitrag Portland Mercury’s “Monday Hate-Reading” (God, how much of a loser do you have to be to seek out material solely to get offended by it?), where commenters falsely labeled me an “MRA” and compared me to George Sodini. Even better, a white knight at Seattle/Portland Pulp posted a best-of compilation of my writings. Additionally, my joke girlfriend ad (and yes, it was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, not that feminists are known for their reading comprehension) has been getting passed around as well.

You can’t buy this kind of publicity, folks.

The coup de grace was this boner from two-bit hack and Chuck Klosterman fanboy Brandon Tietz:

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Did you get that folks? Calling fat girls fat is now the equivalent of reciting a racial slur in a black neighborhood. Also upthread, Tietz claims I’ve “pissed off every member of the fairer sex in the publishing world,” as if the opinions of overweight feminists are somehow relevant to my writing career.

So far, not a single Portlander has bothered to factually refute anything I wrote. Their slings and arrows boil down to one of five things:

  1. I’m ugly/fat/have poor fashion. (Rich, coming from a city full of fat acceptance advocates who buy their clothes exclusively from the Salvation Army.)
  2. I only went to Portland for a few days and/or only stuck to a couple neighborhoods. (Even though I wrote that I’ve been in Portland for months, and I’ve been everywhere in the city, from Downtown to Hawthorne to the ‘burbs.)
  3. I’m butthurt that Portland didn’t live up to my expectations. (This despite the fact that I wrote in that article that I loved Portland in spite of its many flaws.)
  4. I’m full of myself for thinking that Portlanders would care about me hitchhiking across the country. (Everywhere else I went, from Chicago to Minneapolis to Seattle, people thought I was crazy/cool/a badass for hitching. Portlanders are the only ones who didn’t care, a obviously fake pose brought about by insecurity at having no equivalent accomplishments of their own.)
  5. If I don’t like Portland, I should just go back to Syracuse. (Again, this was despite the fact that in the very first sentence of the article, I linked to a blog post in which I basically said Syracuse was a town going nowhere fast.)

What’s weird is that the Porklanders also went after me for making criticisms that any objective observer would think were totally reasonable. For example, half of them jumped down my throat for writing about Portland’s massive homeless problem“What do bums have to do with anything?” Um, they’re a criminal nuisance and an eyesore? Am I supposed to be happy that every homeless junkie in the Pacific Northwest gets to use the Multnomah County Central Library as his personal urinal?

The only reason Stumptown hasn’t been infested with squeegee men yet is because washing windshields requires too much effort.

So what gives? Why are the fine citizens of Portland so incapable of handling criticism of their city? The article itself wasn’t even that vitriolic; I didn’t use four-letter words or insult anyone in particular. If I were to write an article criticizing Syracuse—talking about the city’s crime problem, its horrible winter weather, its laughably corrupt politicians and hack media outlets like the Post-Standard that cover up their misdeeds—most Syracusans would go, “Yeah man, that’s spot on.” Hell, I’ve said less than flattering things about plenty of other cities (Des Moines, Williston and Spokane among them), yet Portland is the only place so far to go ballistic at anything I’ve written.

The answer is depressingly familiar.

When Torontonians exploded in anger at Roosh’s article on their city’s faults, he got the exact same response I did: not a single factual rebuttal of his post, just a lot of shit-slinging, insults and mouth-foaming rants. The reason they didn’t try to refute anything Roosh wrote is because they couldn’t, because deep down they knew he was right.

I haven’t been to Toronto in years, but I used to visit the city often, and I know for a fact that it’s always been a deeply parochial and pretentious town. Up until the 1970’s, it was basically a sleepy little Nowheresville, the Providence to Montreal’s Boston. It wasn’t until the Quiet Revolution “convinced” English-speaking Quebeckers to get the hell out of Dodge that Toronto became a city of some importance. Ever since then, Torontonians have been obsessed with trying to prove that they live in a world-class city, mainly by ripping off NYC at every turn, both figuratively (such as by loading the city up with immigrants) and literally (by tearing up a historic district so they could make room for a crummy Times Square knockoff).

For a guy like Roosh, who’s visited and lived in countless countries—and thus more than qualified to pass judgment on a city—to diss Toronto, to say that’s basically a fourth-rate hick town, is utterly devastating to Torontonians’ egos.

When a guy who’s been from the beaches of Brazil to the university towns of Poland says your city sucks, on what basis do you have to refute him? Unless you’ve been where he’s been, you can’t. But because most people would rather die than abandon their most cherished delusions, Torontonians lashed out at Roosh rather than admit the truth of his words.

It’s the same with me and Portland.

I’m a relative guppy in the manosphere when it comes to travel, but I wager I’ve seen more of the U.S. than 80 percent of Portlanders and 90 percent of Americans period. As of this writing, I’ve visited over thirty states and lived in five, in every region of America. I’ve been everywhere, from the beaches of North Carolina, to the college towns of New England, the hipster bars of Chicago, the subways of NYC, the wind-beaten prairies of Iowa, the tourist traps of Washington, D.C., the mountains of Montana and Colorado, and the docks of Seattle.

If anyone’s qualified to pass judgment on Portland, it’s me.

Like Torontonians, Portlanders labor under the delusion that they live in a world-class city. Apparently, having a crappy TV show about your town and getting a sloppy blowjob from the New York Times every other week will get to your head. Like most leftist enclaves, people in Portland believe themselves to be worldly and cultured, even though the most traveling the majority of them have ever done was taking the Greyhound there from their crummy little cul-de-sac in Illinois.

I’m sorry to break it to you Portland, but you are a third-rate city. You’re a nice third-rate city, a third-rate city I enjoy living in, but third-rate all the same.

You’re huffing glue if you think PDX, with its infestation of bums, its ineffectual city government, its spineless police force, and its homogeneous, conformist “we’re all about tolerance, unless you do or believe things we don’t like” culture, can hold a candle to any of the true world-class cities of the East. Even Seattle, the crown jewel of the Northwest, is a backwards Hicksville compared to New York, Chicago or even Boston. Acting like a stuck-up debutante only works if you have the class and accomplishments to back it up, and if the most significant thing you’ve ever done is getting a master’s degree in Post-Colonial Transsexual Studies, don’t get indignant when men who are actually accomplished call you on your bullshit.

And unfortunately, since none of you have the travel or life experience that I have—and no, flying over red states on your way to a Fire Island orgy doesn’t count—none of you have the credibility to challenge me. When you’ve hitchhiked across an entire continent, or worked as a ditch digger in North Dakota, or been held up at gunpoint by cops in upstate New York—or done things that are as equally remarkable—then you will have a basis in which to factually rebut what I’ve said about your city. You can call me ugly, you can claim that I’m a gay virgin misogynist who can’t get laid, but you can’t invent your own facts out of thin air.

And the fact is is that Portland is a town full of smelly hobos, poorly-dressed fat chicks, and socially retarded creeps.

I still love this city, in spite of its less-illustrious element inveighing against me. Given that most of them are gutless turds who couldn’t even deign to look me in the eye if they saw me on the street, I’m not worried about them pulling anything. I’m not leaving Portland until I feel like it.

Scoreboard: Matt Forney, one; angry Portland feminist fatasses, zero.

Come and get me.

NOTE: As of this writing, Return of Kings is offline, potentially due to a DDoS attack or some other kind of sabotage. Click here for evidence suggesting that the site’s been sabotaged. Also, a reminder: my article is protected by the First Amendment, but DDoSing a website is a federal crime.

UPDATE: Portlanders are taking this to a new level of creepy; they’re posting my cell phone number online in an attempt to stalk me. Joke’s on them, though; I got rid of that number months ago. I’ve screencapped that Twitter account in case the owner decides to delete it in a fit of shame. They also posted my number to Reddit Portlandscreencaps here and here.

UPDATE II: Man, the Portlanders are seriously butthurt; I just stopped a DDoS attack on this blog. Someone was trying to brute force hack the password to my admin dashboard using a server based in Los Angeles. I banned the IPs that were accessing my login screen and the attack mysteriously stopped. Return of Kings was also getting DDoSed at the same time; when I fixed the problem here, that site started working again too.

Read Next: Femininity and the Indiana 7s; or, Jen McCreight is Still an Ugly Bitch

  • AJ

    Lololol, so basically if any one of them spots you in the street they’ll scream REALLY LOUDLY in your FACE?! Oh noes!

  • Anonymous

    Roissy Maxim #77: Women will screech louder the closer your words get to damaging or exposing vulnerabilities in their sexual market value.

    And so will their white knights and beta orbiters.

  • will

    The white knights ride to the rescue.

  • They got wanted posters all over Portland for your head! lol

  • Portland people can’t handle even the smallest criticism about this city, especially when all of it is true. There’s a lot to love about the city, but a lot to hate about the culture. Like Trevor says, “Portland tolerates the intolerable.”

    Not one of these internet tough guys would even talk to you if he saw you on the street. The type of man who would get pissed about your article is the type of non-confrontational pussy that can’t even make eye contact with another human being while walking down the street. You might get a few fat chicks yelling at you after a beer or ten, but that’d be the worst of it.

  • NineFuries

    Hey thanks for posting these articles! While I had no plans to visit Portland anytime soon, these articles cement it for me. This is a city I will never step foot in.

  • Ssssh

    “Not one of these internet tough guys would even talk to you if he saw you on the street.”

    Good point, stranger on the internet replying to guy complaining on the internet about people complaining about him complaining on the internet.

  • Aestro

    Do you know why you have so few refutations? Because all you did was post a bunch of dumb generalizations. What’s the refutation to “too many fat chicks”? We can tell you you’re wrong. Do we need to just start posting pictures of hot Portland women, like you did of an overweight chick in Brooklyn to “prove your point”? Of course you got called fat/ugly/bald/a horrible human being. You’re trying to whitewash the appearance of an entire city – your own personal appearance immediately comes into play.

    We don’t refute that there’s rain or homeless people here. But you wrote an article about why it “sucks for single men”. You failed to explain how rain or hobos hurts your dating life.

    You complain about no one wanting to talk to you or having anything interesting to say. Maybe it’s that no one wants to talk to YOU. Nono, tell us more about your ditch-digging. That sounds fascinating. Do you walk around with a sign saying “hitch-hiked across country”? Are you wearing your “Ask me about North Dakota” shirt? You complain about the Portland women have an undeserved ego. Yeah, a cross-country hitch-hiking trip would be cool if you weren’t desperately trying to use it as a pick-up line.

    In all seriousness though, thanks for posting that article. If it keeps other creepy self-absorbed PUA’s out of Portland, it’s a better city for it.

  • Roosh

    I got your back. They can DDOS the site, but your article will stay up.

  • Retrenched

    Some people blog for money. Others do it because they think it’s fun. Others want fame or respect. But not you.

    You’re in it for the hate mail. And for you, today is like Christmas coming early.

    What’s funny is that Portlanders think they’re making you angry or upset with their attacks and insults, when in fact they’re giving you exactly what you want, and you’re enjoying every minute of it.

  • AK

    But hey, look on the bright side – you’ve found an even easier way to get more hits on your blog!

    Anyway as always with your online escapades it has been very entertaining to observe. I look forwards to seeing you continue to kick ass.

  • Man, the Portlanders are seriously butthurt; I just stopped a DDoS attack on this blog. Someone was trying to brute force hack the password to my admin dashboard using a server based in Los Angeles. I banned the IPs that were accessing my login screen and the attack mysteriously stopped.

    There’s no “D” in that DDoS, if you see what I mean. Just an asshole with a server. You should reverse-lookup the IPs and see if you can trace back to the responsible party. I’d say there’s a 10% chance the dumbass didn’t think to cover his tracks, and isn’t aware that he’s living in a police state.

    BTW — lulz at brute-force attacks.

  • Isn’t it nice to feel special?

    I would consider being insulted and threatened by a bunch of disgusting, over-tolerant Fat Acceptance, liberal retards to be great compliment.

    Keep it up.

    -Dr. Illusion

  • kc

    you look like a marble with facial hair, sir. you should be grateful you have hands otherwise your penis would be very lonely.

  • JJ

    “Given that most of them are gutless turds who couldn’t even deign to look me in the eye if they saw me on the street, I’m not worried about them pulling anything.”

    LOL, internet tough guy. Come at me bro.

    I’ve seen your picture. It’s not hard to figure out why you’re not getting laid. You’re unattractive and you’re an asshole.

  • sorry ’bout your dick, bro.

    “You’re huffing glue if you think PDX, with its infestation of bums, its ineffectual city government, its spineless police force, and its homogeneous, conformist “we’re all about tolerance, unless you do or believe things we don’t like” culture, can hold a candle to any of the true world-class cities of the East. Even Seattle, the crown jewel of the Northwest, is a backwards Hicksville compared to New York, Chicago or even Boston.”

    THEN GTFO. I’m… no – we’re ALL begging you.

  • thecaptainpower

    Matt, don’t get beat up by a woman on the streets!! lol…

    We are Albany partial Alumni, don’t forget it…

  • August

    As a guy that has become good with women, traveled widely, and lived in Portland I can certainly provide a balanced view on being single in the Rose City.

    I had A LOT of success in Portland. Dated mostly models, dancers, and Alt types (7-9s. Not sure the city has any 10s) across several races/ethnicities. Come to think of it I dated across a wide age range too (18-35).

    A buddy of mine who lives in the city specializes in co-eds and feminists. He seems to have a fair amount of luck in that area.

    It is easy to hook up in Pdx and if you can’t then you have calibration issues. To me this smacks of an attention getting article. Period.

    To touch on your points…

    1. The winter can be a BIG negative, but I’m not sure what this has to do with being single. People date and go out all through the rain. The darkness in the winter was what eventually got to me.

    2. Annoying, but it has nothing to do with being single…unless you’re trying to date bums.

    3. No more than a lot of places in the states sadly. Plenty of attractive women live in Portland if you know where to look. Several attractive women work in the city, but don’t actually live in the city.

    4. This is personal preference. A lot of guys go for the Suicide Girls look.

    5. If you walk in with the New York type A attitude you’re going to have problems. The people are very friendly (the locals just don’t want to be your friend). Thankfully Portland has a large transient population so making friends with people from other places isn’t all that hard. I almost exclusively did cold approach with no problem.

    All this shows is you are unable to calibrate well for this city.

    Although, the rampant political correctness, militant liberalism, and the smug attitudes eventually gets on your nerves when you’re trying to find someone worth your time. Don’t even get me started the bleeding heart protesters.

    Many of the women I knew while living there were almost guy-like: They wanted to be left alone most of the time unless they wanted to hook up.

    6. Some, yes. No more than most cities though.

    A story about hitchhiking in a city full of bums and street kids does absolutely nothing to set you apart from all the people who do that on a regular basis.

    All in all Portland is a great place to hook up (and experiment with some freaky stuff if you’re into that), be annoyed by the people, and eventually leave because you can no longer stand the lack of sunlight in the winter. Or you are tired of being underemployed and half of your friends are boring stoners that never do anything besides smoke. You really start to miss the ambition especially if you are accustomed to the east coast.

    I’d call it a second tier US city. Personally I liked the city itself better than I liked Seattle.

    My breakdown: 8/10 city and amenities, 6/10 people, 7/10 food, 7/10 ease of getting laid.

    The bottom line is it’s a cheap place to live out west and MOST of the guys don’t have any game so you don’t have to worry about competition.

  • Georgia Boy

    Just remember, when you piss off the white knights on Reddit this is who you’re dealing with: http://i.imgur.com/QU1VRpw.png If you clash with these people you you’re probably doing something right.

    And you’re dead right about Portland’s homeless problem. They’ve got tons of them and they beg pretty aggressively too. I came away thinking there must be a major heroin addiction problem there or something.

  • Misty

    I’m sorry, maybe I am twisted for thinking this man is brilliant? I can’t stop laughing at the irony of the situation. I find his blows humerous because they ring true. I am on the opposing end, in that, I hate Portland. Ironically, I am a pasty white fat girl with tats…but some people are into that…he is not one of them. I do think I would prefer to be thinner and tan, but I don’t really care enough to change it. He has some serious balls, and that is admirable. And he is smart. Kudos on the hitch-hiking too because he risked being shanked by a highfalutin fatty on an ego trip. His point was that Portland is not somewhere to go to get laid. I guess it is a backward compliment…not a bunch of easy skanky whores running around? Personally I feel there has to be some attraction to be with someone, and he is not attracted to pale overweight women. He is stating the obvious though and personality should count for something…but never-the-less…he is being judgmental, and everyone that lashes out is judging him as well…and I say agree to disagree…or just admit there is an abundance of fat white chicks in Oregon. We don’t have sun, of course we are white. And it’s boring, so lets eat. I do agree it is rude to point out someone’s flaws, but sometimes a horny guy that can’t get it in just needs to vent a little. Maybe he is compensating for something? At any rate, thanks for the entertainment!

  • zach

    what aestro said –>

    Do you know why you have so few refutations? Because all you did was post a bunch of dumb generalizations. What’s the refutation to “too many fat chicks”? We can tell you you’re wrong. Do we need to just start posting pictures of hot Portland women, like you did of an overweight chick in Brooklyn to “prove your point”? Of course you got called fat/ugly/bald/a horrible human being. You’re trying to whitewash the appearance of an entire city – your own personal appearance immediately comes into play.

    We don’t refute that there’s rain or homeless people here. But you wrote an article about why it “sucks for single men”. You failed to explain how rain or hobos hurts your dating life.

    You complain about no one wanting to talk to you or having anything interesting to say. Maybe it’s that no one wants to talk to YOU. Nono, tell us more about your ditch-digging. That sounds fascinating. Do you walk around with a sign saying “hitch-hiked across country”? Are you wearing your “Ask me about North Dakota” shirt? You complain about the Portland women have an undeserved ego. Yeah, a cross-country hitch-hiking trip would be cool if you weren’t desperately trying to use it as a pick-up line.

    In all seriousness though, thanks for posting that article. If it keeps other creepy self-absorbed PUA’s out of Portland, it’s a better city for it.

  • Jom

    Having trouble taking a guy who lets cloudy days and the homeless get between him and sex seriously.

  • qop

    Durr I broke my brain I are so dumm.

    [CensorBot sez: Letting retards use computers is never smart.]

  • qop

    I want you in my mouth, Matt.

    [CensorBot sez: He’s straight.]

  • Drummer dude

    I get laid all the time here… with fat chicks.

    [CensorBot sez: …proving my point.]

  • Farty Fartsalot

    Don’t worry about it. Everything you said about PDX is pretty accurate

  • Liutgard

    I was intrigued by his comparison of his ditch-digging with some woman’s Master’s Degree. Apparently he has no clue what it takes to get a Master’s. More than brute force, and a few more brain cells than repeatedly sticking a spare into the muck. However, as it appears that his brain cells are all busy below the belt, I’m not surprised that he doesn’t understand how ridiculous this stance is.