Matt Forney
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Choose Your Own Sexuality!

marygonzalez

Just when you think our era can’t get any more comical, the freaks manage to go even lower:

Democrat Mary Gonzalez was the first lesbian to openly serve in the Texas House of Representatives, and now she’s becoming the first “pansexual,” too.

“During the campaign if I had identified as pansexual, I would have overwhelmed everyone…Now that I’m out of the campaign, I’m completely much more able to define it,” she explained.

Yeah, “pansexual.” If I’m remembering my etymology of the English language correctly, that means she’s basically attracted to everything: men, women, trannies, housepets, inanimate objects, the whole nine yards. Right? Wrong:

Though many might describe Gonzalez’s orientation as bisexual, pansexuals don’t believe in a “gender binary,” and hence can be attracted to all gender identities.

Gonzalez specified to the Voice that she doesn’t believe in a gender binary because “gender identity isn’t the defining part of my attraction,” and that she never fully embraced the term “lesbian.” Although she came out as bisexual at age 21, Gonzalez said she has also dated transgender and “gender-queer” people, in addition to women.

Remember, gender is only a social construct, meaning people can pull all sorts of cutesy sexual identities out of their asses and you just have to deal with it, you heteronormative bigot. You might think that a woman who’s attracted to men who identify as women and women who identify as men is just a plain old bisexual, because if a person looks like a man, talks like a man, and pisses like a man, it’s a man. You would be wrong.

Well, two can play this game.

I’m coming out of the closet: I am a softharemsexual. That is, I’m only willing to enter into a serious relationship with a girl if she lets me bang other women on the side. It’s not polyamory, because I won’t love any of those other bitches; in fact, I’d probably have to restrain myself from slapping them if they weren’t hot and slutty. And my number one girl doesn’t get the same privileges: she has to stay faithful or she’s out on her ass. Anything less and my dick powers down like the Energizer bunny on a dead battery.

And the best part of being a softharemsexual? You can’t criticize me for it!

See, what I do in the bedroom is a personal choice and it’s none of your business, you monogamous breeder squares. I have the freedom to do whatever I want sexually so long as I’m not hurting anyone and everyone consents, so get over itMy pretend sexuality is not your concern, which is why I’m writing this blog post loudly proclaiming it to the world: it doesn’t matter! ‘Cause that makes logical sense, right?

Right?

Read Next: “Looks Don’t Matter”: How to Tell Keyboard Players from the Real Thing

  • EH

    You are an absolute knob and you clearly have no understanding of gender or sexuality.

  • LS

    I can’t believe what I just read. Why do you even bother to make these blog posts? I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion – but you’re wrong. You’re a misogynistic, queerphobic bigot who doesn’t care about anything more than fulfilling your own sexual desires. I’m ashamed to know that there are people like you out there. Come out of your cave and enter the real world, learn more and open your mind to new ideas.

  • John Alabaster

    I’d love to read a blog post on your views on lesbians

  • John smith

    Clearly, you lack an understand of sexuality. Calling your particular brand of assholic behaviour a “sexuality” doesn’t make it one. Sexuality is a an answer to a “what” question, not a “how” question. Specifically, sexuality is what you are attracted to, not how you have sex. Moreover, “pansexuality” is based on being attracted to multiple gender identities. Your “softharemsexuality” is being attracted to particular actions of one gender identity. That person’s definition of (not creation of but definition of) her sexuality simply gives a term to something that already exists.

    Also, there is a difference between being attracted to men, and being attracted to women who identify as men, as well as between being attracted to women, and being attracted to men who identify as women. If you don’t understand the difference, you once again lack an understanding of flexible sexuality.

  • Bwahahaha! Yes, there are many double standards in American socio-politcal rhetoric. I wonder when society will accept my sexual orientation toward 16-year-old girls…

  • proudTortoise

    kh kh kh, I won’t mock you for your sexuality but I will point out that not dating a “softharemsexual” is sort of like not dating a gay man. I doubt you’ll find a lot of women willing to put up with that.

  • Ella

    you make me sick

  • AmbiguousMouse

    Well, I’m not sure why you need a WORD for it, but yeah, if that’s the only kind of relationship you’re willing to be in, go for it. You have indeed fulfilled the requirements of nobody being hurt and everything being consensual. The problem with your “argument” (it’s really just verbal sneering) is just assuming you’ll be putting whatever partner you want through it no matter what, when obviously that whole consent thing applies just as well to the person you’re talking about having your “main” relationship with. If, as you can probably suspect, most women would say, “yeah no, not dealing with that,” then congratulations! Your dating pool is significantly smaller, but whoever you do end up with is somebody you’re more likely to find mutual happiness with than if you’d stuck with the wider fully-monogamous dating pool.

    [insert various things you’ve heard a million times about you being a sexist, homophobic dick]