Matt Forney
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Crawling Towards Heaven

crawling

I grew up in a tiny, cramped Roaring Twenties-era two-story house in what used to be Syracuse’s Polish neighborhood. Because the house was so small, my room didn’t have a closet, but instead housed the entrance to the attic. The house’s age meant that I was privy to the sounds of the various wildlife that found their way into the attic via its numerous secret openings to the outside, mainly bats and mice. And flies.

Dear God, the flies.

Every summer, without fail, brought a small army of flies shimmying through the crack between the door and the floor. The strange thing about the flies, though, was the fact that all of the ones who made it to my room were on their last legs. They crawled along the floor because they were too weak to fly; the few that could fly would buzz around bouncing off the floor like a Mexican jumping bean because they couldn’t stay airborne for more than two seconds at a time. None of the flies ever made it further than my bed before giving up the ghost. Sweeping up the mounds of dehydrated insect corpses became a weekly ritual. And yet, despite the fact that there was nothing for them in my room, the bugs just kept coming.

It took me years before I figured out why.

Not only is there no food in the attic, because it’s poorly insulated, its temperature fluctuates wildly depending on the weather: freezing cold in the winter, blisteringly hot in the summer. That tiny microscopic fly brain knew that if it stayed any longer in the attic, it would die of exposure or starvation. It had no clue what lay behind the bright white slit at the bottom of the attic stairs, whether it contained their salvation or damnation, but that didn’t matter.

The flies had a binary choice: either face a possible death trying to get into my room, or face certain death hanging behind in the attic.

Recently, inspired by Anatoly Karlin’s list-making and some unfortunate news, I decided to make a list of the bloggers I’ve read who’ve quit/vanished/deleted their blogs during my four-year manosphere career. Writing is one of the most intensely personal mediums out there, and in a niche like the manosphere, about sex and self-improvement, a skilled wordsmith can make his readers feel a connection to him, even if he writes pseudonymously and keeps his personal picture off of the Interwebs. When a good writer up and quits, people get sad because this connection has been severed.

I abandoned the four-year project when I realized that the list would simply be too long, and decided to focus on bloggers that went Tango Uniform during the past year. Off the top of my head:

  • OneSTDV disappeared in June. I stopped reading him before that because he had become a pompous, autistic twit, but his blog went up around the same time In Mala Fide did and he greatly helped to promote the site when it was new, so I can’t help but wonder what happened.
  • Dennis Mangan took his blog private in July or so, but came back in October.
  • Virgle Kent moved on to NexxtLevelUp and deleted his old blog.
  • Gmac vanished without a trace in October.
  • The University of Man was BALEETED roughly around the same time.
  • Mojo of the Neckbeard Chronicles quit in November, though having found out that he’d been in the manosphere nearly as long as I had (under a different name), I suspect he might be coming back at some point.
  • Complementarian Loners dissolved, again, roughly at the same time.
  • FFY quit in November, but relaunched a couple months ago and continued to write for NexxtLevelUp in the meantime.
  • The Alpha Persona also quit in November, but continued blogging under his real name.
  • Will S. left Patriactionary, but is still hanging around in the comment sections.
  • Solo shuttered his blog and moved on back in January.
  • Finally, Bronan the Barbarian! just announced that he is closing up shop. (Goodnight sweet Prince, and flights of slutty teenage angels sing thee to thy rest.)

Blogging lends itself to transience; easy to set up also equals easy to shut down. This goes double for a milieu like the manosphere; most guys come in here looking to improve their lives in some tangible way, and when they reach their goals, many don’t see much reason to stick around writing the same “Fat chicks suck!” posts over and over again. If anything, this churn is a good thing, because it ensures new blood has an opportunity to rise to the top and limits the toxic negativity that comes with obsessing over problems you can’t solve. Just look at JezebelA Voice for Men or any site dedicated to bitching about feminism, misogyny or whatever cause du jour they can think of. Do the people who write and comment there seem happy or well-adjusted to you?

Sometimes I feel like I ought to join the fallen.

I’ve gone through countless shifts in my writing focus—from game to race to economics and back again—but I’ve never stopped writing. I go through periods of burnout, periods where I want to quit, but I never do because I know that once my mood rebounds, I’ll be back at the computer, tapping out words like a Morse code operator on meth. Even though I’m objectively a success as a writer, I’m still wracked with self-doubt.

“You’re wasting your time. Nobody cares about your shit. You will never make enough money to quit your job. Even if you do, no right-thinking person will want to be associated with you. Your fans are all degenerate misogynist creeps. Give it up and go back to school.

“And by the way, why oh why didn’t you take the BLUE pill?”

What quashes that little voice, that little sensation, is knowing that the voice is wrong. I’ve met many of my fans in real life; they’re normal, cool guys. My books are selling at a brisk pace; combined with my other ventures, I’m on track to be financially independent by the end of the summer. And I know for a fact that my writing is good, because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have so many smart, dedicated people reading it (and morons getting offended by it).

It also helps that the people who are feeding that little voice are doing so because they want me to fail, not because they’re looking out for my best interest. As Rollo Tomassi writes, the greatest weapon of the Feminine Imperative—and the greatest enemy of the rational man—is self-doubt. All I need to do is look at the people trying to tear me down to know that they’re wrong. They’re fat, miserable, drugged-up wage slaves who lead lives of desperation and misery. They don’t know anything about business, about literature, or anything real.

This doesn’t guarantee that I’ll succeed, though, but whether I do or not isn’t important.

I don’t have a choice, and neither do you. Like the fly using its last bit of energy to crawl out of the attic, you can’t know what the future holds. Heaven might be on the other side of that door, or hell. You might become a superstar, or crash and burn. You don’t have any other option.

You either crawl towards possible success, or stay behind and face guaranteed failure.

Here’s to victory.

Read Next: Why You Should Start a Blog

  • Glad the books are selling and other endeavors are going well. Hope you hit that summer goal. Keep up the good work.

  • Theodore Logan

    The most badass Matt Forney quote I ever read, “I want to completely destroy my enemies. I want to see them run in fear before me, and I want to hear their women cry in painful lament.”
    Fuck yeah, rock on Matt!

  • Guardian of Asgard

    If you enjoy writing, or the satisfaction that comes from having people read your writing, then there’s no reason to quit. Write about what you want. Men have many interests, so there’s no reason to worry if you make a post that seems “off topic.” Introducing new subjects and interests to other men is what keeps culture alive. Battle onward.

  • Matt! Keep doing what you doing bro and you will make it out on top!Besides i like reading your posts!

  • Jeremy

    I’m ashamed to say that I found this site last in my exploration of the manosphere and MRA sites. Matt, your writing on this site.. gets it right. I’m relatively new to all of this. Though I had been leaning towards the MGTOW perspective for over a decade, I only just found this large ocean of writing in the past year. As such, I was never a part of Roissy, I’ve never seriously practiced game, I’ve never participated in the comments sections of the more seminal posts in this sphere of knowledge. In fact I’m just beginning to digest most of Rollo’s work.

    This past weekend I spent significant time reading a lot of the writing on many of the red-pill sites written by women, listening to some of GWW’s videos, and reading AVfM posts. I wasn’t adding significant pizza grease to my laptop, I was doing this in-between necessary chores that everyone takes care of to keep your life going.

    I already knew reading AVfM this weekend that I agreed with much of what was said there, particularly what GWW has to say towards feminists specifically. However, I couldn’t help feeling entirely off-put by what the men there write. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Nothing in the red-pill universe seemed to be contradicting the flakey and bland abuse handed out on especially Elam’s posts. It kind of bothered me until I finally got to your site Matt, and then it made excellent sense. For myself, it frankly established the truly proper frame of mind to have when dealing with inequities as doled out by the current social/legal system set up by feminism. That frame of mind is nothing more complicated than pure stoic reason.

    I think that if nothing else you need to realize that your writing is the only masculine counter-argument with social value to the victim politics practiced by the male writers at AVfM and other male rights activists. Victim politics is little more than a nuclear weapon being set off in the middle of a functioning meritocracy that served us well, hell, we went to the moon man! What’s horrifying is that now those men such as Paul and John want to try to wield that weapon back at an enemy. This is literally like trying to use the one ring of Sauron against him. Feminists invented victim politics (in the fires of mount doom), feminists will always benefit more than men from the use of victim politics because men by their own biology are expected by evolution/gods-plan (pick one) to be the entity who sacrifices themselves to provide for society. It’s quite a beautiful perversion of the truth of gender politics they have going there, and yet still amazingly predictable when you consider history. Victim-hood is altogether evil, a primary enabler of human failure.

    When I read your posts countering the undirected hate and self-loving victimhood belched out in the MRM and comments of the manosphere, I find myself in full agreement. I find myself recognizing that no good will come from more and louder fuck-yous directed at people worth loathing. I find myself recognizing that the disease that is feminism has almost nothing to do with women, and everything to do with a total corruption of the complementary, equitable (but not equal) and constructive relationship men and women enjoyed for centuries. Reading this site helped in finding myself ready to move on, ready to leave the baggage of victimization and unproductive bickering behind. No other site did that. No other site made it so clear that bitching about life is useless BETA activity no better than self-pleasuring.

    Enough bs blown up yer arse. If you feel the need to move on someday, just never delete what’s already written. IMHO, Blogging is TOO transitive, TOO impermanent. Within the world of blogging we’re allowing people to delete blogs. This is absurd. We are effectively enabling the Hitlers and the Homers to both delete their lifetime of works, and believe it or not society suffers from the lack of written record of both.

  • @Jeremy: A perfect literature for you and as to how feminism musct be treated:

    Epictetus on Enchiridion : ” Some things are in our control and others are not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, public office, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.
    The things in our control are by nature free, unrestrained, un-hindered; but those not in our control are weak, slavish, re-strained, in the power of others. Remember, then, that if you suppose that things which are slavish by nature are also free, and that which belongs to others is your own, then you will be hindered. You will lament, you will be disturbed, and you will find fault both with gods and men. But if you suppose those things to be your own which are your own, and what belongs to others to be theirs, then no one will ever compel you or restrain you. Further, you will find fault with no one or accuse no one. You will do nothing against your will. No one will hurt you, you will have no enemies, and you will not be harmed. Aiming therefore at such great things, remember that you must not allow yourself to be carried, even with a slight tendency, towards the attainment of lesser things. Instead, you must entirely quit some things and for the present postpone the rest. But if you would both have these great things, along with power and riches, then you will not gain even the latter, because you aim at the former too: but you will absolutely fail of the former, by which alone happiness and freedom are achieved. Work, therefore, to be able to say to every harsh appearance, “You are but an appearance, and not absolutely the thing you appear to be.” And then examine it by those rules which you have, and first and chiefly by this: whether it concerns the things which are in our own control, or those which are not; and if it concerns anything not in our control, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you.”