Matt Forney
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Five Reasons Why You Should Not Beat Your Girlfriend or Wife

beat-your-girlfriend

Unless you’re a virgin, you’ve probably had to deal with a defiant girl in your life. When your girlfriend or wife burns your grilled cheese sandwich for the hundredth time, you might be tempted to cold cock her for her incompetence. While you’d certainly be right to punish her for not doing her job properly, punching or kicking your girl is a bad idea. Here’s why…

beat-your-girlfriend

1. It makes her less attractive.

If you’re like most men, you’re with your girl because you think she’s hot. Uppercuts, drop kicks and karate chops leave behind cuts, welts and the occasional broken bone. Unless you find black eyes and smashed teeth sexy, you’ll have difficulty getting an erection after you’ve given your girl a good working over.

Hypothetical reversal: If you have a spare phone book, you can place it over her stomach so your fists don’t leave any marks. But who has a phone book these days?

beat-your-girlfriend

2. It keeps her from performing her womanly duties.

In order for your girl to cook, clean and please you sexually, she needs to be in top physical condition. If you injure her while slapping her around, she won’t be able to serve you as well. For example, it’s difficult for a girl to make you a sandwich when her arm is in a sling, or for her to go down on you with a broken jaw. By sending her to the hospital every time she folds your underwear the wrong way, you make it more difficult for her to get it right in the future.

Hypothetical reversal: If you have a large penis, dislocating your girl’s jaw might lead to a more pleasurable blowjob.

beat-your-girlfriend

3. It’s time-consuming.

Because men are physically stronger on average than women, virtually every man has the ability to beat the stuffing out of his girl if he wants. Even still, disciplining a girl takes effort. Depending on how much your girl has irritated you, you may have to spend hours chasing her around the house with a belt. That’s time you could be using to do something more productive, like playing video games or alphabetizing your Joni Mitchell albums.

Hypothetical reversal: Your life is so dull that smacking your girl around is the highlight of your day.

beat-your-girlfriend

4. You can hurt yourself while beating her.

While physically assaulting a girl is something almost every man can do, you run the risk of injuring yourself in the process. She may be a frail little female, but her bones are still hard and her nails are still sharp. You also might accidentally get some of her blood on your nice clothes.

Hypothetical reversal: Beat your girlfriend in the nude.

beat-your-girlfriend

5. You might go to prison.

If you’re caught beating your girl, you can be arrested and thrown in prison for years. This will seriously impede your ability to make money, drink quality craft brews, and hook up with sluts. Additionally, other prisoners might decide to relieve their sexual tension by using your rectum as a Fleshlight. Many states have “must-arrest” laws when it comes to domestic violence calls, meaning that it’s almost certain that you will be hauled away.

Hypothetical reversal: If your girl loves you enough, she might drop the charges.

As much as some girls really deserve a slap across the face, giving her a shiner is not a good idea. I hope this article helped explain why inflicting short-term pain on your girl may result in long-term pain for you. So long as you don’t confuse punching and kicking with spanking your girlfriend to discipline her and show her her place, you’ll be fine.

Read Next: How to Beat Your Girlfriend or Wife and Get Away with It

  • Isaac Baum

    If you post this in RoK, It could get as heated as the tatoos article :)

  • Tim

    Brilliant!

  • Tim

    That was one of the all time highlights of my internet experience

  • Dokter Mayhem

    I am still waiting for your list of why women with blue hair (or any nonstandard color) and single moms are batshit insane.

  • Haha. This was great.

  • Brigadon

    You could wear yourself out. It can be truly tiring, especially with today’s women… If you beat her ass every time she did something stupid, you’d just be constantly fatigued even if you were in the best shape.

  • AM

    What is this white knight bs you’re suddenly peddling? Men can hit women, but women have to endure it because that’s how biology is. There will always be a double standard.

  • Hell_Biker

    There’s another reason.

    If you have to resort to beating a girl to get her to do what you want, then you’re a shitty leader. If you actually had power then your woman would look up to you and want to please you.

  • camelCase

    How about “because hitting another person for reasons other than self defense is downright cruel and inhumane?” That seems much more logical than the reasons above.

  • red

    Hey you predatory cowardly maggot ….. YEAH YOU…YOU GOING TO GET A VISITOR SOON. GROW EYES IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD.
    THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU WHO FOLLOW THIS MAGGOT

  • Thanks for the heads-up, Miss Sallie Lancaster of Melbourne, Australia. I’ll be sure to notify the police. And CBP.

  • Henry Kelly

    Not funny. Disgusting. I’d beat my woman about like I’d beat my child. Like not at all. At least each item is advice to men to not beat their women.

    Up until the 1930s men who beat their women, usually classed as “wife-beaters,” could be and were sometimes put to the whipping post. Lesser beaters were sometimes put in the stocks. A few were hanged by vigilantes.

    It was women who got the whipping post and stocks abolished.

    If anyone is interested, many old newspaper articles and pictures of wife-beating incidents and whipping posts are on the internet.

  • LHathaway

    “Because men are physically stronger on average than women, virtually every man has the ability to beat the stuffing out of his girl if he wants”.

    If pairing were completely random, perhaps a third or more of girls would be stronger than their boyfriends or husband. Because it is very rare a woman will marry a man smaller and weaker than herself I can only conclude that challenging gender roles, and efforts to reduce spousal abuse against women have limits.

  • MyChemFTW

    This was excellent…BULLSHIT!!!Seriously it is bullshit. If you have to hit her to make her obey you,she is gonna leave you.You are an asshole and know that you have gotten my official stamp of hate. Please tell me you ate a troll.

  • MyChemFTW

    *are*

  • MyChemFTW

    THANK YOU

  • Fran Twins Art

    I love Matt Forney because women want men to think they’re better than them. Because women are actually smarter and superior as studies show, and we can manipulate men because of their stupidity to get what we want. shit, we don’t even need men anymore to reproduce! We just need them for entertainment like this! To use them. It’s great that men are worthless. My boyfriend even admits.

  • Fran Twins Art

    Well women are more superior so you shouldn’t beat those who are better than you.

  • Fran Twins Art

    I’m making an article on why male gendercide should be committed. U should check it out!

  • Fran Twins Art

    considering women are smarter than men this wouldn’t be statistically true.

  • Brigadon

    Considering women are aliens imported as draft animals from planet neptune by ancient dragon wizards, this also wouldn’t be statistically true.

  • Brigadon

    Hey, I live in building 690, across the street from the UFC training center in west valley, Utah, USA… My car is a black mustang, and I am the 6’3″ muscular fellow with the beard and tattoos. I truly welcome your visit. I follow ‘this maggot’ regularly.

    I am not giving you my actual address, because I have considerably more concern for the mail spammers that trawl the internet looking for addresses to sell than I do for you, but you can find me easily enough if you want to. I look forward to it. And please, bring a weapon of your choice.

  • Brigadon

    You don’t have to hit her to make her obey you. At least not more than once. If it takes more than once, she is intolerably stupid and undeserving of your attention.

  • Brigadon

    What studies?

  • Brigadon

    Man, Matt, I love your hate followers. They are comedy gold.

  • TheOneCat

    Omg I like it when the french fries are over heated under the table in the car that makes weird sounds over to the left too!

  • Five Reasons Why You Should Not Beat Your Girlfriend or Wife

    1) She’s a human fucking being!
    2) She’s a human fucking being!
    3) She’s a human fucking being!
    4) She’s a human fucking being!
    5) She’s a human fucking being!

  • MyChemFTW

    Good point.

  • You call these reasons?!
    Maybe you can say because it’s WRONG. These isn’t the biblical era, you should talk about your problem in order to fix them, using your muscle to prove a point while you can do the same thing using your tongue is basically stupid!

  • LR

    Ever beat up a girl for being alcoholic, drug-addict, smoker, or gambler? Some men do that.

  • SkylerIsABitch

    Wow… Faith in humanity is lost.

  • GerryAllwin

    When we say, “Beat your wife/concubine/girlfriend/slave, we don’t actually mean “beat.” You shouldn’t beat your woman any more forcefully than you beat your meat.
    She must submit to the spanking or paddling without actually forcing her. That is, she must give you her permission to paddle her arse. The permission is not verbal or by head-nodding but by assuming her favorite position.
    A good spanking or paddling should not leave real bruises that show the next day. Some lingering redness is acceptable.
    Never punish her in a way that gets in her way at serving you. Bastinado (beating the arches of her feet) may be used judiciously, as feet are tough, but not heavily enough to do any injury. Feet, while sensitive, are tough but don’t overdo the force. Many relatively light blows, not a few heavy ones, will do no harm while inflicting a lot of pain, just as on her buttocks.
    Do your best not to punish her out of anger. You should punish her out of duty, for her betterment. Cool off before administering her instruction in submission and worship of you, her lord and master.
    If she needs discipline but is still having a snit, let her settle down before paddling her. If she still will not submit to you, make her sleep on the couch.
    You must be evenhanded. Severe punishment for a minor infraction and then letting serious violations slide causes confusion.

  • GerryAllwin

    BS. Noninjurious hitting is good for us when fairly applied. Suppose you (male) come in drunk, late at night, and are rude to her. For her to have a woman hissy and pound on your chest with her fists (make sure to rake the knife away from her) lets her vent her annoyance with you, and helps communicate her justified irritation with your inconsiderate behavior. Even if she is just a slave, she is entitled to her consortium with you.

  • GerryAllwin

    The cops and jailers treat misbehavior much worse. Tell them your feelings.

  • GerryAllwin

    Not actual beating, you moronic pansy. Disciplinary spanking and paddling. By her voluntary submission.

  • GerryAllwin

    Women don’t “have to” submit. For contentment they should freely submit. That is how women control their men: by influence. It’s much more effective at getting what they want rather than mannish confrontation. Nothing wrong with putting on an act.

  • Gerry

    Just because men tend to be stupider than women doesn’t mean women aren’t stupid. Even the smartest ones have stupidity attacks. Like every 28-32 days.

  • Angela

    A good hand gun in the hands of a woman bent on self preservation is a great equalizer.

  • LHathaway

    Or on the hands of a man who has married a woman taller, larger or stronger than her. Oh wait, they don’t exist. A smaller or weaker man, unlike a firearm, would provide no advantage to her.

  • Angela

    Tall women have married short, scrawny men. Women are not nearly as superficial as men.

  • Angela

    The firearm is more reliable than a man.

  • Angela

    Do you think after reading the disturbing fantasy one of your readers had about f…… The knife winds inflicted on a woman’s thighs the melbourn police are going to be concerned about Sallie?

  • Angela

    I think we should bring back hangings.

  • LHathaway

    lol so funny!! less than 1% of couples consist of a stronger woman with a weaker man. If pairings were random, it would be potentially as many as 40%. ‘no means no’ and women have made it quite clear who they say no to. O magazine reported that only 3% of stay at home spouses are male. Other sources list that number at 14%, but this is a separate tally that include husbands who are no longer able to work instead receiving disability payments.

    I can only conclude that challenging gender roles, and efforts to reduce spousal abuse against women have limits. That limit being where they bump up against a woman’s perceived self-interest?

    When the day some women can no longer gain advantage from men’s violence they will no longer prefer men they believe are more capable of being violent.

    I guarantee that day is coming even if by all appearance that is the last thing that could ever occur.

  • LHathaway

    She’s a disgusting, ignorant feminist pig. As are you.

  • Angela

    I don’t think size makes men more violent. An entitled, selfish attitude and/or a complete lack of self control is most likely the cause.

  • Angela

    ” She must submit to the spanking or paddling without actually forcing her. That is, she must give you permission to paddle her arse.” If that’s the kind of relationship you have with your wife/girlfriend, you’re both a couple of kooks! Not surprising you enjoy this disgusting website.

  • LHathaway

    Seek out a man smaller and weaker than you. I’m pulling for you.

  • Angela

    I already have a wonderful man.

  • Angela

    He’s 6’5″.

  • Reasons to loathe culture-bound men: that comment.

  • LHathaway

    ‘Culture-bound man’? It’s completely understandable, but I fear you’ve misjudged me.

    I must say, if the words make me look bad, let me say them again: Ignorant feminist pig. Disgusting, ignorant feminist pig. And again and again . . .

  • Haha! You’re so basic it’s sad.

  • LHathaway

    Culture-bound, I would say no. Basic? Occasionally I’m told I’m a complex man but I will concede the point and just admit to being basic.

    ‘Shame’? ‘Sad’? I don’t think you’re quite frightening me. Having listened to Rush’s ‘Fear’ trilogy, and having read Mark Twain’s ‘Mysterious Stranger’, quite possibly ‘Neil Pearts’ inspiration for the song, you’re not really frightening me. Perhaps that doesn’t matter to you. I’m a lost cause and not your intended audience. Never-the-less, I would suggest you take this days witch hunt somewhere else. I’m not all that frightened.

  • matt

    Literally everything you used to convey that idea was created by men. Language, writing, computers, the internet, electricity. If men really were worthless, you’d be out gathering berries right now

  • Ben

    My Filipine wife’s dad never raised his voice, never mind hit his daughter. Any husband that would hit his Filipine wife doesn’t deserve her. The whole point of having a Filipine wife is she wants to take great care of her husband. He should divorce her so another man could love an take care of her.. I’ve raised my voice a few times in 8 years, an she gets totally quiet for hours. She takes such great care of me, an tells me she’s very happy to be married to me. I’m blessed to have her..

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  • Tall Tom

    And let me guess? He cannot maintain an erection?

    And he is not attracted to you and he is unattactive to you?

    I know a woman with your attitude…Guns…claiming that men are worthless…the whole nine yards.

    Well…She got married to a very wealthy man.

    She emasculated him so badly that he went and got himself a sex change operation.

    His breasts grew larger than her A cups…while he was doing this while still married to her. They divorced…as their marriage was a farce.

    She became so jealous that she had to go and get herself a silicone beef up.

    It is hilarious.

    Then she tried that shit with me???

    Nope. I am not going to allow that…at all.

    She had three children from a previous marriage..and one from a rape. (I respect that she kept him and did her best..but…)

    All four boys turned out as femmes. There is not a man amongst them.

    I really feel sorry for the poor shell of a man hooked up with you. I’d have no respect for him…if he exists.

    Your marriage is a farce….a counterfeit.

    When you obviously do not have respect for him, then why should I?

    He is a femme…a mangina.

  • Tall Tom

    Remember…You wrote, “The firearm is more reliable than a man.”

    The object has more value than your “lover”:?

    You are pure comedy.

  • Angela

    A man on a site bent on demeaning and objectifying women, now accuses a woman of placing higher value in an object. Now that’s funny.

  • mainestategop .

    That’s you’re reasons? How about because she’s human, its immoral, its barbaric among those things.

    Well at least you’re not a wife beater. I’d swear you were a Muslim terrorist otherwise.

  • and you can get killed by her brother…father or anyone who has sympathy for her….

  • BobTrent

    What do you use to reproduce? If you think it’s a Berkeley suction machine, you’ve been going to the wrong doctor.

  • BobTrent

    How did women bitch before men invented language? Just curious.
    Maybe that’s proof of men’s stupidity. Men invent language, women use it, not to say, “Yes!” to sex, but too berate and belittle just to warm up before the bitching really gets going.
    What did “Adam” or whoever say first with his new invention? “What was I thinkin’?”

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  • Meowchi D

    Well if you have any kids she might just be scared you could hurt them too, leave you and than pursue child support from you out of revenge of being treated like crap for years by you. And also never underestimate your opponent your woman may be smaller than you but who’s to say she won’t snap and try to kill you because she’s sick of being beaten. I mean think about it if someone degraded you emotionally and on top of that physically abused you do you really think murder wouldn’t be a fantasy that would enter your mind, if someone treated you like trash?