It’s time for me to come clean: I’ve been lying to you.
I’ve been telling you that I have a job, that I’m nearly making enough from my blog and books to live independently, that I get laid. All of it is false. In reality, I’ve been unemployed for nearly two years and haven’t seen a vagina since I was in college. I wish I could say I live in my mother’s basement, but I don’t even have that going for me: I live in the spare bedroom of my mother’s trailer in the Adirondacks. Speaking of my mother, she weighs 300 pounds, lives off disability and spends twelve hours a day watching TV. I moved back from Portland a few months ago because my dear father drank himself into a tree going 80 miles an hour.
My mom was overjoyed, if only because it meant her daily beatings were over.
Not only that, everyone else in the manosphere is lying too. I know this because I’ve met half of ’em. The New Orleans meetup had the atmosphere of an all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathon. Jeremy Sploosh is an overweight manlet and “Kaitlyn Sploosh” is his sockpuppet. TempestTcup is a blow-up doll: all “her” posts and Tweets are written by DoktorBill. The Mistress is actually Dr. Illusion’s little sister. (On a side note, ew.) The only one of us who’s actually ever gotten laid is Mitch, and that was back during the Reagan administration. And of course, all of us are unemployed and destitute.
How else do you think we were able to drop everything and spend a week in an expensive city like New Orleans, during the biggest tourist season of the year?
I began blogging two years ago because I thought there was a lot of money in catering to the manosphere. Because I’m a fat, broke virgin, I figured that creating a fantasy life on the Internet would compensate for the fact that I’m a complete loser in real life. No, seriously: I’m so repulsive that people who are paid to be nice to me, like waitresses and cashiers, can’t even hide their contempt. Just the other day, a 7-Eleven clerk spat on my pepperoni pizza before handing it to me. I still bought it, of course. At least she didn’t stomp on it like the last one did.
Unfortunately, I didn’t figure that everyone else in the manosphere was as broke as I was, thus keeping them from spending money on my books. As of right now, I’m $12,000+ deep in credit card debt and my student loan deferments end next month. Because I have permanently tainted my real name by using it to write horrendously offensive articles like “How to Crush a Girl’s Self-Esteem” and “The Case Against Female Education,” I’ve made it impossible to get any job that pays more than minimum wage. Put simply, I’ve fucked my future up beyond repair; it took the Mardi Gras meetup to realize what a bunch of frauds I’d wasted my life on.
Because of this, I’ve decided that the only option left is to kill myself.
No, don’t try to talk me out of it or call the police. This is all I have left. Not only have I failed to make a living or do anything useful with my life, I’ve used my online platform as a megaphone for evil. By writing horrifyingly misogynistic articles, I’ve objectively made the world a darker place by giving intellectual justification to bigotry. How many fat girls have developed anorexia and died because I said they didn’t deserve to be loved? How many women have slit their wrists because they believed they weren’t worthy of self-esteem?
No. The only way I can atone for ruining so many lives is to end my own.
As a last gift to you, my (lying, neckbearded, fedora-wearing) readers, I have decided to broadcast my suicide live on the Internet. Matt Forney’s Suicide Spectacular will go live on YouTube tonight at 9pm EST, 6pm PST. The Spectacular will feature guest appearances by Kid Strangelove, Mitch Sturges, Dr. Illusion and many more, all exposing the massive fraud that they have helped perpetuate. There will also be some surprises in store, so you’ll want to grab the popcorn for this one.
In death, I hope to provide the entertainment that I failed to give you in life.
So tune in tonight at 9pm Eastern/6pm Pacific for Matt Forney’s Suicide Spectacular! And let this be a warning to those of you are not yet hopeless: the “red pill” is a lie. Every single “manosphere” blogger you look up to is a faker. The only way to get laid is to treat women with respect; the only way to get a job is to go to college and do what your Marxist professors tell you to do; and it’s perfectly a-ok to be fat so long as you never make any attempts to change nor criticize anyone for the way they look.
My life may have been defined by hatred and bigotry, but I hope my death will be defined by tolerance and love.
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