Matt Forney
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How to Meet Fat Girls

This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists.

Now that you’re jacked, can cook like Gordon Ramsey, have a dick that could choke a horse, and can leave the house without spunking yourself, it’s time to head on safari. But where do you find the best game to hunt?

Are you serious, kid? Sixty-six percent of Americans are either overweight or obese. Unless you live in some bumfuck town of fifty people out on the North Dakota prairie, you can’t leave the house without seeing at least one fattie lumbering down the street in her Expand-O-Waist short shorts and pancake-flat flip-flops. You can’t not find fat girls anymore.

But I digress. There are many places where you can swoop hippos with minimal work. My personal favorite is Walmart. The low low prices brought to you by minimum-wage worker drones and Chinese slave labor attract fat chicks far and wide looking to get the most out of their monthly EBT stipends. The sudden explosion of 24-hour “super” Walmarts with full-blown grocery sections has made nailing big-ass broads even easier. I love to descend on girls as they’re browsing the candy aisle, mouth salivating at all those fattening sweets.

Other good places to pick up fat girls include buffet restaurants like CiCi’s Pizza or Golden Corral. All-you-can-eat restaurants are popular with fatties because they can stuff their jowls as much as they want for just ten, twenty dollars. Tip: approach them when they’re slopping food on their plates at the food islands. Nothing gets a BBW’s loins rumbling quite like some filth-encrusted buffet lobster!

Certain types of grocery stores and supermarkets are also great for meeting heifers. I say “certain” types because while all fat girls need to eat, they tend to avoid “healthy” or upscale markets because they’re both expensive and full of snooty thin girls who will shame them for not looking like an Ethiopian refugee. In other words, if you want to pick up a fat girl, you should check out places like Tops or Fred Meyer, not Whole Foods or Wegmans.

While fast food restaurants like McDonald’s or Taco Bell might seem like a good bet, I advise against them. The reason is because unless the place is crowded or there’s a fire in the kitchen, the fat chicks will get their food quickly and either leave or sit down to eat, and man, only a fool gets between a fattie and her chalupas. I’d rather get between a raw steak and a shark.

If you’re the kind of guy who likes to go out drinking, you can find fat girls at trashy dive bars in the bad part of town; the kinds of bars where people get glassed in fights and you have to piss in the sink because the toilet is clogged with paper towels and gigantic shit logs. The pubs on Burnet Avenue in my hometown of Syracuse, New York are a great place to pick up fatties, for example. (Advice: lock your car and hide all your valuables in the glove compartment before you head in the door.) Keep in mind, though, that like all women, fat girls are more difficult to approach at night due to the greater amount of sexual validation they get from horny dudes.

Now that you know where the wildebeests gather, it’s time to grab your rifle and go hunting. First things first: never approach a fat girl who isn’t alone. Most guys know that fatties are notorious for cockblocking, and when you close in on a gaggle of them, they’ll close ranks and shut you down. Think like a predator: does a cheetah chase after a herd of gazelles or does he go after the lone gazelle with a twisted ankle? Also, since so many fat girls have difficulty making friends due to society’s rampant sizeism, finding a fattie on her own isn’t that hard anyway.

Once you’ve located your target, zero in on her with this simple line: “Gee, you look like you’re having fun.” Say it with a sarcastic edge, so she knows you’re a witty guy. Unless she’s a total cunt, she’ll laugh. From there, launch into your standard game; get her name, exchange life stories, and generally do your best to show her that you’re a funny, cool guy.

It’s important to remember that fat chicks are still chicks; they expect you to lead them and direct the conversation. In everything you do with her, you need to make her seek your approval. Never give her anything she wants straight away: make her work to gain your approval beforehand. For example, when she asks you for your name, don’t give it to her immediately, but have her guess. This game of push-pull will get her pussy tingling like Ted Haggard’s dingus at a Chippendale’s show.

Now, here’s the clincher when it comes to beached whales: you have to prey on their insecurity about their size. Fat girls are assaulted with so much body-shaming on a regular basis that their self-esteem is usually in the basement. Even card-carrying NAAFA members are fronting, a hard shell of confidence around a squishy, gelatinous center. Penetrating this outer shell will have even the toughest fat acceptance activist squealing to suck your dick in no time.

Therefore, when you’re approaching a fat girl, you need to make her feel better about her weight. Tell her that you think she’s beautiful, that you love girls that are big (or alternately, that you hate “skinny bitches”; fat girls love it when men hate on skinny girls), and generally give her the validation that she so desperately craves. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this method has gotten me laid every single time I’ve used it.

Once your girl is enthralled by your masculine essence and non-judgmental nature, she will eagerly sleep with you. Half the time, she’ll want you to smash her right there on the supermarket linoleum. If this is the case, feel free to skip ahead to Chapter 4. If the best you can pull is a number, proceed to the next chapter to learn how to break down what little resistance she has left.

P.S. If you’re ready to start meeting BBWs now, click here.

Read Next: What You Need to Pick Up Fat Girls

  • theasdgamer

    Is this part of a series:

    How to pick up ugly girls

    How to pick up old ladies