Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

You Need $25,000 to Get Laid Every Weekend in the United States

get-laid

This is a guest post by the Captain Power.

I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend in late March, and since then I’ve been slowly building up my stable of rotating pussy.

The manosphere has discussed this topic to death, but it’s worth saying again: you have to be crazy to get married in the United States. Between lax divorce laws and a liberal court system, the average American male doesn’t stand a chance.

Just to put things in perspective, before my last girlfriend and I broke up, she would watch Sex and the City on television all day and then read Fifty Shades of Grey in bed.  She couldn’t wait to get married and then divorce the shit out of me.

But since we broke up I have started to get my groove back, and I’m finally getting laid on a regular basis.

For me personally, I always buy girls drinks and I always pay for dinner. I don’t want to blow my chances of getting laid over a $7 martini, so I usually end up paying for a drink or two. Last month I started reviewing my bank statement to see where all of my money was going, and I noticed a common trend: each date was costing me around $60.  So If I was going to get laid once a week, it was on average costing me $240 a month.

That might sound like a lot of money, but it really isn’t. The key is to cut down on some of your other expenses, such as drinking beer with your boys, and never order an expensive dinner for yourself. I usually skip the appetizer and dessert, and I usually just pick out the least expensive, healthiest item on the menu. I let her order whatever she wants, and the end result is usually guaranteed sex.

I earn a decent salary, so $240 a month isn’t going to put me into the poorhouse, but I’m looking for a way to subsidize my banging.  So how do I plan on doing this?

Answer: lending club.  I have been earning on average 10 percent for the last 18 months in my lending club account. As soon as I can increase my balance up to $25,000 it will completely fund my sex life for the next decade.

Of course, depending on where you live, you may need a lot less. In some small towns you may only need $10,000-15,000 for a meal at Applebee’s or a couple slices of pizza. Or maybe your town is so shitty that you can get away with $20 of crystal meth. I don’t recommend using crystal meth of course, but that’s a regular night out for a large percentage of the United States.

So if you are in your twenties, I highly recommend you start building up your pussy fund now. Start with your emergency fund, 401k, and Roth IRA first, but then slowly start contributing to your pussy fund. Once you get into your mid-thirties, you will thank me for it.

Power out!

The Captain Power is on Twitter. Be sure to check out his books: Work Out, Lose Weight and Stop Being Single, Don’t Get Married Because You Are Tired of Drinking! The 50 New Rules of Modern Dating, and The Official Las Vegas Pool Party Workout.

Read Next: You Will Never Get Laid if You Don’t Eat Gluten

  • Kim Du Toit

    “…never order an expensive dinner for yourself.” — That’s incorrect. Spoil yourself first, your date second. Life is too short to eat crap food, so treat yourself to great-tasting food and leave the cheap food for your dates, when you’re buying for two. If you really want to cut down on expenses, quit eating out at lunchtime when you’re at work– all those $7 sandwich/drink combos add up quickly when you multiply them by 22 every month. (And if you have to go out drinking with buddies, keeping it to once a week and a three-drink max will save you a boatload of money.)

    Trying to impress women by eating at pricey restaurants is counter-productive. Better to impress her when she finally comes round to eat at your place, where you have buffalo mozzarella, Roma tomatoes and expensive olive oil, along with good steaks, bakery breads, decent wines and such — instead of the standard revolting bachelor foods like Kraft Singles (processed American cheese), ramen noodle cups, Kraft Blue Box mac-n-cheese and cans of chili. (In fact, a good rule of thumb is not to have anything made by Kraft in your house at all.) If you also have some quality Le Creuset or Mauvel kitchenware and Villeroy & Boch chinaware and flatware, what you’re showing her is that you’re a classy guy.

    All this will achieve two ends (apart from making your own life more enjoyable, that is): 1. it will probably make her feel inferior to you (unless she’s a classy kinda gal, in which case she’ll pre-qualify you as a mate), and 2. your unspoken message is: share all this with me, and your life will be better (the ultimate goal of all women when choosing a mate). Not only that, but her reaction to your stuff will also tell you a lot about her — if she’s clueless about that kind of thing, she’s likely to be a peasant, for example.

    Finally: don’t flash that stuff around or drop brand names like some parvenu character out of a Bret Easton Ellis novel. If she comments about any of it, just shrug it off with a throwaway comment like, “I like to eat well and be comfortable.”

    And when all else fails, remember the immortal words of Stirling Archer: when she says, “Do you live like this?” your response should be: “You mean you don’t?”