Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

No Head Please, I’m Female

cunnilingus

NOTE: Nearly a year ago, I ran a blog named Virginia’s Secret Garden for the purpose of making fun of “red pill women” and their beta orbiters in the manosphere. I wrote under the nom-de-plume of “Virginia Robinson,” a happy submissive Christian housewife living in the Midwest… who blogged about her sex life in nauseating detail. You can read more about the hoax here.

Because I’m no longer updating the site, I’ve decided to let the domain VirginiasSecretGarden.com expire. Here is one of the articles I wrote for the blog, originally published on January 24, 2014.

Confession time: I don’t like getting cunnilingus.

It’s not that my husband is bad at it: he’s had plenty of practice, both before and after he met me. But there’s something about the act of eating pussy that leaves me cold.

Whenever my husband goes down on me, I just get frustrated and I end up asking him to stop. He knows how to hit all the right buttons, from massaging my clit with his tongue to fingering my pussy, but nothing he does can get me off. It feels unnatural somehow. My husband used to think my inability to enjoy cunnilingus was his fault, but he’s never had problems making me orgasm from regular sex.

It took me ages to figure out what was wrong: cunnilingus is unnatural for women.

cunnilingus

When we ladies fantasize, what do we typically dream of? Penises! When it comes to jilling off, we buy fake, plastic vibrating phalluses, not tongues. Getting filled up and getting eaten out are two entirely different sensations. Compare to when guys get blowjobs; realistically, a mouth isn’t that much different from a vagina. They’re both dark, damp orifices that they can thrust into.

Not only that, I’ve come to believe that going down on a girl upsets the natural order of masculine dominance. Going down on a man is an act of submission; you’re letting him stick his genitals in your mouth, for crying out loud! Not only that, when a man lets you suck him off, it’s a gesture of trust, him telling you that he knows you’ll take good care of his most sensitive bits. It’s this dynamic that makes blowjobs hot in and of themselves.

When a man goes down on a woman, the dynamic is flipped: he’s the submissive one and you’re the one he’s desperate to please. It’s a complete perversion of the natural order. As much as a man as my husband is, I can’t respect him when he’s dragging his tongue across my nether regions, trying to find the specific combination of figure-eights and finger-thrusts to make me climax.

I might just be a freak about this, but I think any woman who excessively enjoys cunnilingus is a lesbian or has lesbian tendencies. Feminists promote eating pussy because they desperately want to be men and are jealous of the pleasure men get from oral sex, haha. I think it’s time we ladies admitted this.

In the meantime, I’ll keep getting my orgasms the old-fashioned way.

Read Next: The Inevitability of Female Submission

  • Batterytrain

    Why is there a Negroid in the picture? I thought you didn’t like or succumb to that shitz stuff Matt.

  • david dorian

    AGREE FULLY

  • Batterytrain

    Are you agreeing with me?

  • HappyWifey

    If you are even slightly serious, you can’t be, can you? You are operating under such a flawed/incomplete premise that I regrettably doubt your understanding of dominant/submissive dynamics.

  • HappyWifey

    Kona. He is sorta/kinda right, insofar as a submissive’s wiring goes. His is a cursory understanding, apparently. I tried to clarify things for him. I consider it a kind of public service. ;)

    The possibility is that he has no understanding of submission/alpha dominance and is just one of those people that routinely makes funmof everything he doesn’t understand. So tiresome, that.

  • ohboy

    Actually, if you had read the beginning, you’d see that the whole article was written by a female, all this guy did was repost it.

    Also, the part where she says “When we ladies fantasize, what do we typically dream of” is quite obvious that a male is not speaking. Let’s pay attention, shall we?

    And I can tell you, I’ve never met a straight woman that did not fantasize about a penis. It may not fill their hourly thoughts, but straight women DO think about penis.

    You literally said you don’t fantasize about penises AT ALL, so you aren’t straight AT ALL. I mean, if you’re horny and a penis doesn’t turn you on, then you aren’t straight. Because the only other thing that could get you off are hands and a tongue……and if that’s the case you might as well be a lesbian (which you are).

  • Kona

    Um… if you’d read the beginning… he literally says it’s a hoax in the Note. “Let’s pay attention, shall we?”

    That’s great for you, what made you assume I’m straight or a lesbian? I’m bisexual. I’m going to be honest and say I don’t remember saying I don’t fantasise about penises at all, I’m pretty sure I mixed up my words and meant penetration. And… did you not even read my post…

    “Less than half of women are able to come with penetration alone, you do realise that, right? When a penis goes inside you, it doesn’t touch the clitoris, which has more nerves than the head of the penis. So obviously continued stimulation on that is better than something rhythmically and boringly going inside your hole.”

    That’s got nothing to do with sexuality or penises. Many women (and I mean MANY) couldn’t get off with finger penetration either. Not just “ew penis”, like it literally just doesn’t feel like anything because if the guy isn’t hitting the woman’s gspot, then there’s nothing else for him to do there. All a guy needs is friction, basically, but a woman can’t get off so easily. I don’t really get how you could read my post and not understand that, and I feel like I’m just reiterating things.

  • Anon

    If this guy doesn’t believe in female intelligence, then why is he posting something written by a woman?

  • Lindsay T.

    I know this isn’t real and it’s old, but I’m sorry…a real submissive doesn’t tell her husband what to do in bed. Getting eaten out doesn’t make you dominant…he’s controlling your orgasms. I’m actually really surprised people thought this was written by a real woman. Wishful thinking for guys who hate going down on their woman I guess lol

  • SUPRA luca

    In nature it’s mostly males who give oral sex to females (out of the species that practice oral sex). It’s used so to try and make the female stick around long enough so they can have copulate.
    And that is one female talking (if she is in fact female). Most females would agree oral sex feel extremely good – most females can’t orgasm only with intercourse! There is nothing dom/submissive about oral sex or intercourse, they are just a sexual acts. One can play and imagine it as a sub/dom act, but it’s more about our imagination than anything else.

    So, maybe, stop for once and for all with those erratic, biologically unproven and wrong articles? Just a tip.

  • SUPRA luca

    You’re a misogynistic male. You are dumb, ignorant and uncivilized enough to believe the myth that women aren’t “logical”…you guys don’t even know what logic really means (the definition) and how our brain uses it with just everything – even TYPING ON A KEYBOARD, which is something that female just did. Too ILLOGICAL of you to believe animals of the same specie could have such a big difference on logic like that only because of gender, hahaha!
    Idiotic eunuchgo, go read a book or two about the human brain.

  • DNA(splicer)

    lmao I don’t fantasise about penises at all. Less than half of women are able to come with penetration alone, you do realise that, right? When a penis goes inside you, it doesn’t touch the clitoris, which has more nerves than the head of the penis. So obviously continued stimulation on that is better than something rhythmically and boringly going inside your hole. Absolutely hilarious that a man wrote this and really thinks women are like that. I pity any woman you’ve been with.

    The first sentence says “LMFAO,I DONT FANTASIZE ABOUT PENISES AT ALL.”

    Why evenblie about it and say you never said that when it says it in the first sentence lol. This reminds me of all the women I’ve ever know they say something and 2 seconds later would say I didn’t say that and would swear to heaven and hell they never said it. What’s up with women and lying so much. Even caught red handed they lie.

  • DNA(splicer)

    I would hardly call basic activities logical stimulation. I think he meant logic in more of higher thinking or process.

    Let’s be honest the smartest humans on earth are men and the dumbest are men too. However in the end men have always been on top of the intelligence charts and logical charts as well.

    Hard logic is impossible as long as you have emotions however men have more logic and can control their emotions way more than women.

  • DNA(splicer)

    People don’t read, it’s sad really.

  • the_spiral

    I’d like to meet the geniuses who EVER thought this clueless tripe was written by a woman. I have a bridge to sell them too.