Matt Forney
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Nobody’s Getting Laid at the Museum of Sex

museum-of-sex

I swear to God, I don’t seek these things out; they come to me. In this case, I was rifling through the flyers hanging up on my hostel’s bulletin board when I found an advertisement for the Museum of Sex, conveniently located in the Flatiron District in lower Manhattan. I figured it would be the usual leftist faux-subversive drivel—“Oooh, look at us, talking about sex and saying ‘cunt’ and flipping off Middle America! WE’RE SO EDGY!”—but since I prefer to go off the beaten track whenever I visit new places, I decided I’d check it out anyway.

I wouldn’t exactly call the Museum of Sex a must-visit, but if you’ve got the time, it’s worth a couple hours of your day.

Be forewarned: this article is really not safe for work.

museum-of-sex

Inside the entrance/gift shop. The Museum is misleadingly constructed; this sign is next to an entryway that looks like it leads to the exhibits, but it actually takes you to the aphrodisiac-themed cafe next door. The exit from the exhibits also leads down to the cafe.

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

Inside the first exhibit, “Universe of Desire,” all about online porn as filtered through the book A Billion Wicked Thoughts. My pictures are crappy because the room had all the atmosphere of a peep show booth crossed with the gay nightclub in Irreversible, and because I felt a little uncomfortable taking pictures of trannies and gay guys fucking. I also tried to avoid touching any of the walls.

The most interesting part was the section that compared gay and straight porn, showing that gay and straight mens’ sexual desires were more or less identical. Both gays and straights value youth and physical attractiveness, even if the details aren’t quite the same.

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

The section on sexting and marital infidelity featured a huge printout of Anthony Weiner’s Facebook chats with one of his homely paramours. How scintillating.

museum-of-sex

“My Life Ruined By Sex” is an exhibition of work by William Kent, an artist who, after being blackballed from the New York art scene in the 1960’s, continued to create racy paintings and gigantic, Clockwork Orange-esque penis sculptures until his death a year ago.

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I want one of these to put on my front lawn.

museum-of-sex

Every manospambot reading this just perked up in glee.

museum-of-sex

Just in time for Monday Night Rehabilitation, it’s the Dildozer!

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And every feminist reading this is now squealing in delight.

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

Some more pictures from the exhibition on Kent. You have to admire the guy’s tenacity; he chose to live his life in obscurity rather than sell out and pander to the masses.

museum-of-sex

This palpably erect bonobo greets you when you enter “The Sex Lives of Animals,” which is exactly what it sounds like. The tilt of the exhibit is the usual politically correct, leftist crap trying to delegitimize natural human sexual roles, but the information is bang on and pretty interesting.

museum-of-sex

Two bonobos fucking. Next to this statue is a video showing bonobo sexual activity in all its glorious detail. Oh, happy day.

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

More fully-sized sculptures of hot animal lovin’. I also have a picture of the pronghorn orgy sculpture, but it’s too blurry to post.

museum-of-sex

museum-of-sex

Yes, that is a mallard duck raping another dead (male) duck. I would have loved a fully-sized sculpture of that.

museum-of-sex

The final exhibit, “Spotlight on the Permanent Collection” is a random collection of erotic curiosities, nudie pics and other strange artworks.

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The “Fuck Bike,” a fixie with a dildo on the end. I’m just waiting for the hipsters in Brooklyn to start cobbling these together in their garages.

museum-of-sex

A urinal designed for female use. Understandably, it has not taken off.

museum-of-sex

Various pornographic clips from the 1940’s and 50’s. Why they’re so small is anyone’s guess.

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No comment.

museum-of-sex

A pair of RealDolls.

museum-of-sex

A custom-built BDSM contraption. Weeeeee!

museum-of-sex

This perverse throne was designed for foot fetishists. The object of affection sits on the glass box and places her feet on the pedestal below. Yeesh.

museum-of-sex

My personal favorite sight, the “Disneyland Orgy.” As the plaque next to it explains, the only reason why Disney didn’t sue the creator of the drawing is because they didn’t want to draw attention to the “Orgy’s” existence.

museum-of-sex

Various books for sale at the gift shop. The Museum also has a large collection of sex toys, lubes, condoms and other tawdry tchotchkes.

museum-of-sex

No, I have no clue why the shop was selling this, but there you go.

As I said already, the Museum of Sex isn’t worth skipping any of the main New York City attractions. But if you have some free time and you want to get off the beaten path, I recommend checking it out.

Read Next: The Graveyard of the American Empire: Visiting the National September 11 Memorial and Museum

  • Thanks. Just made my list of to-do’s. Lost of potential to take hilarious pics in there.

    Great place for a 1st date too.

  • This place looks like an *ana*phrodesiac.

    Here’s my definition of perversity: any sexual behaviour that twists the natural roles to put the woman on top. Foot fetishism with the throne – turning the male into the supplicant. The need for BDSM gear to hold a woman down, because the man lacks the force of personality to do it. So forth.

    It’s not the practice per se, but they way it’s done – the energy behind it. I saw a comedy once where a French rake grabbed a woman’s knee-high boots after taking them off, and lustily breathed in the scent from them – causing them to crumple with his breathing. Ridiculous? Yes, but the way he was doing it was Alpha – holding her down, and taking pleasure in every part of her.

    That pink throne is just gonad-shrivelling. Almost all of the exhibits are anti-sex, they’re punishing towards masculinity. The only “penis positive” examples you mention are the ones involving gay sex, or giant phallic contraptions which no man can compete with.

    It should be called the Museum of Cuckoldery & Erectile Dysfunction.

  • Ron5

    Hey man, those naughty sex rebels are rad bro. Yeah bro, rad. Totally rad.

    Hey Forney, how many effeminate dorks did you see in that ‘museum?’

  • cecilhenry

    To me, looks like a complete waste of time.

    IT seems the people who always want to talk about sex, display it and show their knowledge of it, always have nothing really interesting or beneficial to say about it.

    That’s been my experience, and looks like it here.

  • Caelan McKenzie

    The look on the face of that male panda is priceless. The anthropomorphism is obvious.

  • Carl

    Gibbon’s Decline and Fall actually introduced me to the concept of anal sex. I was reading it when 11 or 12 and there was a reference to some Byzantine Empress who had previously been known to use “all three apertures”. I quickly figured out the first two, and then it hit me… ewwwww.

  • Damn, that disneyland orgy is nice!
    Matt lets sell that as a live Iphone walpaper – well make some buck!

  • whaddup matt fat chicks shud check out that dildo bike theyd be gettin hella fake dick &also not be as fat