Matt Forney
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millennials

From Snowflakes to Shitlords: or, How I Learned to Stop Hating and Love the Millennials

millennials

NOTE: I originally submitted this article to another website on January 24, 2017, over two weeks ago. I’ve yet to receive a response from anyone there, so I’m assuming they weren’t interested in publishing it.

Whining about “kids these days” is a time-honored tradition, as American as apple pie, artery plaque and pointless overseas wars. And no generation has been as universally loathed and picked on as the millennials. They’re sensitive snowflakes! They’re sexual degenerates! They can’t walk down the street without having a teddy bear to hug and a safe space within fainting distance! If children are the future, the millennials are gonna turn the West into a transcontinental hugbox where you can’t so much as fart in the vicinity of a transsexual otherkin without getting ticketed for hate speech… assuming that ISIS doesn’t eat us all for lunch first.

I’ll admit that I used to enjoy millennial bashing, and I’m a millennial: born in 1988, the last year of Herr Reagan’s reign. It wasn’t hard, seeing as seemingly four out of five of my peers were brain-dead leftoids. I remember Election Night 2008, when my apartment block exploded in rapture upon Obama’s victory; I remember the gay bartender in Bushwick who flipped out because I used “fag” in casual conversation (even though I wasn’t referring to gays); I remember the wannabe Chicago punkette who read my blog the morning after and called me a “woman-beater” because I like my girls to be girls and not men with vaginas. The endless succession of news articles on Generation Snowflake’s narcissism and the feminist struggle sessions against my work further justified my cynicism.

But now, mere days into the God-Emperor’s reign, I must confess that I was wrong. There’s a ton of human flotsam in Generation Y, no doubt; those safe spaces on college campuses are real. But the silent majority of millennials is waking up. The snowflakes’ time is up and the time of the shitlords is upon us.

If you doubt this, ask yourself how the 2016 presidential election would have turned out had those damn kids not been memeing and trolling on your behalf. Donald Trump won whites aged 18-29 by five points, the first time since 1988 that any part of that demographic has been won by a Republican. Millennials as a whole only tipped towards Hillary Clinton because blacks and Latinos voted for her in landslide margins, and the latter are so numerous among millennials because of immigration policies that you and your heroes supported (Reagan amnesty, anyone?). The thin red line connecting GamerGate—focused as it was on getting SJWs out of the game industry—and millennial involvement in the Trump campaign is impossible to ignore.

For that matter, pretty much all of the pathologies and problems of millennials are products of Baby Boomer social engineering. Safe spaces and trigger warnings were begat by helicopter parenting, political correctness and the Boomer mantra of “don’t talk to strangers,” depriving kids of the roughhousing and experimentation necessary to not become autistic weirdos. Millennial underemployment was driven by Boomers outsourcing all the good-paying factory jobs to Mexico to save a few pennies, then pushing their kids to major in useless degrees to the tune of $20,000+ a year. Transsexuality and other sexual dysfunctions came about because Boomers outsourced parenting to the boob tube and Tumblr. Complaining about millennials as an old fart is like cracking someone in the leg with a shovel, then laughing at them for not being able to run a marathon.

It’s even cuter when GenXers whine about millennials. I used to jokingly claim that I wanted GenX to adopt me, before the election happened and most of my GenX friends (I love you guys, but you can be real buzzkills) either turned against Trump or were unusually bullish on him. I should have been expecting that: after all, GenX’s chosen Christ figure was a junkie who hated himself for being straight, white and male. If Kurt Cobain hadn’t had the foresight to blow his own brains out, he’d have ended up in the same pit of alt-rock irrelevance that Thurston Moore and J Mascis are sharing a bathroom stall in. It shouldn’t shock anyone that a generation that deified this mediocre crybaby would turn out to be a bunch of mopey faggots.

But pointing out how your elders scampered up the ladder of success, kicked it away and made fun of you for not being able to scale the wall is only the first step. It was up to us to rise above, and rise above we have. It was quite literally pre-ordained.

Enter The Fourth Turning, a prophetic book that laid out four types of generations, each defined by how they were raised and how they changed the West. The Boomers represent the Prophet archetype, pretentious egomaniacs who tore down cultural institutions so they could do it in the road without showering before or after. Generation X are the Nomads, born and raised during the anarchy unleashed by the Prophets, adopting a cynical pose to cope with the fact that they don’t feel truly at home in a changing culture. Millennials (defined according to the book as those born from 1982 to 2004) are the Hero Generation, destined to clean up the mess you oldsters made and usher in a new era of light (PEPE!).

Isn’t that awfully self-congratulatory? You bet your worn-out My Aim is True vinyl it is. But millennials are the perfect group to fix the mistakes of our elders, because we aren’t tied to the past. Boomers and GenXers have memories of an America where you could speak your mind without becoming unemployable or get a $47,000 a year job after graduating high school. But the two defining presidents of my childhood were a sex addict who got caught using his intern as a humidor and a blue blood inbred who LARPed as a Texan hick. From the perspective of someone born in the eighties or later, America was never great.

Millennials came of age in a world where the entire establishment, from the politicians down to the flesh-puppets of Hollywood, were complete and total jokes. No shock that we want to crash it with no survivors. Donald Trump is the avatar of our rage: while not a millennial himself, his ideas and attitude make the overly comfortable chattering classes collectively brown their pantaloons. Because we have no memory of the leftist upheavals of the sixties and seventies, we’re not bound by the taboos that have held back Boomers and GenXers. Our parents fear the taint of “racism” because of their memories of Hair, Martin Luther King, Jr. and industrial-strength LSD: we see four Chicago savages kidnapping an autistic boy for an anti-white snuff film and we call a spade a spade.

To be true, there are plenty of retarded millennials out there. Generation Y is one of extremes: collectively triggered lefties throwing anti-free speech fits on one side, and unapologetic shit-talking nationalists on the other. But the naysayers claiming that millennials are a lost generation are basing their opinion solely on the former, promoted as they are by the (Boomer- and GenX-controlled) mainstream media, which lies about everything. The proud millennials will go unsung by the MSM, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Begging a mainstream publisher to give you a book deal is for GenX washouts.

So lay off the millennial bashing, Gramma. Not only does it make you look like a hack, it’s way off-base. While you’re busy trying to scrounge up bus fare to go to Walmart for some bottom-shelf gin, we’re busy disposing of the used Depends you’ve thoughtlessly scattered around the house. The kids are all right, in every sense of the word.

Read Next: Mailbag: Not All Boomers Are Like That

  • Ben Sanderson

    seems a little harsh on gen x but whatevs.

  • South Texas

    “But the two defining presidents of my childhood were a sex addict who got caught using his intern as a humidor and a blue blood inbred who LARPed as a Texan hick. ”

    As usual, Matt is never at a loss for words. Only if newspapers could publish stuff like this once in a while, they would be worth reading again. And yes, as a native Texan, Bush family were merely some 20th century northeastern carpetbaggers who ingratiated themselves into a small oil city for a congressional seat since the Kennedy clan and other wealthy liberals had the Northeast wrapped up for themselves.

  • Laguna Beach Fogey

    I tend to get along really well with Millennials and Boomers in real life. (I’m Gen X).

    unusually bullish on him

    What does this mean? I’ve seen people of all ages express some serious enthusiasm for Trump.

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