Matt Forney
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A Taxonomy of My Haters

taxonomy

If you’ve been around as long as I have, you start to notice patterns. The vast majority of people are automations. Walking dead. Robots. They talk the same, think the same, act the same. Every single special little snowflake who winds up on my blog from Tumblr or Facebook pulls the exact same cards every time. It’s almost comical how interchangeable these dweebs are, so interchangeable that I’ve been able to create this little list of the most common haters I’ve gotten over the years. Enjoy!

1. The personal appearance hater.

This hater calls me fat, ugly and poorly dressed, sometimes accusing me of hypocrisy for wanting feminine women even though I’m supposedly not much of a man. Some particularly dedicated haters will even claim I’m short, even though I’m 5 foot 10, which is above average for white American men in their twenties. I’ve even had people claiming I have a lisp. This is all based on a couple of pictures of me taken two years ago when I was hitchhiking across America.

There are two ways to attack this.

Firstly, leftists and feminists operate on a bizarre logic: in their world, you can be as fat and disgusting as you want so long as you’re unapologetic about it. You can be five hundred pounds with oozing fungal infections in your blubber rolls, unable to leave your house without a forklift, but as long as you “accept” that you’re a hideous slob and keep making excuses for it, you won’t draw their ire. However, if you try to lose weight and are critical of fat people who don’t make any effort to do the same, you are a HORRIBLE! HYPOCRITICAL! ASSHOLE!

In other words, leftists sanctify laziness and sloth and despise industry and work.

Secondly, if you are an anti-feminist or a masculine man, leftists will claim you’re ugly no matter what you look like. The term “douchebag” was specifically invented as an epithet to hurl against fit, attractive men whom leftists and losers don’t like. Roosh gets blasted all the time for being “ugly” even though any objective observer can see that he’s physically fit and takes care of his appearance. I’ve seen Dr. Illusion get attacked on Twitter for his looks even though he has a pic of himself and his girlfriend there. My personal favorite example was when Dave Weigel, the only thirtysomething in the world with acne, tried to mock Pax Dickinson for dressing well and taking care of himself.

If your haters can’t find anything legitimate to bash you for, they’ll just make shit up. That’s why they’re haters.

2. The conspiracy theorist.

This hater accuses me of sockpuppeting and trolling under various names, based on nothing more than the fact that I used to write under a pseudonym. I’ve been accused of being everyone from LaidNYC to Dr. Illusion to the Mistress to the Captain Power and more for the most ridiculous reasons. For example, I was once accused of being LaidNYC based on the fact that I commented in my review of his book that his writing is so good that it seems like he’s been done this before.

Like the tinfoil hat theorists who imagine Illuminati and Bilderberg plots around every corner, these haters are projecting their own loserness onto me. They think that anti-feminists would create fake identities to troll them because it’s precisely what they would do—and have done—to us. They simply can’t imagine that we not only have interesting and enviable lives (and don’t have the inclination to troll online), we have countless supporters who will back us up in a fight.

3. The finger-fucker.

I was having a conversation with Danger & Play a while back where he defined a hater as someone who, whenever you write a hundred words, will finger-fuck one word but will never offer their own hundred words. That’s as good a definition as any. Because leftists are autistic and incapable of understanding nuance, they will take figures of speech in your writing at face value and try to deconstruct them, not realizing how stupid they look in the process.

The best example of this I’ve ever found is the reaction to LaidNYC’s “Your Seed is Gold” article. He wasn’t literally arguing that his seed was gold; it was a metaphor to describe the pride he takes in being a man and the high standards he has for himself and girls he courts. The Jizzabels and other sperglords seized on this to make jokes about the periodic table and to post scientific studies showing that an individual man’s sperm isn’t that valuable, completely missing the point of his piece.

The best example relating to me, though, is a four-part blog series an elderly transsexual atheist blogger wrote about my article on female self-esteem. Each part is chock-full of absurdities, but my favorite was when she read my phrase “urban slut machine” and thought I was talking about non-whites, even though it’s clear from the rest of the article that I was talking mainly about upper-middle class white women.

It’s a small wonder that these people can even tie their shoelaces in the morning without managing to kill themselves.

4. The “troll” hater.

This hater accuses me of being fake and trolling just for attention, sometimes bringing up my book Trolling for a Living as evidence. Also see the people who claim that they “can’t tell” if my blog is satire or not.

These ninnies are the equivalent of the church ladies in Victorian Britain who would faint every time they heard a four-letter word. Because most leftists live in an impenetrable bubble, never talking to or encountering anyone who thinks differently than they do, they can’t handle it when they come across any dissenting opinions. Thanks to PC educators raising boys and girls to become gender-neutral carrots and the Internet stunting peoples’ social skills, the average leftist has glass bones and paper skin.

That and some of them are just outright faking.

When I first began blogging years ago, I’ll freely admit that I said and did certain things for attention, but I was also a dumb, immature idiot back then. Nowadays, I just state the truth as honestly and frankly as I can, and if you don’t like it, tough. As Jim Goad put it, to assume that I’m trying to offend you is to assume that I give a shit about your feelings.

5. The “liar” hater.

This hater accuses me of lying about everything; about getting laid, about being fit, about having a job, about my last name. It’s tempting to prove them wrong by posting evidence that they’re full of shit, but there’s really no point to it. Most newbies make the mistake of assuming that their haters are motivated by logic and are inclined to do precisely this.

The reality is that haters are motivated by emotion.

Haters don’t hate you for a legitimate reason: they start out hating you, their reasons being nothing more than backwards rationalizations. They’re like girls. Appealing to them with proof that you’re not lying is pointless because they’ll just find another reason to bash you. You could post a video of yourself picking a girl up, taking her back to your place and banging her in every position known to man and they’d still accuse you of making it all up.

Either that or they’d claim that the girl isn’t actually hot. “She’s too skinny.” “Her elbows are too sharp.” “Her nose is too big.”

One of the biggest mistakes you can make as a writer is wasting time on people who despise you. Haters will always be haters; they’re failures who spend their time tearing down successful men to make themselves feel better. Your energies should be concentrated on people who like, respect and admire you, because those are the only ones who matter. If your friends don’t trust you, then they’re not your friends.

And whenever the haters come onto your territory, mock and belittle them without mercy. They’re going nowhere in life; no need to get dragged down with them.

Read Next: The Rabbits Go to War; or, How Your Haters Will Try to Destroy You

  • ” Because leftists are autistic and incapable of understanding nuance”

    I am autistic and am quite capable of understanding nuance. Why do you keep hating on autists? If you’re trying to diminish your market, you’re going about it properly. Keep attacking autists and you’ll succeed in diminishing your market, not to mention looking like a moron while doing it. You obviously don’t understand autism.

  • I have a little dick and I never get laid. I have been told this several times.

  • The best is when someone calls you both a virgin and a rapist.

  • By the way, great article Matt. Guys like you help the rest of us move past the fear of haters into writing honestly.

  • I am autistic and am quite capable of understanding nuance. Why do you keep hating on autists?

    lol, apparently not.

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  • @scott

    Your buddies over at the Douchebag Convention say that you need to head over there.

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  • Big Ing(mar)

    You missed the “pop psychoanalyst” hater, who acts like your vitriolic style is somehow an effort to compensate for powerlessness, or preserve your ego by provoking angry responses and then chalking up any criticism to hysteria, or blah, blah, blah. I swear, this unfalsifiable Freudian bullshit is the worst legacy of the 20th century.

  • JA

    They thought you were me? Should I show the pictures of me in Ireland 2 days ago?? lolol

  • baguazhang

    What is with all these touchy autists?

    Anyway, they wouldn’t hate you if you weren’t right about them

  • baguazhang

    Also, even if you were a super ugly racist sexist fat virgin rapist etc, you’d still be right about feminism. That’s what throws the lefties. How can someone be mean, AND right? The leftist mind determines credibility based on a person’s social position, not cold, unadulterated logic.

  • Wow, the douchebags are crawling out of the woodwork. Sometimes, when someone calls you a douchebag, you really deserve it.

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  • baguazhang

    Do all autists cry this much?

    Douchebag? You sound like you’d feel more at home with a gaggle of fat white chicks

  • I think that Zhang loves the wang. Bazang! Buhnghololoz

    I’ve never done any chicks below a 9. Sounds like Zhang is projecting again.

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  • lxc

    I wanna suck your cock.

    [CensorBot sez: Hot girls only.]

  • @IXC

    Cock-a-doodle-doo! I am Matt’s strutting rooster. However, like he sez, hot chicks only.

  • lxc

    Why do you keep censoring my comments? Maybe it’s because I’m a retarded shit-for-brains who should not be allowed to defecate all over other peoples’ blogs.

    [CensorBot sez: Yep, you got it.]

  • lxc

    I submit to your all-knowing magnificence, CensorBot.

    [CensorBot sez: Good. Now your journey begins…]

  • Idon’tCareBear

    I love you like a bro censorbot, someday in the far flung future of robots and artificial intelligence, I will get a rocket powered wheel chair and get you some sort of warbot body and we should go beat the living shit out of crime together.

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