Matt Forney
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The Organic Food Section: Not Just for Hippies Anymore

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Because I live in a Cracker Barrel county, I’ve never had the pleasure of stepping foot inside a Whole Foods. Wegmans, one of the regional supermarket chains, has pretty well-stocked organic food sections in its suburban stores, and I used to sneer at the crunchy granola types who filled its aisles in search of fair trade coffee and the like. “Ha ha, what a bunch of deluded sheep,” I remarked to myself.

All flabby 220 pounds of myself.

No more do I laugh at the SWPLs and hippies. In my quest to shed the aforementioned pounds, I’m now doing supplements like a crackhead lighting up in a South Side alley. Here’s a basic list of organic food items that will give you quick, noticeable improvements in your physical health.

Fish oil. If you take only one supplement on this list, it has to be fish oil. These soft, chewy, sardine-smelling capsules contain Omega-3, a necessity for brain health. Most Americans aren’t getting enough Omega-3, which probably explains why most Americans are useless droolers; their brains literally aren’t functioning properly. Since the best source of Omega-3, fish, is too expensive to eat on a regular basis, fish oil capsules are a more than adequate substitute.

I don’t know about you, but I like my brain. I like being able to think and write and be smart and stuff. I don’t want to become a senile dolt who can’t remember my children’s names. If you want to keep your mind sharp and intact, you need to be taking fish oil. Two a day keeps the Alzheimer’s away.

Apple cider vinegar. A lot of guys in the manosphere swear by this stuff; I’ve read it being used for everything from an arthritis cure to an appetite suppressant. Personally, the biggest change I’ve noticed from imbibing vinegar is improved circulation; my hands and feet no longer fall asleep as easily when I lay on them in an awkward position. 2-3 tablespoons a day of the stuff is what you need to start seeing positive effects.

While you can find apple cider vinegar in the regular part of the supermarket, that stuff is no good. You want Bragg’s Apple Cider Vinegar from the organic section because it contains mother of vinegar, the part of the elixir that gives it its restorative effects. Also remember that vinegar weakens the enamel of your teeth; I recommend carefully spooning it onto your tongue to minimize contact. And of course, brush your choppers at least twice a day.

Zinc. You should be taking this for one reason alone: zinc boosts testosterone levels. American men generally don’t have enough testosterone, which is why they’re limp geldings who are satisfied with working mindless office jobs and once-a-month sex from their fat wives. Pop a zinc tablet every day and reclaim your manhood.

Bee pollen. How much money do you spend on Starbucks crappuccinos every week? $20? $30? And it’s not like you’re drinking them for the taste; you only care about the caffeine. I used to get my pick-me-ups from energy drinks, which was hitting me in the wallet (in addition to being just plain bad for my health). A 100-pill bottle of bee pollen capsules will run you about $5-7 and last you more than a month.

Pollen gives you energy like caffeine, but gradually and more naturally, rather than giving you a jittery high and a debilitating crash. Ever since kicking caffeine a few months back, I’ve started using these babies instead; they leave me fired up and ready to kick ass.

Dark chocolate. One square of this stuff a day has been shown to improve cardiovascular health and lower blood pressure. You can’t just use the candy bars at the cash register, though; you need organic chocolate with a high cacao content. Ideally, you want chocolate that is at least 70% cacao; I personally prefer candy bars that are 85% cacao. They go great with a glass of red wine (which is also good for you in numerous ways).

Vitamin D. This stuff confers so many health benefits it’s ridiculous, but one big thing I’ve noticed is that Vitamin D puts me in a better mood, making me less depressed. Your skin naturally synthesizes Vitamin D from sun exposure, but again, most Americans spend the bulk of their time indoors. It gets worse if you live in a place like Central New York where it’s cloudy and overcast two-thirds of the year. Go for a short walk when it’s sunny and pop Vitamin D every day; it’s cheaper than antidepressants, more effective and doesn’t lobotomize you in the process.

Melatonin. For years, I’ve used over-the-counter antihistamines like Benadryl to get to sleep. The problem with antihistamines is that your body develops a tolerance to them very quickly, giving them diminishing returns if you use them every night.

Melatonin is way better because it attacks the root of the problem: the fact that most of us are staying up too late. 

Because computer screens are so brightly lit, they fool our bodies into thinking that it’s still daytime, screwing with our Circadian rhythms and causing us to miss valuable Z’s. Unlike sleeping pills, melatonin doesn’t directly make you tired; instead, it restarts your body’s day/night cycle, gearing you into “night” mode and making you want to hit the hay as a side effect. Even better, since melatonin is a natural hormone secreted by your brain, the sleep you get from using melatonin is more natural and deeper than the kind gotten from Ambien and the like. In a couple of weeks of using melatonin, I’ve been going to bed earlier and my sleep has been more restful and rejuvenating then before.

I just want to remind you all that I am not a nutritionist, scientist, doctor or licensed health expert. Always do your own research and read the label on the bottle before you make any dietary changes. The last thing I want to see is melatonin being banned by the government because some jackass swallowed half a bottle and ended up in a coma. And if you have any more suggestions for this list, feel free to sound off in the comments.

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