Matt Forney
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You Will Never Get Laid if You Don’t Eat Gluten

gluten

This is a guest post by the Captain Power.

I started working out in high school around 1995. Initially I got involved with weight lifting to prevent myself from getting stabbed by the Latin Kings, but of course I also wanted to get laid. Since I first started working out almost 19 years years ago, I have seen all different types of fad diets come and go. In the 1980’s, I remember my parents going on the “grapefruit diet” to lose weight. In College we had the creatine and andro fads, and most recently we have the “low-carb” and “gluten-free” diets.

So what is gluten? I have no fucking idea. I recently did a Wikipedia search to get a better understanding of what all the sheep were talking about, and gluten is basically a protein composite found in many foods processed from wheat. Personally, I have never found eating wheat in moderation to be a problem. It contains a decent amount of protein, and according to some doctors, only one percent of the population are allergic to it.

If you think that avoiding that bowl of oatmeal in the morning is going to change you into Mr. Olympia, then by all means go ahead. But the Captain Power is sticking with his gluten. I don’t think you will ever get laid without it.

The first problem is that gluten is the main ingredient in beer.

I love beer, chicks get horny when they drink beer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger drank beer. Beer is God’s gift to man. On my recent trip to Ireland, my friends drank at least ten pints of Guinness a day as well as numerous shots of Jameson whiskey, and almost every guy on the trip ended up getting laid. I have no doubt in my mind that drinking all of that beer contributed to us scoring. Of course, you can try to order a gluten-free beer, but it tastes like shit, and you will look like a complete beta-queer ordering it.

But most importantly, carbs are a great source of energy. You are going to need stamina to stay up all night and listen to some random girl’s bullshit, and then you are going to need that gluten power to stay awake and keep your penis erect.

Don’t kid yourself: there is big money in the gluten fad. Every American doctor who screens for gluten intolerance is going to charge your insurer for an office visit, a colonoscopy (video camera up your ass), endoscopy (camera down your throat), and anesthesia. When your test results come back, instead of checking you for the main cause of gastric irritation—anxiety—the doctor is going to tell you to avoid gluten, pasta, spices, coffee, citrus, and alcohol. Then he is going to schedule you for another test in six months, ram another camera up your ass, and tell you that your situation “looks better.”

So take my advice and avoid the big hype about gluten. What are the bad side effects? Gas and pimples? At 34 years old, I wish I would start growing some pimples again. And most importantly, just because you are allergic to something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it, especially when the benefits outweigh the adverse effects.

Gluten will keep your penis erect, provide your body with energy, and help you get laid.

The Captain Power blogs at Captain Power’s Underground Training Site. Also check out his book The Official Vegas Pool Party Workout.

Read Next: Does Having Money Help You Get Laid?

  • Captain Power! Great Post!

    I did not know that there was even such a thing as gluten free beer?

    I think I’ll stay with drinking some Stella and chill like a real man!! :)

  • Fitzgerald

    If you have Celiac’s disease, Crohn’s disease, or IBS, you should ABSOLUTELY avoid gluten. It’ll cause your intestines to shut down and shreds them up…

  • Peewee

    This article is not even wrong…

  • Theodore Logan

    I suspected the gluten scare was industry motivated too. Thanks Captain.

  • Zosia Valu

    Obviously you are very ignorant on this subject. Oats do not contain gluten! My suggesting is you read up on this if you are going to scrutinize so harshly. As someone who is sensitive to gluten I am well aware that this is no fad. This is no passing ship in the night and it’s here to stay. Gluten makes me bloated, increases the severity of my allergies, and over all makes me feel crappy. While I don’t have Celiac disease, I still do my best to avoid it. Dairy is also another trigger. These substances cause inflamation in your body and digestive system. Another thing, no doctor shoves anything anywhere. They do a simple blood test! That’s it. Make sure you eat gluten(ie. bread) before you get the test to that the reaction can be detected. If you are going to declare your self a solid source of information, education yourself on the subject in which you speak, please. People’s minds are obviously easily manipulated. Thank you!

    Zosia

  • Joe

    I refer you back to the first couple sentences of the second para.

  • I’ve looked into it, after meeting too many people with gluten allergies (some of them might be put-upon, but given that my mother and grandmother are on that list – the latter in the 80s, before it was faddish – it’s certainly not all of them).

    Gluten seems to act a lot like rare earth metals; at first it’s fine, it’s something you can process, until one day – bam! You get a full-blown metal allergy making you hypersensitive to everything. Gluten works the same way: once you acquire a gluten allergy, even the anti-caking agent in powdered spices will set you off, causing gut-rot and swollen joints.

    The main culprit behind the rising rates of gluten intolerance seems to be the increasing levels of gluten in wheat which have been selectively-bred over the past fifty years. It’s toxicity in the dosage. As a kid, teenager, young adult – you’re unlikely to have any gluten intolerance during these years. But as you get to your thirties, fortes, fifties – that’s when it kicks in.

    It’s hard to make definite statements on all of this, but given what data there is, I think it’s sensible to limit one’s gluten intake. Not eliminate it entirely, but keep it down to a manageable level. Choose rice over pasta when you can, and avoid the super-gluten foods on the instant-meal shelves.

  • Zosia

    Why wasn’t my comment posted? It was completely relevant. Challenging the Captitan is a no no?

  • Zosia

    @ Jose……………..a simple search tells you that Oats do not contain gluten.

  • I have been working out for 20 years straight, and i never heard of gluten until about 15 mnths ago….I have seen similar fads come and go.

  • Man Captain, this post really rustled a lot of jimmies.

  • I have a good friend who recently became a “anti-gluten” freak, and in my opinion most people are misdiagnosing anxiety with irritable bowel, insomnia, and made up dietary restrictions….if u are overweight and more concerned with gluten intake over heart disease you are wasting your time.

  • Cool.. so you are one of the few who is tolerant to nutritional mercury, and show no reaction to it.

    I left gluten, my life changed, few people around me left gluten, their lives changed, so that one of the guys hugged me, thank you thank you thank you. Internet is full of reports of people having illnesses lightened or cured when they get off gluten and few other irritants.

    In the name of being controversial, you are doing a disservice to many out there.

    It’s akin to saying, I drink menstrual blood, look at me how strong I am.

    My bowels and my health is more important than some bozo floozy who requires me to drink beer to get in her panties.

    I’ll drink my tequila, gin, wine, occasional whiskey and vodka.

  • Need to add.

    I am convinced that beer, wine etc had a hand in making civilization possible due to the alcohol, being sterilized and beer having antibiotics in them.

    The thing is, at those times, people’s gut was different; there are reports coming in that once a gut flora is changed with the addition of soil based bacteria, the gluten insensitivities lessen or disappear. Together with that and that in the last centuries, especially last century, wheat has been bread to be even more gluten loaded.

    Most of us today have had their gut destroyed by antibiotics, some necessary, most not; and thus our ability to handle gluten is diminished, at times when the gluten load has increased.

    The gluten thing is not a fad, it is a necessity brought upon by modern factors.

    Move to tequila. Tequila soda lime. Gin soda lime… etc etc

  • Trent Max

    Yeah. Pretty tired of heating about gluten thenthitivity

  • @finndistan All joking aside, I have been working out now for 20 years+, and I have seen sooooo many fad diets come and go. The fact that I have never heard of gluten until last year makes me a big non-believer. I work in NYC, and almost everyone in the city is overweight due to their “over-eating” more than any one specific dietary restriction. If you want, email me and I will send you a free copy of my workout guide….

  • Juset like we never heard of probiotics used for something else than diarrhea control, or antibiotics destoring the gut flora etc. It is not about the weight, if you eat too much non gluten food, youll still get fat, got no problem with that. It is not about the weight issue, it is a general health issue. I cannot convince you on anything, but one month off, and you’ll feel the difference; giving 80% chance to that.

    If it does not do anything to you, you are lucky.

    One year ago, juicing was what hippy dippies did…

  • Robert What?

    Oh hell. I knew there was a reason.

  • Tim

    What a load of ignorant bollocks.

  • John

    YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU GO DIE IN A HOLE YOU FUCKING SCUM OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! DUMB SLIME!

  • firezombie

    Had this post simply said “you’ll never get laid because then you can’t drink beer”, it would’ve been fine. It’s a reasonable conclusion, since alcohol is a major contributor to getting laid. However, there are many other types of alcohol that don’t have gluten. So it would’ve been wrong, anyway.

    Instead, this post demonstrated colossal ignorance and fallacious reasoning (calling it a ‘fad’ because it’s recent), and proved once more that, if you want solid health info, you’ll need to step outside the manosphere.

    Very quickly, I highly doubt that doctors would go to so much trouble for the gluten-free cause. You have to remember that their dietary reference is the USDA food pyramid, which is like 50% bread. More than likely, they’ll side with you, calling it a fad diet. Honestly, you sound a little paranoid and bitter suggesting otherwise. It’s you against the world, huh?

    And gluten keeps your penis erect? Is this a joke?

    Gluten sensitivity is basically an autoimmune disorder. What happens is that gluten gets into your bloodstream because your shitty diet tore up your intestines and made them leaky. Your immune system goes ‘What the hell is this doing here?’ and starts gearing up for a war against gluten. Why is gluten the culprit? Why not anything else? Well, there are lots of potential allergens or aggravating substances. The reason why gluten is such a common one is because it’s in so much of (junk) food you’ve been eating. That leads to more exposure. Refer to the metal analogy in Aurini’s comment if you’re confused.

    Do most gluten-free proponents know this? No, unfortunately, and this leads to gluten-free looking silly. However, nothing looks sillier than someone shooting their mouth off in opposition of something they have zero knowledge of. Stick to talking about motivation and picking up girls.

  • kfg

    1: ” . . . gluten is basically a protein composite . . . ”
    2: ” . . . gluten is the main ingredient in beer.”
    3: “But most importantly, carbs are a great source of energy.”

    Houston? We have a syllogism problem.

  • Grizzly

    Gluten is not the main ingredient in beer. The main ingredient is starch, which gets converted to sugar.

  • If you truly have a food allergy, then you SHOULD NOT eat that food. It simply doesn’t make sense to eat a food that will cause you inflammation and bodily harm. For example…I’m lactose intolerant and if I drink milk without the lactose removed I’ll spend the majority of my day shitting, and will emit gas so toxic it could kill a mule. If I do drink milk I simply buy a special brand that has the lactose removed. Simple strategy that doesn’t cause a crippling lifestyle change.

    HOWEVER, I believe in your underlying point in that the number of people who are gluten intolerant is probably very low. Most people are looking for a quick fix, and probably self-diagnose themselves. “Ohh I’ve been eating gluten…so that’s why I’m fat” No buddy, it’s not from gluten, it’s from eating 3000 extra calories from Twinkies and Doritos every day. Unless you have an actual medical condition; then eating crazy foods, or following highly restrictive diets are fads and are unnecessary.