Matt Forney
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Category Archives for Sex


The Top Five Reasons Why I Should Bang Your Girlfriend During Spring Break

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. Reason #1: You Don’t Work Out You are too lazy to get to the gym, and your physique is completely grotesque. Your girlfriend will take one look at my body, and with the combination of the sun and strong mixed drinks, the temptation will be just […]

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American Woman, Stay Away from Me

This is a guest post by Fisto. American Women vs. Women Worldwide Every nail, board, brick, piece of carpet, light fixture, wiring, plumbing, and kitchen you see was placed in every building by some man. Every machine that produces something was designed and built by a man. Every vehicle that drives, every plane or jet that flies, […]

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Does Having Money Help You Get Laid?

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. I’ve noticed that when some men are very insecure about their game, they start to go overboard with making money. Don’t get me wrong, increased social status can help you get laid, and it should be encouraged. But to be honest, it really doesn’t mean anything. A cool guy […]

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A Week of Praise: Be Like Zooey Deschanel

I never really understood the cult surrounding Zooey Deschanel, but that might be due to the fact that I’m willfully disconnected from the sewer of pop culture. The only movie I’ve seen of hers is Bridge to Terabithia, which I only watched because a girlfriend of mine recommended it to me (it’s an awful movie, but […]

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A Week of Praise: Womanly Submission and Love

“AAAAAAAGH!” I don’t know how it happened. All I remember was how it felt. As my foot touched down on the ground, my ankle suddenly bent inward like a drink straw. Seized with pain, I lost my footing and rolled down the stairs in a heap. “Jesus, Matt!” “I’m fine, I’m fine… AAAAAAGH!” I tried getting […]

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The Day I Became a Chubby Chaser

This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists. You have the BBW section of YouPorn bookmarked. You can’t shop at Walmart or dine at all-you-can-eat buffets because you’re tired of having to wash pre-cum stains out […]

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There Are Still Good Women in America, But They Are All Rednecks

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. It’s an undisputed fact that Western culture has led to the corruption of women in the United States. The average American woman is now overweight, lazy and attached to her cell phone. (And so are the men.) But I don’t believe that all American women have been corrupted. There are still plenty of good women, but […]

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If She Doesn’t Text You Back Immediately, Her Hands Are Busy

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. There is no excuse for a woman to ignore your text, especially if she is into you. If a woman really likes you, you will receive a text message response in lightning quick 5G speed. There are only several legitimate excuses why a woman doesn’t text you […]

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Women Only Say You Have a Small Penis After You Stop Calling Them Back

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. I never realized that I had a small penis until 1996, during my junior year of High School. Although I had urinated on my testicles several times after waking up in my parents’ freezing basement, I never really thought anything of it. During my junior year […]

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The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports (and it’s Not the Kentucky Derby)

This is a guest post by the Captain Power. On Thursday night at exactly 11:58 pm, over 100,000 college-aged men across the United States will start to chug alcohol as quickly as they can before the midnight all you can drink special runs out. These last two minutes can be the deciding factor between who gets laid and who stays up […]

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