Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

My Country ‘Tis of Thee, Sweet Land of Liberty

Today is the Fourth of July, and what a glorious day it is! Over 230 years ago on this day, my ancestors declared independence from the tyranny of the British Empire and their evil king. I will give thanks to the Founding Fathers for the freedoms that their courageous actions have bequeathed to me.

Thanks to the American Revolution, I have the freedom to be spied on at all times by the NSA. It would surely comfort all the Patriots who died at Saratoga to know that two centuries into the future, an all-powerful, unaccountable government agency would be intruding on the privacy of every American hooked up to the Internet, reading their emails, texts and private Facebook messages. If that didn’t make you glad to be an American, the fact that the Postal Service is photocopying the names and addresses of everyone you’ve ever exchanged mail with will. It makes me proud to know that the next time I board a plane, TSA flunkies will tear apart my luggage and forcibly pat down my body in search of weapons that don’t exist.

After all, I could be a terrorist, and we can never forget 9/11.

Thanks to the American Revolution, I have the freedom to have my driver’s license seized if I forget to return a library book on time. It just tickles my funny bone knowing that if the president doesn’t like me, he can order the Army to gun me down with a drone without so much as a show trial. When James Madison compiled the Bill of Rights, he obviously envisioned a future in which cops can beat suspected criminals to death or murder peoples’ dogs in “self-defense.”

Freedom isn’t free, after all.

Thanks to the American Revolution, I have the freedom to pull myself up by my bootstraps and become successful. Clearly, when Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, he intended to create an economy sustained by minimum wage fast food jobs. I’m so happy that despite having gone to college, half of my generation’s only career prospects consist of getting promoted to assistant manager at Walmart. And it warms the cockles of my heart to know that we’ll have to compete against 70 IQ illiterate mestizo peasants for even those jobs.

“Should’ve worked harder,” say our Boomer parents as they fly down to their Florida vacation homes, excitedly fondling their AARP discount cards.

Thanks to the American Revolution, I have the right to bear arms. Except of course in my home state of New York, where I can only bear the arms that Sonny Cuomo allows me to bear, and then only after an extensive, invasive background check. After all, we must never forget Sandy Hook (even though the guns used in that massacre were stolen, not bought, and it happened in a completely different state), and it’s not like I need to own a high-powered assault rifle anyway. Far more people are killed by black or Latino gangbangers than by white spree shooters, so it’s clear that we should orient our gun policy around the latter.

It’s clear that more stringent gun laws will prevent gun violence, just like how Prohibition ended drinking.

Speaking of Prohibition, I’m so thankful that the American Revolution paved the way for the War on Drugs. It makes me sleep so much better at night knowing that skinny white college kids can get tossed into pound-me-in-the-ass prison for the crime of smoking a joint. It makes my chest swell with patriotic fervor knowing that my doctor won’t prescribe me Vicodin unless I’m bleeding my guts out onto the hospital floor, because I might get “addicted.” Only Cindy McCain, Rush Limbaugh, Paris Hilton and the other beautiful people should have the privilege of using a drug that feels good, has almost no side effects and is virtually impossible to overdose on.

Clearly, the unalienable right of all men to pursue happiness isn’t so self-evident after all.

Thanks to the American Revolution, I’m free from taxation without representation. 40 to 50 percent of my income is taxed away so that Diamesha can buy juice boxes for her six bastard kids and fat white civil servants can be paid $70,000 a year to play Farmville all day. But that’s okay, because every other year, I can vote for new politicians who may or may not lower this onerous tax burden!

Taxation with representation is so awesome.

Speaking of voting, I’m grateful to the American Revolution for letting me decide who gets to govern me. If it seems like that things stay the same whether the Democrats or Republicans are in control, it’s all in my head. And the idea that the government is importing millions of foreigners to ensure that they’ll never be voted out of power? That’s just racist fearmongering. After all, we need those immigrants to do the jobs that Americans won’t do.

Clearly, this is what all those men at Valley Forge suffered for.

And finally, thanks to the American Revolution, I have freedom of speech. That is, unless a sufficient number of people don’t like what I’m saying. Then they can hound my employer, stalk my family, and try to get the FBI to arrest me. That’s all perfectly kosher, because the First Amendment only protects me from government coercion. Private entities, on the other hand, are free to lynch anyone who rustles their jimmies.

If he were alive today, George Washington would shed a tear at how well we’ve carried out his intentions.

Boy, I’m so thankful for the American Revolution. Who knows what kind of wretched world we’d live in had our ancestors not fought to free us from the English crown? I’m going to go celebrate my freedom by blowing off some fireworks tonight. Unfortunately, since fireworks are illegal in New York state, I’ll have to drive all the way to Pennsylvania to get them, then pray I don’t get stopped on the way back by a state trooper eager to meet his weekly ticket quota.

God bless America! Land of the free, home of the brave!

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