Matt Forney
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How to Date a Fat Girl

This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists.

While most swine are happy to go for a roll in the mud, you occasionally get the one shy pig who doesn’t want to play. When this happens, your goal is to make her play by enticing her to the sty with a big ol’ pile of slop.

I must stress that the only way to get a reluctant fat girl to lick your flesh-pickle is to cook for her at your place. Dinner dates, movie dates, any other kind of date is a huge no-no. Chubby chasing is not a game for the lazy or timid.

The reason why you can’t simply take a BBW to dinner is because… do I really need to explain it, boy? Fat girls didn’t get fat from swallowing air. By the time you’ve met her, she’s already eaten at every restaurant in town, hoovered the crumbs off the floor and screamed for seconds. Additionally, the long wait times at many “real” restaurants can lead to some… unpleasantness when your girl’s stomach starts rumbling. I’ve had countless orcas start bawling, crying and gnawing the tables because a lazy-ass Denny’s waiter couldn’t bring her her Grand Slam on time.

As for dates that don’t involve eating, they’re a waste of time. And nature hikes or anything that involves physical exertion… why don’t you just tattoo a barcode on her arm, you fucking Nazi? Point being, fat chicks aren’t easy to impress. You need to go above and beyond if you want to get into her 4XL granny panties.

Fortunately, impressing a BBW with your culinary chops is easy. Once you’ve gotten her to come over to your house, I’ve got the perfect recipe that will satisfy her stomach and open her canyon-esque loins for you. It’s Matt Forney’s Ladykiller Macaroni Salad! Here are the ingredients:

  • 1 14-ounce can of sweetened condensed milk
  • 1 cup of white sugar
  • 1 cup of white vinegar
  • 1 16-ounce jar of mayonnaise
  • 1 pound of elbow macaroni
  • 1 green pepper
  • 3 celery stalks
  • 1 large onion
  • 2 cups of shredded carrots
  • Salt
  • Pepper

And here are the instructions:

  1. Cook the macaroni until soft, then drain.
  2. While the macaroni is boiling, dice the peppers, celery and onion.
  3. Combine the milk, sugar, vinegar and mayo in a bowl.
  4. Add the macaroni into the bowl and mix well.
  5. After mixing, add the peppers, celery and onion. Mix once more.
  6. Finally, add the carrots and mix one last time.

There are so many great things about the Ladykiller Macaroni Salad. The most obvious is that it’s a huge, fattening, 3,000 plus calorie bomb. All that sugar and lard will tickle any fat girl’s sweet tooth and put them under at the time. Pair it with some malt liquor (fat girls need extra-concentrated doses of alcohol to get them drunk) for that additional kick of poor decision-making.

The other advantage of the Macaroni Salad is that you can make it relatively quickly. Cooking the macaroni is the only time-intensive part of the meal; everything else can be put together in less than ten minutes. Considering how cranky some big gals can get when their food isn’t delivered on time, this is a good thing if you don’t want a fat chick gnawing on your couch cushions. Tip: keep some Snickers or Milky Way bars around for your girl while you cook. Bitches love sweets.

Anyway, once you’ve gotten the Ladykiller Macaroni Salad together, serve your BBW at the dinner table. If she doesn’t want you to fuck her right then and there (a bad idea unless you want to have to buy a new dinner table and mop macaroni salad off your floor), she will once the high fructose corn syrup starts surging through her intestines. Kiss her a few times to seal the deal.

If for some reason the Ladykiller fails to work, dump the bitch. Seriously, with the sea of seacows that America has become, why in the holy exalted name of Paula Deen would you waste time with a bloated ice queen? There’s literally an ocean of blubber for you to dive into; no reason to bother trying to wiggle into the thong of one who won’t put out straight away.

Either way, now that your BBW is stuffed like a turkey, it’s time for you to stuff her with your cock. Proceed to the next chapter.

P.S. If you’re ready to start meeting BBWs now, click here.

Read Next: The Archetypal Dinner Date by the Chef in Jeans