Matt Forney
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Favorite Gym Characters: Bakken Oil Field Edition

NOTE: This article was originally published at Bronan the Barbarian! on October 12, 2012. I’m re-posting it here as the site is now defunct.

Greetings from the heady hinterlands of North Dakota, where jobs are plentiful but housing is scarce. That means a lot of folks signing up for gym memberships solely so they can cleanse their filthy carcasses in the locker room. Should you ever find yourself in the Bakken, here’s my handy guide to the kinds of weirdos you can expect after a hard afternoon’s lifting.

gymThe Elderly Nudists — Step right up and take a look at these three sexagenarians lounging around in their birthday suits! Watch how they show off their shriveled beef jerky dicks without an ounce of shame! Marvel at how they casually talk about their days oblivious to the disgusted gym-goers around them! Then recoil in horror when you realize you have to stand in line behind their oatmeal-like asses to use the showers!

gymJack-O — This certified sex addict has mastered the art of pleasuring himself in public without being caught… except for the part where you’re supposed to be quiet. Jack-O’s moans of orgasmic ecstasy echo through the shower room like the shrieks of the damned, culminating when he pops like a champagne bottle. When not masturbating, Jack-O can be found down at Job Service North Dakota nervously fretting about whether this “one bullshit conviction” of his that “happened years ago” will impact his ability to get a job.

gymThe Working Wino — The Wino can wash his ass all day, but he’ll never get clean. This barely functional alcoholic always stinks of Jack Daniels and stale urine, despite the fact that he owns a car and has a full-time job. Known for pounding on occupied shower stall doors screaming “HURRY THE FUCK UP!” because he needs to get back to his camper and pre-game, even though it’s only Wednesday. Swing by the city park before dawn and you might catch a glimpse of the Wino in his natural environment: relieving himself in a bush.

gymBudding Bitch Receptionist — This comely teen girl was once sweet, feminine and pleasant; perfect wife material. Then the oil boom came and she started having to deal with dirtbags hitting her with “Hey baby, you got a man?” game all day. Now she wields an industrial strength bitch shield and has a concealed carry permit. Recently petitioned the manager to add a zero-tolerance policy for sexual harassment to the club contract. Future Jizzabeller.

Stay tuned for future installments of “Favorite Gym Characters: Bakken Oil Field Edition,” provided I don’t get lynched by a mob of angry drunks before then.

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