Matt Forney
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Five Reasons Why You Should Not Beat Your Girlfriend or Wife

Unless you’re a virgin, you’ve probably had to deal with a defiant girl in your life. When your girlfriend or wife burns your grilled cheese sandwich for the hundredth time, you might be tempted to cold cock her for her incompetence. While you’d certainly be right to punish her for not doing her job properly, punching or kicking your girl is a bad idea. Here’s why…

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1. It makes her less attractive.

If you’re like most men, you’re with your girl because you think she’s hot. Uppercuts, drop kicks and karate chops leave behind cuts, welts and the occasional broken bone. Unless you find black eyes and smashed teeth sexy, you’ll have difficulty getting an erection after you’ve given your girl a good working over.

Hypothetical reversal: If you have a spare phone book, you can place it over her stomach so your fists don’t leave any marks. But who has a phone book these days?

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2. It keeps her from performing her womanly duties.

In order for your girl to cook, clean and please you sexually, she needs to be in top physical condition. If you injure her while slapping her around, she won’t be able to serve you as well. For example, it’s difficult for a girl to make you a sandwich when her arm is in a sling, or for her to go down on you with a broken jaw. By sending her to the hospital every time she folds your underwear the wrong way, you make it more difficult for her to get it right in the future.

Hypothetical reversal: If you have a large penis, dislocating your girl’s jaw might lead to a more pleasurable blowjob.

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3. It’s time-consuming.

Because men are physically stronger on average than women, virtually every man has the ability to beat the stuffing out of his girl if he wants. Even still, disciplining a girl takes effort. Depending on how much your girl has irritated you, you may have to spend hours chasing her around the house with a belt. That’s time you could be using to do something more productive, like playing video games or alphabetizing your Joni Mitchell albums.

Hypothetical reversal: Your life is so dull that smacking your girl around is the highlight of your day.

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4. You can hurt yourself while beating her.

While physically assaulting a girl is something almost every man can do, you run the risk of injuring yourself in the process. She may be a frail little female, but her bones are still hard and her nails are still sharp. You also might accidentally get some of her blood on your nice clothes.

Hypothetical reversal: Beat your girlfriend in the nude.

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5. You might go to prison.

If you’re caught beating your girl, you can be arrested and thrown in prison for years. This will seriously impede your ability to make money, drink quality craft brews, and hook up with sluts. Additionally, other prisoners might decide to relieve their sexual tension by using your rectum as a Fleshlight. Many states have “must-arrest” laws when it comes to domestic violence calls, meaning that it’s almost certain that you will be hauled away.

Hypothetical reversal: If your girl loves you enough, she might drop the charges.

As much as some girls really deserve a slap across the face, giving her a shiner is not a good idea. I hope this article helped explain why inflicting short-term pain on your girl may result in long-term pain for you. So long as you don’t confuse punching and kicking with spanking your girlfriend to discipline her and show her her place, you’ll be fine.

Read Next: How to Beat Your Girlfriend or Wife and Get Away with It