Matt Forney
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A Glossary of Leftist and Feminist Terminology

In the tradition of Samuel Johnson and L.A. Rollins, I’ve compiled this satirical list of leftist/feminist terms and neologisms. Enjoy, and feel free to offer up suggestions for more in the comments.

1950’s, n. A horrifying epoch of American history, when most children grew up in intact homes, crime was low, the economy was booming and happiness was at all-time highs.

Beauty, n. In the eye of the beholder, except in the case of misogynists and sexists, who are all ugly, fat and short.

Body-shaming, v. Any attempt to remind unhealthy people that they are living an unhealthy lifestyle.

Buzzfeed, n. A charitable organization that helps immigrants learn English by relaying news stories in bullet-point lists consisting of simple, brief sentences and animated GIFs.

Career-focused, adj. Choosing to submit yourself to a faceless corporation that will kick you out the door as soon as it no longer has any use for you, instead of submitting to a husband who will love you until death do you part.

Censorship, n. Something that only governments can carry out. Private citizens aligned with the government mobbing together aren’t engaging in censorship, any more than private citizens lynching black men in the Jim Crow South were carrying out the will of state governments.

Christian, n. A horrible monster from the flyover states who enslaves women and really harshes on your buzz.

Cisgender, adj. A normal person.

Creepy, v. Something that only men can be.

Crying, v. A perfectly reasonable response to something you read on the Internet that upsets you.

Douchebag, n. A man with a functioning pair of testicles. See also: bro, dudebro.

Evolution, n. A process that stops at the neck, except of course in the case of white conservatives.

Fat acceptance, n. The belief that slovenly, deformed and disgusting women have the right to relationships with tall, handsome and fit men.

Feminism, n. The idea that a woman who has a degree in a fluff subject and a useless makework job is empowered, but a woman who can cook and clean for herself is oppressed.

Generalization, n. Something you should never do, because all people are unique and the existence of a single exception to any rule disproves the rule. See also: stereotype.

Government, n. The solution to all your problems.

Gun control, n. The idea that a social problem that has only been around for the past thirty years—spree shootings—can be solved by revoking a right that Americans have had for over two hundred years.

Heteronormative, adj. The idea that humans should not be judged by the standards of heterosexuality, even though 98 percent of all the humans who have ever lived were straight.

HIV, n. A virus that anyone can contract, even those who aren’t homosexual or don’t use intravenous drugs.

Human biodiversity, n. Racist junk science, as proven by Tim Wise and ethnic studies professors.

Immigrant, n. Someone who will do the jobs that Americans won’t do, coincidentally at low wages that Americans can’t afford to work for.

Intersectionality, n. When you and your friends get into a slap-fight to determine who has been the most violently oppressed.

Insecure, adj. What you should accuse your opponents of being, preferably while taking your Zoloft.

I.Q., n. Arbitrary and Eurocentric measure of intelligence, completely useless except when used to prove how dumb conservative whites are.

Jezebel, n. An online magazine that exists to empower women suffering in a sexist world. Owned and managed by Nick Denton, a homosexual man.

Marijuana, n. A completely harmless, non-addictive drug that should be legal despite the facts that it causes brain damage, stunts physical growth and increases the risk of schizophrenia.

Misogynist, n. A man whom feminists desperately want to have sex with.

Misogyny, n. Anything that mildly upsets a woman’s feeeeeelings. See also: sexism.

Patriarchy, n. A secret Illuminati-like organization that controls the world for the primary purpose of keeping women down. The complete lack of evidence of its existence is only proof of its nefarious intent.

Polyamory, n. A lifestyle that allows ugly women to cheat on their husbands/boyfriends without feeling guilty.

Poor people, n. A class that you should support, unless they happen to be white, live in the country and go to church every Sunday.

Pussy Riot, n. A group of Russian sexual deviants who served a jail sentence for trespassing, which is illegal in every country in the world. Mysteriously continue to exist despite having no support—monetary or otherwise—from any actual Russians.

Racial profiling, n. The bigoted, regressive idea that racial groups that commit disproportionate amounts of crime should be disproportionately monitored.

Rape, v. A nebulous concept that includes everything from forcible penetration to looking at a pretty girl on the subway for a second too long. The worst crime imaginable and the only one that should be punishable by death.

Rape culture, n. The belief that American culture somehow encourages rape despite all evidence to the contrary.

Signal boost, n. Having all your friends whine about something at the exact same time in the hope that someone, somewhere will do something about it.

Slavery, n. A horrible, unforgivable crime that all white Americans must eternally atone for, despite the fact that it was only practiced by a small percentage of whites in a handful of states over 150 years ago.

Slut, n. A woman who takes pride in her hamper full of jizz-stained panties and menagerie of exotic venereal diseases.

Suicide, v. Something that you take Xanax in order to keep yourself from committing. Also something you urge your opponents to do because you don’t have the guts to hurt anyone yourself.

Transphobe, n. A woman who is uncomfortable with sharing public restrooms with hormonal drag queens.

Transman, n. A woman who labors under the delusion that getting a plastic penis implant and testosterone shots will make her a man, despite her surplus X chromosome and feminine brain structure and physique.

Transwoman, n. A man who labors under the delusion that being castrated and getting estrogen shots will make him a woman, despite his Y chromosome and masculine brain structure and physique.

Trigger warning, n. An advisory to make sure that Strong, Independent Women™ don’t accidentally read anything that might give them the vapors.

Twerking, v. One of black America’s greatest contributions to the world, on par with jazz and Donald Goines. Its appropriation by Miley Cyrus marked yet another example of how whites are keeping the black man down.

Wage gap, n. The idea that an HR monkey deserves to be paid as much as a roustabout.

Read Next: “Girl Tries to Rape Me So I Rape Her”: July Search Terms