Matt Forney
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The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports (and it’s Not the Kentucky Derby)

This is a guest post by the Captain Power.

On Thursday night at exactly 11:58 pm, over 100,000 college-aged men across the United States will start to chug alcohol as quickly as they can before the midnight all you can drink special runs out. These last two minutes can be the deciding factor between who gets laid and who stays up all night in the dormitory playing video games and smoking weed.

I was invited to a surprise birthday party this weekend, and the bar had a $40 all you can drink special until 10pm. At around 9:30, a couple of my friends from college took a look at our watches and collectively screamed out “Oh shit, we only have 30 minutes left!” We then proceeded to chug beer like our lives depended on it.

In college, this was a weekly occurrence for us.

Almost every decent college town has a bar that offers an all you can drink special, and when I attended the University of Albany, SUNY, my favorite bar was Paulie’s on Central Ave. Paulie’s is an old fashioned bar with a small dance floor in the back and it was famous for it’s Thursday night $10 all you can drink special from ten to midnight. The students would drink so much beer at Paulie’s that the men’s room would squeeze four people into a single stall at a time. One person would piss in the urinal, one would piss in the toilet, one pissed in the sink, and another one pissed in the garbage can.

I used to roll into Paulie’s every Thursday night around 10:30 pm, and I would start chugging beer until the special ran out at midnight. At first the pace would start pretty slow. I would take my time and start looking at some of the beautiful co-eds that I was too scared to talk to. But as the clock started ticking, the pace of drinking would increase until the final two minutes of happy hour. At 11:58 pm, the place would explode into a complete frenzy. My friends would bum rush the bartender to order four cups of beer each, which we would inhale faster than we could drink a bottle of water.

One particular night I set my own personal record of nineteen plastic cups of Busch Light, and I was starting to grow a huge pair of “beer balls.” Unfortunately, our budgets were so small that we were only able to afford one extra beer at regular price after happy hour ended, so after nineteen cups of beer I purchased one extra cup of Labatt’s Blue and proceeded to hit the dance floor to caveman grind.

On this particular night I was feeling extremely confident, and while dancing to Notoroius B.I.G. I started kissing a cute Irish girl from upstate New York. At 1:30 we took a cab ride back to her dormitory, and that night I got laid for the second time in my life. Although I am not hung like Seabiscuit, that next morning I felt like a total stallion.

My advice to all college students: drink beer, grow some balls, and you too will get laid.

The Captain Power blogs at Captain Power’s Underground Training Site.

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