Matt Forney
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love

What is the Nature of Love?

This is a guest post by Kid Strangelove. Kid originally published this article at his own blog on January 28, 2014, but he deleted the site a while ago so he could focus on other projects. He asked me if I’d be willing to re-post some of his articles on my blog and I said yes.

Ok, now that I got that out of the way, I’d like to share with you some thoughts I’ve been having recently. It all started when I was browsing the r/bestof/ subreddit and a comment to a picture stood out.

Here is the picture.

love

The comment that got the most attention (and r/bestof mention) was:

The answer, which I’m sure you’ve heard before, is because you don’t love yourself. Any external validation causes you to feel worthwhile. Relationships don’t validate you, you validate you. Relationships are a challenge to enrich an already stable life.

There were some debates about the nature and meaning of the comment in a few subreddits, but one word stuck with me the most: validation.

Validation, validation, validation, validation: it swirled in my head. Just how much is the concept of love really about validation?

Flash back to around Christmas. I’m on a date with a girl who’s pretty cute. She’s giving me the usual talks about the usual subjects. Honestly, I’m getting a little bit bored. The date managed to pick up solely because it was my best friend’s birthday, and he and his wife hit me up and wanted to hang out.

I’ll give my friend credit: he winged hard. The girl I was with was feeling it. Within hours, I was inside her giant apartment; then I was inside her minutes after that. She had maybe two drinks and passed the rest to me, and I had way more due to my friend’s birthday. I was drunk off my ass and still managed to have sex with a semi-erection. Needless to say, the night didn’t lead anywhere after.

At least this night ended up a bit more fun than my previous date. Cute girl, drinks, talking, fun venue, boring, boring, boring, and then my friend had an emergency.

Why the fuck was I so bored? I know it had to be something wrong with me. These girls were really pretty, the kind of girls I would kill for years earlier. But something about them just wasn’t doing it for me… at all.

Around the same time, I had drunk five-hour gaming sessions with friends, went to several NHL games with my family, turned my CrossFit hobby into a complete health overhaul, coded and was happy, entertained, and fulfilled.

I didn’t care if I fucked ten girls that week or zero. It simply didn’t register anymore. Have I reached the level of indifference that people say is a sign of game mastery? Eh…

Validation, validation, validation. It all made sense.

Think back to your original social programming: study, go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids. There it is: validation. We grew up thinking that if we did the right things, a woman would come along and tell us we did the right things by dating us. And yes, that’s very objectifying towards women.

But when we grew up, said and did all the right things, and the women didn’t come, our brains started to explode. Some of us wanted to learn game so we could meet women and get that validation we so desperately desired. Some of us realized that the system is pretty shitty when there is no female validation present and decided to drop out. Let’s face it: paper-pushing careers suck. They aren’t interesting, but you do what you gotta do to provide for your family. But when you don’t have a family, you don’t have an incentive to work a shitty job. Validation.

And here we are, attracted to attention and approval: Facebook and Instagram likes, re-Tweets, +1’s, Reddit karma. Validation. When we get validation, we get a high; when we’re deprived of it, we reach a low.

Hey bodybuilder, what are you in the gym for? Do you have any intention of ever competing? Oh, you’re doing this for better health? Sure, I believe you, bodybuilder. Men have somehow been healthy for thousands of years without six-pack abs, giant biceps, and cartoonish pecs.

love

Look at the guy above. I bet you he is extremely unhealthy. What a fuckup. He’ll never have a girlfriend.

You get the picture. Most of us live for human validation; we chase it. We roll it up and smoke it. God, that high is so good. Fuck, that low is so bad.

But what happens when the need for validation disappears? What happens when you are perfectly happy with your life, even if you have detractors? What does love become?

I don’t know the answer to this question. I don’t know if my own hypothesis makes sense. On the one hand, I go on these lame and boring dates with these really pretty girls. On the other hand, I’m still communicating with a girl I met and hooked up with one week before she had to go back home halfway across the world. She seemed enamored with me and it seemed like I could do no wrong in her eyes.

Maybe I was in need of a stronger dose of validation.

Read Next: The Key Logger: A Forbidden Glimpse Into the True Nature of Women by Nicholas Jack

  • ng85

    I’m so pissed I missed Kid Strangelove’s old blog, because these posts ring so true to me. I’ve found that when I’m at my most girl-crazy it’s when I have the least amount of stuff going on in my life. And nothing turns a girl off like being too available.

    I also have a theory that people really aren’t meant to be casually dating into their 30s, and we’re probably meant to pair bond and have offspring as early as possible. I just turned 30, and I’ve become so busy in my life that I really don’t have much time to date without sacrificing work hours (I freelance), the gym, podcasts I do, time with friends, etc. Had I been married at 22 to my first really serious girlfriend I’d imagine this lifestyle would work. But it’s tough when you’re 30 and have a busy life and you’re trying to coordinate things with a girl around that age who also has a busy life, because being older brings more responsibilities.

    However, being really busy has helped me secure more dates. I don’t get out much so I use dating apps, and I’ve found saying “I’m free Tuesday or Thursday” works better than asking the girl when she’s free. I’m assuming that the guy telling set times when he’s free is a compliance test – If she’s willing to adjust her schedule to fit yours then she’s into you, but if she can’t then it’s time to next her until she makes the next move.

  • Using the same logic a crossfitter also looks for “VALIDATION” same as a bodybuilder. I agree with what he said here but that comment is very stupid. Lifting and building one’s body is simply a passion for some – we’re simply happy when we get swole – to be honest lifting has many benefits that I could care less about – as long as I lift and get swole I don;t care about anything else http://aboutlifting.com/benefits/
    same as a crossfitter I guess – maybe we can tell that he’s seeking validation for doing all those shitty exercises that are really just functional for crossfit as well.
    Leave exercise and sports out of this validation theory – humans are really designed to become active.