Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

No Head Please, I’m Female

NOTE: Nearly a year ago, I ran a blog named Virginia’s Secret Garden for the purpose of making fun of “red pill women” and their beta orbiters in the manosphere. I wrote under the nom-de-plume of “Virginia Robinson,” a happy submissive Christian housewife living in the Midwest… who blogged about her sex life in nauseating detail. You can read more about the hoax here.

Because I’m no longer updating the site, I’ve decided to let the domain VirginiasSecretGarden.com expire. Here is one of the articles I wrote for the blog, originally published on January 24, 2014.

Confession time: I don’t like getting cunnilingus.

It’s not that my husband is bad at it: he’s had plenty of practice, both before and after he met me. But there’s something about the act of eating pussy that leaves me cold.

Whenever my husband goes down on me, I just get frustrated and I end up asking him to stop. He knows how to hit all the right buttons, from massaging my clit with his tongue to fingering my pussy, but nothing he does can get me off. It feels unnatural somehow. My husband used to think my inability to enjoy cunnilingus was his fault, but he’s never had problems making me orgasm from regular sex.

It took me ages to figure out what was wrong: cunnilingus is unnatural for women.

cunnilingus

When we ladies fantasize, what do we typically dream of? Penises! When it comes to jilling off, we buy fake, plastic vibrating phalluses, not tongues. Getting filled up and getting eaten out are two entirely different sensations. Compare to when guys get blowjobs; realistically, a mouth isn’t that much different from a vagina. They’re both dark, damp orifices that they can thrust into.

Not only that, I’ve come to believe that going down on a girl upsets the natural order of masculine dominance. Going down on a man is an act of submission; you’re letting him stick his genitals in your mouth, for crying out loud! Not only that, when a man lets you suck him off, it’s a gesture of trust, him telling you that he knows you’ll take good care of his most sensitive bits. It’s this dynamic that makes blowjobs hot in and of themselves.

When a man goes down on a woman, the dynamic is flipped: he’s the submissive one and you’re the one he’s desperate to please. It’s a complete perversion of the natural order. As much as a man as my husband is, I can’t respect him when he’s dragging his tongue across my nether regions, trying to find the specific combination of figure-eights and finger-thrusts to make me climax.

I might just be a freak about this, but I think any woman who excessively enjoys cunnilingus is a lesbian or has lesbian tendencies. Feminists promote eating pussy because they desperately want to be men and are jealous of the pleasure men get from oral sex, haha. I think it’s time we ladies admitted this.

In the meantime, I’ll keep getting my orgasms the old-fashioned way.

Read Next: The Inevitability of Female Submission