Matt Forney
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Ordinary Internet People: I Hate ‘Em

I was going to run this article next week, but in honor of Paul Elam and the PMSing little girls at A Voice for Men, I’ve pushed it up a few days.

The idiots are self-regarding consumer slaves, oblivious to the paradox of their uniform individuality. They sculpt their hair to casual perfection; they wear their waistbands below their balls. They babble into handheld twit machines about that e-mail about a woman being bombed by a wolf. Their cool friend made it. He’s an idiot, too.

Welcome to the Age of Stupidity. Hail the rise of the idiot.

Chris Morris, Nathan Barley

Dear Internet People,

I hate you.

I really do.

If all of you were herded onto a rocket and shot into space, the mean national IQ would rise by ten points, and this country’s problems would be halfway to being solved.

You think you’re so important, leaving five paragraph-long comments on Reddit and Tweeting Instagram photos of your bowel movements. You think your opinions on gay marriage and abortion are original, well-thought out and worth contributing. You believe you’re a unique individual whose insight is an asset to the world.

You are the cancer that is killing America.

Here are three reasons why you Internet People are ruining society.

1. You think you matter.

You Internet People can’t simply express your malformed, retarded opinions and leave it at that. Oh no, you have to pretend you’re on some great crusade, each blog comment a salvo in a war going on in the recesses of your imagination.

In the real world, that kind of behavior is called a Napoleon complex. On the Internet, it’s standard operating procedure.

Take the “MRAs.” The “A” stands for “activist,” yet the overwhelming majority of self-styled MRAs write under pen names and do absolutely nothing to further the cause beyond whining on blogs and forums.

But hey, who cares about actual work? We’re all equal! We’re all activists!

Calling what most MRAs do “activism” is like calling masturbation sexual intercourse. Actually it’s worse, because at least chronic masturbators have something to show for all their hard work. That “A” might as well stand for “autoeroticist.” Don’t forget your Ben Wa balls!

But MRAs are far from the worst offenders. If you want to kill some brain cells and you don’t have any Arkansas moonshine handy, maunder on over to Daily Kos, Townhall or any mainstream political site. I made the mistake of looking at the former on the night of the Wisconsin recall election. Two minutes of browsing the comments and my commitment to never voting in an election again was renewed. What really pissed me off was seeing all the anonymous clods referring to “we.” For example: “If so-and-so wins this race, we’ll be in control of the State Senate.”

Sound familiar? Sports fans also talk like this, injecting themselves as “we” whenever they talk about their favorite teams. “Yeah, we really whipped the Red Sox last night.”

Uh, excuse me? There’s no “we” here, you fucking loser.

That ballgame was won by Derek Jeter and A-Rod. You didn’t do jack aside from sit in the bleachers chugging a Bud Light and nursing your basketball-sized beer gut. Same with the Daily Kos ‘tards. Unless you work for the Wisconsin Democrats, paid or volunteer, you don’t have the right to refer to yourself as “we.”

You’re just another jerkoff in the peanut gallery, living vicariously through people who are smarter and more driven than you.

There are people on the Internet who are starting revolutions and blazing trails. But here’s the catch: they’re not leaving book-length comments on A Voice for Men or HuffPo. They’re out in the real world, hitting on girls at bars, working out at the gym, visiting faraway lands and writing actual books. For someone with a purpose in life, technology is a means for accomplishing their goals. For Internet People, technology is an end, a never-ending orgy of melancholy self-love disguised as actual achievement.

It’s soggy biscuit with the written word.

2. You can’t talk.

I’m not some ivory tower pedant writing down lists of “banned” words. I recognize that language is always evolving and changing. But has anyone ever wondered why being a poor communicator is acceptable on the Internet? Contractions and slang like “LOL,” “LMAO,” “ur,” and an avalanche of annoying smilies pervade websites, because apparently typing out how you feel just takes too much effort.

Only on the Internet is this linguistic laziness allowed. When I was a seventh grader, my history teacher marked me down for repeatedly abbreviating “Democratic-Republican” in an in-class essay on the presidential election of 1800. If you used Internet abbreviations in actual person-to-person speech, people would ring the local sanitariums to see if they were missing a crazy. But for some reason, when we’re in front of a computer, it’s perfectly apropos to bury people in an avalanche of three-letter acronyms: “PUA,” “MRA,” “HBD,” “MGTOW,” “BUTTFUCK.”

A third-grader picking his nose on the playground has a superior grasp of the English language than the average Internet Person.

This extends far beyond acronyms into the realm of speech itself. You Internet People have concocted your own little pidgin language of chirps and screeches that makes absolutely no sense in the real world. Take this rant against the dearly departed Ferdinand Bardamu as an example of how Internet People can’t communicate properly on the most basic levels:

On the one hand, we have the convenient lie: “I’m going out of the country”. Uh, FerBard, last I checked, the internet works in other countries too…  Dumbshit.

“FerBard,” a taunt only an Internet dork could love. It’d be one thing if the guy was trying to maintain decorum, but he then proceeded to call Ferd a “jackass,” a “dumbshit” and a “chickenshit” in the span of four paragraphs. There are a half-dozen ways you could maim “Ferdinand Bardamu,” “Turdinand” being the most obvious one and my favorite. Only a nerdy shut-in could even remotely find “FerBard” witty or funny.

That’s who Internet People are: nerdy shut-ins incapable of functioning in the real world.

And from there, I bounce into reason number three why Internet People are the scum of the earth…

3. You think we exist to cater to your every need.

You Internet People imagine yourselves to be masters of debate and logic. Which is why whenever we (by that I mean writers with actual talent who have real lives) don’t immediately respond to the puddles of vomit you retch forth onto our blogs and articles, you assume we’ve been “pwned” or are “afraid of debate.”

Astute observation, Einstein.

We couldn’t be at work, or having sex, or hanging out with our friends, or pounding nails through our dicks, or doing any number of things that are more enjoyable and productive than re-phrasing our arguments for the benefit of every anonymous idiot afflicted with Someone-on-the-Internet-is-wrongitis.

Nope, we aren’t responding to you because we’re ashamed at being pwned.

That’s the problem with you Internet People. You think posting drive-by comments under a clever handle is “honest debate.” You’re the online equivalent of hecklers in the cheap seats. You disrupt people because you don’t have anything better to do.

I’m not here to help you occupy your time.

I don’t have to respond to any comment made on my blog or my articles at other websites. I try to respond to all comments on my blog, but since the only people commenting here so far are smart and respectful, I’m willing to take the time to converse with them. I imagine I’ll have to quit this habit when my blog gets more popular. When it comes to articles I write for other sites, I have a 24-hour cutoff; I stop reading the comments 24 hours after the article is published and I stop making replies.

If you want validation from someone else, get a girlfriend. Get a puppy. Get a life. Just don’t comment on my stuff.

This won’t deter the Internet People. Like zombies, you’re brainless and resistant to bullets. Just know that we the normals are sick of you.


Matt Forney

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