Matt Forney
Spread the Word!

You Talk Like a Retard

What is it about the Internet that makes people talk like autistic parrots?

I was the guy who claimed that 2013 would be the Year the Manosphere Broke, but even then, I wasn’t willing to turn my back on the whole thing. Until now. You can tell when a culture has passed its apogee when it’s invaded by dweebazoids who can’t express an idea without using some private language of chirps and caws that is incomprehensible to the outside observer. We made fun of the seduction community for inventing a dorky argot of “HB8s,” “neg hits” and “DHVs,” only to let people in who made up an equally retarded language of their own.

It’s a good goddamn thing I was around before the manosphere even existed, because if I came across it today, I’d be like “Who the fuck ARE these weirdos?”

Here are some phrases and terms that you losers need to stop using.

1. Hypergamy.

This is the godfather of them all. A clinical term that F. Roger Devlin used for a series of scholarly essays has become a rallying cry for every permavirgin in America. “Women are amoral hypergamous sluts! Poor me!”

You wonder whether these “men” have ever left the house in their entire lives.

Here’s the layman’s definition of hypergamy: women like guys who have something going on. Cool guys. Rich guys. Handsome guys. Charismatic guys. That’s it. If you have two functioning eyes and an IQ higher than room temperature, you should be able to observe this on your own. Why do loser guitarists in crappy local bands have groupies? Why do dutiful high-IQ cubicle nerds have trouble getting a date? Because the former has something going on and the latter doesn’t. There’s absolutely no reason to use spergtalk like “hypergamy” in casual conversation because it a) muddies the rhetorical waters and b) makes you look like a complete doofus.

2. Solipsism.

I claim responsibility for this, seeing as I wrote “The Eternal Solipsism of the Female Mind,” the essay that inserted this concept into the manosphere’s lexicon. Thing is, when I wrote that four years ago, I wasn’t expecting every Aspie from here to Budapest to turn my ideas into an idiotic Big Lebowski-style call-and-response. “Women are solipsistic and think everything is all about THEM! sniffle

Let me clear up some things about that essay.

For starters, the title of that article was a rhetorical flourish. It was a reference to Eloisa and Abelard, a poem by Alexander Pope, mainly the line “eternal sunshine of the spotless mind” (also the title of a crappy Jim Carrey movie). Read the poem if you want to get the hidden double meaning, though if you morons ever read anything aside from Dalrock and Heartiste, you wouldn’t be crying on blog comment sections about how you can’t get laid.

Secondly, following from that point, women are not eternally doomed to be solipsistic. The point I was making was that while yes, women are more inclined to be solipsistic and yes, modern society has encouraged this deficiency to the point where it’s causing all kinds of problems, it is possible for girls to overcome their navel-gazing tendencies and understand men. More to the point, the kinds of men who screech about girls being “solipsistic” are the last ones who should be doing so. They’re the same jerkoffs who debate about the “best type” of body to attract girls (spoiler alert: don’t be fat or too skinny), agonize over how to pass shit tests, and waste their time with other dweeby bullshit.

A guy who hasn’t gotten stuck his dick in a girl since the Clinton administration has no right to criticize them for anything.

As the good book might put it, take the twelve-foot boner out of your eye before you criticize the lotsa cocka in an urban slut machine’s vagina. Patriarchy isn’t rule of the losers, it’s the rule of men, and merely having a shriveled olive between your legs doesn’t make you a man.

3. N-count.

This is the newest addition to the manospambot’s vocabulary, and by far the dumbest. “N-count” is the number of dicks a girl has hopped on. That’s what the “N” stands for: “number.”


Are you people such fucking dorks that you can’t just call a girl a slut? You have to turn everything into some kind of idiotic calculus problem?

Here’s a brain-twister for you spazzes: has a girl slept with more than three guys? If yes, she’s a slut. No stupid acronyms needed. Maybe if you spent less time debating the ideal girl’s “N-count” on other peoples’ blogs, you could actually get a girl to let you pee in her butt for once.

4. Delta, gamma, sigma (or any Greek letter designation outside of alpha/beta/omega).

This is the most retarded of them all. Heartiste/Roissy was responsible for popularizing the alpha/beta/omega terminology, but it’s pretty obvious (obvious if you have a triple-digit IQ and can talk to another human being without yellowing your briefs) that he meant it as a loose, informal description of masculine behavior and not as a formalized hierarchy that you’re supposed to integrate with your identity. “Hi, I’m Joe, and I’m a Sigma Male.”

I blame Vox Day for this. He’s a great fantasy writer and a brilliant polemicist, but his expanded Greek letter hierarchy is the dumbest shit that ever was. It was he wrote out the idiotic lengthy descriptions of “delta,” “beta,” “gamma” and a bunch of other overly specialized designations. And of course, befitting his egotism, he had to create a whole category just for himself, special little snowflake that he is.

Now we have every dateless dork running around like they’re in an all-night LARPing session: “My level 16 Delta smites your level 8 Gamma with the Cock of Infinite Squirting! Roll dice, bitches!”

There’s a reason why the alpha/beta/omega dichotomy became popular: because it was simple and elegant. Because it wasn’t meant to be a goddamn pissing contest for loveless basement dwellers. It’s very easy to remember:

  • Alpha male: inherently attractive to women.
  • Beta male: neither inherently attractive/repulsive to women.
  • Omega male: inherently repulsive to women.

That’s it. It’s a system to use when you want to analyze male behavior towards women in a way that is easy for outsiders to comprehend. It’s not something you’re supposed to crow about, a plaque to put up on your wall, or a vanity plate for your crappy 1996 Camry.

The best part of all this? The whole purpose of this corner of the Internet is to help you improve your lives. To help you get laid, get style, get a life, get cool. You have everything you need to become the man you want to be, and you choose to piss your life away jacking off over “Red Queen sexual arms races” and sniffling for approval on groupie blogs.

You’re all a goddamn disgrace.

Now do the world a favor and choke.

Read Next: Diary of a Manospambot