Matt Forney
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Other Tips for Picking Up Fat Girls

This is an excerpt from my now-discontinued book Big Lovin’: The Guide to Picking Up Fat Chicks, a satire of the fat acceptance movement and pickup artists.

While there is some degree of nuance involved in harpooning whales, the action plan I’ve taught you will get you laid 95 to 99 percent of the time. This chapter will clue you in on some of the more common scenarios you might encounter.

Dealing with Feminists

Many fat girls happen to be feminists because our fatshamey world drives them into becoming angry and resentful of men. While I’m down with women’s rights, banging feminists poses an extra challenge to the amateur chubby chaser because of their bitchy demeanors; their standoffish attitudes will scare away lesser men.

Fortunately, cracking fat feminists’ shields are as easy as scarfing down an extra-large Big Mac meal, so long as you know what to do. Feminists are still women, and they still yearn for a man to power through their defenses to find the insecure little fat girl within. The way to win a fat feminist’s heart is to place extra emphasis on how down you are with fat acceptance. Explicitly crack jokes about “anorexic bitches” and tell her how much you admire her curves. She’ll be jonesing to jump in your pants after that.

A warning: while getting feminists in bed is a cinch, they don’t make good long-term fuckbuddies or harem members. They usually demand that I “treat them like human beings” or some shit not long after the third bang, and I dump them after that. You can take the termagant out of the Women’s Studies class, but you can’t take the Women’s Studies class out of the termagant.

It’s Always the Quiet Ones

A number of fatties are shy and reluctant to talk due to bullying they experienced when they were a kid and still experience on a daily basis. While I love coaxing quiet girls out of their shells—it is possible—it’s impossible to get a relationship going if only one person is investing anything in it. I recommend you skip overly shy girls as getting them to return your advances is like pulling teeth. Without Novocain.

Beware Rugrats

Many fat girls are single moms, mainly because the tendency to prioritize short-term pleasure over long-term planning that results in girls becoming obese to begin with usually spills over into other aspects of their lives as well. The obvious advantage of a single mom is that you know she’s a cock addict, but these slores are even craftier than the average whale and are usually looking to trap a man into becoming a father to her little bastards.

To avoid this, take extra special precautions when you bang a fat single mom. Always use your own condoms (she may offer you ones that have little holes in them) and never implicitly trust her when she says that she’s on the pill or has an IUD. Additionally, flush your condoms after you’re done fucking to make sure she doesn’t inseminate herself with your golden seed. Also, be wary about keeping these girls on your rotation, because they tend to push for commitment a lot faster than fatties that don’t have brats in tow do.

“You’re Diamesha? I Thought You Were LaTisha”

One of the big advantages of being a fatty fetishist is that you can assemble a harem much more quickly and easily than those fat-hating losers can. Unfortunately, you quickly run into a huge problem: keeping your concubines’ names straight.

You may laugh now, but once you’ve got a dozen, two dozen blubberbutts on your rotation, all the names start to blend together: Latrina, Turkia, LaQuanda, Tamisha, Krystina etc. Calling a ho by the wrong name is the fastest way to get her to tackle you like a quarterback in the throes of ‘roid rage. Those fat bitches can put you in the hospital pretty easily, so you’ll want to use my methods to keep things straight.

For starters, when putting your fuckbuddies’ names into your phone, always use their last initial along with their first name. Secondly, if you do forget a ho’s name, ask her how to spell it. That way, you’ll not only save your ass, you’ll look thoughtful and attentive as well.

Eating Lunch Down at the Y

Going down on a fat girl is a tricky business due to both bacterial growth and the smell. There’s no way around it: most fat girls’ pussies smell like the halibut apocalypse. It’s not something that amateurs can handle, which is why I recommend you not eat a girl out until you’ve been going steady with her for a while.

To make cunnilingus not only bearable but also enjoyable for you, get some mayonnaise from your fridge, smear it all over her vulva and then lick it off. It’ll not only get her off, it’ll be a nice treat for you. If you’re on a diet and/or just plain don’t like mayo, you can substitute it with peanut butter, Vegemite, honey or whatever substance you prefer. Just make sure your ho doesn’t scarf the whole bottle while you’re doing figure eights on her clit with your tongue.

There Are No Virgins in Buffet Lines

Some of these slores like to claim that they’ve never had sex. Bitch, please! Not only do scientific studies show that fat girls have more sexual partners on average than skinny ones, the few virgins you do encounter will likely be “everything-but virgins,” in that they do everything but vaginal intercourse; blowjobs, buttfucking, dry-humping, the whole kit and kaboodle.

On the off-chance that you meet a fat virgin, don’t soften up on your game. Instead, plow through and treat her like you would any other girl. Going nicey-nice with an obese virgin will land you in the friendzone like every other guy she’s known. You need to be aggressive if you want to pop that cherry.

A word of warning: if you’re expecting a nice and tight love cave to plunge your holy scepter into, you can just forget about it. While skinny virgins are always reliably tight, all those late-night snacks and Wendy’s combo meals have stretched a big girl’s vagina to the size of a cornfield regardless of whether she’s had sex. You might luck out and get a girl who is a little tighter, but don’t count on it.

P.S. If you’re ready to start meeting BBWs now, click here.

Read Next: Why Fat Girls Don’t Deserve to Be Loved

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  • Shmalkandik

    I’m sure not to be the first to observe that landwhales can improve cardio-vascular strength through the heavy lifting required. Any man than can bed press one tenth of a ton is become a strong chap indeed.