Matt Forney
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A Week of Praise: Be Like Zooey Deschanel

I never really understood the cult surrounding Zooey Deschanel, but that might be due to the fact that I’m willfully disconnected from the sewer of pop culture. The only movie I’ve seen of hers is Bridge to Terabithia, which I only watched because a girlfriend of mine recommended it to me (it’s an awful movie, but that’s beside the point). Deschanel’s acting, to be frank, isn’t very good; she has the dramatic range of a plank of wood, and I find her unusually deep voice disconcerting when contrasted with her self-conscious look-at-how-girly-I-am persona.

Well, after a little research, I’ve decided to dive on the grenade.

Here are my reasons why Zooey Deschanel is a role model for all American girls.

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1. She actually has talent.

Putting aside her lackluster acting ability, the music Deschanel records as part of She & Him is astoundingly good. I was initially dreading listening to it because the “Him” in She & Him is M. Ward, one of the most obnoxious pussyboys in the wasteland of masculinity that is indie rock. Fortunately, Ward intelligently decided to keep his mouth shut and let Deschanel do all the singing on She & Him’s songs, which makes them not only listenable but fun. Deschanel has an incredible singing voice, shooting up and down the note spectrum with nary a mistake, and her lyrics evoke wistful landscapes of broken hearts and puppy love.

Not only that, her musical talents extend past singing, as she also plays piano and ukulele.

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2. She’s a vocal advocate for restoring femininity in American girls.

There are dozens of quotes from Zooey Deschanel defending girls’ right to be as quirky and sensitive as they want, to not be browbeaten into acting like men with vaginas. Some choice cuts:

I’m into sincerity in music and sincerity in art. If it doesn’t feel true, I don’t want to do it. Things that are too dramatic scare me. I think that’s why I don’t always fit into the world of performing arts.

Always the aim for me is making people feel like they are not alone. That’s just the greatest feeling.

You can’t expect to make no effort. You still have to make the effort and be kind and understanding.

If I’m going to be ‘too’ anything, ‘too cute’ is fine. I love puppies. So what? Who hates puppies?

I don’t know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, ‘I need to act like a man, or I need to tone it down to be successful.’ That’s a very good way to keep women down.

True love that lasts forever… yes, I do believe in it. My parents have been married for 40 years and my grandparents were married for 70 years. I come from a long line of true loves.

Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it’s a song, a stranger, a mountain, a rain drop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all – look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.

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So what if Deschanel identifies as a feminist? So does Camille Paglia, and she’s done nothing but take a sledgehammer to feminism her entire life. Conversely, Deschanel’s circular logic for why she considers herself a feminist—defending girls’ right to behave in the exact same way they did before feminism—doesn’t change the fact that her life’s work is destroying the Gawkerite feminist destruction of masculinity and femininity.

If most feminists were like Zooey Deschanel, I’d become a feminist yesterday.

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3. She lives what she preaches.

Unlike some musicians who sing songs about chastity and faithfulness while hopping atop every hot guy who winks at them (cough cough Taylor Swift cough cough), Zooey Deschanel walks the walk. She dresses modestly, behaves with class and has made it to 30 without either having a sex tape leak or breaking down and twerking her nonexistent ass in public.

That’s an achievement all on its own.

About the only objectionable thing Deschanel’s done in her life is get divorced, but considering that she was married to Ben Gibbard, the nutless frontman of Death Cab for Cutie, I can forgive her. Seriously, Gibbard is such a pussy that merely hearing his nerdy, nasally voice has been scientifically proven to lower testosterone levels by 74 percent.

So ladies, if you’re curious about what men want or how to behave in a certain situation, just ask yourself this simple question:

What Would Zooey Do?

Be quirky. Be girly. But most of all, be affectionate. Men want wives and lovers, not co-workers.

Read Next: A Week of Praise: Womanly Submission and Love