Matt Forney
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You Will Never Get Laid if You Don’t Eat Gluten

This is a guest post by the Captain Power.

I started working out in high school around 1995. Initially I got involved with weight lifting to prevent myself from getting stabbed by the Latin Kings, but of course I also wanted to get laid. Since I first started working out almost 19 years years ago, I have seen all different types of fad diets come and go. In the 1980’s, I remember my parents going on the “grapefruit diet” to lose weight. In College we had the creatine and andro fads, and most recently we have the “low-carb” and “gluten-free” diets.

So what is gluten? I have no fucking idea. I recently did a Wikipedia search to get a better understanding of what all the sheep were talking about, and gluten is basically a protein composite found in many foods processed from wheat. Personally, I have never found eating wheat in moderation to be a problem. It contains a decent amount of protein, and according to some doctors, only one percent of the population are allergic to it.

If you think that avoiding that bowl of oatmeal in the morning is going to change you into Mr. Olympia, then by all means go ahead. But the Captain Power is sticking with his gluten. I don’t think you will ever get laid without it.

The first problem is that gluten is the main ingredient in beer.

I love beer, chicks get horny when they drink beer, and Arnold Schwarzenegger drank beer. Beer is God’s gift to man. On my recent trip to Ireland, my friends drank at least ten pints of Guinness a day as well as numerous shots of Jameson whiskey, and almost every guy on the trip ended up getting laid. I have no doubt in my mind that drinking all of that beer contributed to us scoring. Of course, you can try to order a gluten-free beer, but it tastes like shit, and you will look like a complete beta-queer ordering it.

But most importantly, carbs are a great source of energy. You are going to need stamina to stay up all night and listen to some random girl’s bullshit, and then you are going to need that gluten power to stay awake and keep your penis erect.

Don’t kid yourself: there is big money in the gluten fad. Every American doctor who screens for gluten intolerance is going to charge your insurer for an office visit, a colonoscopy (video camera up your ass), endoscopy (camera down your throat), and anesthesia. When your test results come back, instead of checking you for the main cause of gastric irritation—anxiety—the doctor is going to tell you to avoid gluten, pasta, spices, coffee, citrus, and alcohol. Then he is going to schedule you for another test in six months, ram another camera up your ass, and tell you that your situation “looks better.”

So take my advice and avoid the big hype about gluten. What are the bad side effects? Gas and pimples? At 34 years old, I wish I would start growing some pimples again. And most importantly, just because you are allergic to something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it, especially when the benefits outweigh the adverse effects.

Gluten will keep your penis erect, provide your body with energy, and help you get laid.

The Captain Power blogs at Captain Power’s Underground Training Site. Also check out his book The Official Vegas Pool Party Workout.

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